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#54005 - 04/17/04 08:29 PM Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
Hi, My name is Ken and I am very embarassed to be posting this.


I am a 33 year old male. I have a 4th degree blackbelt in Kungfu and a 2nd in
Win Chun. I'm ex-military and was in the Candian Airborne Regiment.
As you can see I have spent a large portion of my life being a "manly man".
Maybe trying to prove I am a man. Maybe trying to just work out the anger and
betrayal of what was done to me by someone who I trusted fully. A teacher I really looked up to in grade 6. He was my "friend", a scout leader, and very active in other soclai groups with childen.

He befriended me shortly after my mother and father had a horrible seperation, and my father seemed very disinterested in me. This teacher showed interest. Became my friend, then began
molesting me. I am embarassed to admit it but I think I allowed it to go on, with the innocent wisdom of a child... I will put up with this "bad stuff" because he is my friend and pays attention to me.

Please bear with me because this is the first I have really put focus to my
thoughts, never mind write them down.

What was he thinking??

Anyhow. I am a 33 year old male whole feels like is is 12 some times. Who is angry a lot of the time. Who has dreams about this man and how he hurt me. A part of me wants to put my lifetimes training to good use and inflict on this
man even a fraction of what he inflicts on me every day.

You see. I'm affraid I'm not coping very well right now and could really use
some support.

Truly embarassed,

Ken

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

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#54006 - 04/17/04 08:46 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
You know... after years of hiding this from EVERYONE, it kinda leaves me feeling very vulnerable seeing my own words in front of me.

Shit \:\(

I guess you all know what I'm feeling. Why didn't I stop it? Did I like it? Was I affraid of him? Didn't he think I would ever grow up??

I'm not sure what set me off today. Why I'm pacing around my condo like a caged animal. Hell, even my dog seems to sense my mood.

I'm feeling very desperate right now, but even worse, alone. I have done it to myself by excluding everyone from this.. By fearing peoples reactions to my weakness...

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54007 - 04/17/04 08:48 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
ken,
you have come to the one place in cyberspac where you will be understood and not condemned in any way, shape or form. i am currently struggling with soem fantasy issues about things i will not go into here, but it involves the debate of how much i was involved in the abuse that i suffered directly from age three through twelve. the one thing we have to keep telling ourselves is that we were not at fault. i know this myself intellectually, but struggle with the integration of that truth. no matter the point at which one is on in the journey of recovery, the objective truth is that we were completely innocent. this is the bedrock truth that all of us come to understand and accept in time for ourselves. you were innocent, ken. this teacher was a predator who abused you in a very conscious manner. your response to his attention did not mean you wanted this to happen, or encouraged it. that is the objective truth. i clarify that because as i said, i am struggling with this very issue myself right now and cannot accept it as subjectively true for myself. we were innocent, ken. pm me if you need to.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#54008 - 04/17/04 08:58 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
firstly, thank you for your reply.

It is funny how you put it.

I also know intellectually that it wan't my "fault", but I can't get my heart behind the idea.

On days like today things are bad.

I have MANY friends. I am the president of a motorcycle club with over 800 members.

I need so desperatly to express of even just get a hug, but my biggest fear in the world is being discovered.

My girlfriend knows something "happened", but I won't talk to her about it. She is out of town tonight, but I guess that is for the best.

I hate myself for my weaksness.
I fear sleep for what it wil bring.

I'm sorry. I'm rambling here, but I feel if I don't type I will explode.

You ever go to bed and think "if I don't wake up tomorrow, it wouldn't be so bad"?

What a horrible way to live \:\(

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54009 - 04/17/04 08:58 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
You should not be embarrassed to be here, he is the child molestor you are the victim. I know thats hard to really believe but its true, I know I had (and sometimes still have) problems with that myself.

I wish I could give you more advice but I am relatively new here myself, but I do know that you've come to the right place. There are alot of people who are ready to help where they can.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#54010 - 04/17/04 09:08 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Ken, posting here is a good place to start. We all welcome you. I myself am dealing with anger issues concerning what happened to me. I think that you should call your local rape crisis hotline. You can do it anonymously. You can talk with someone who knows about abuse. You can be yourself. You will find it absolutely amazing how much relief you will get just from talking to someone there for a little time. I called them. It gave me more relief and strength than you could immagine. You need to talk to someone to get some of that anger out. I know what I'm talking about, I am facing criminal charges because I focused my anger on the person who assaulted me. They aren't worth it. Don't let that bastard take more away from you than he already has. If you go to prison, what kind of SA do you think could happen there? Please talk to someone.

Other than that, Welcome.
\:\)

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#54011 - 04/17/04 09:09 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
ken,
i know the desperation of what you refer to, my friend. i recall a dream i had so many years ago where i woke up completely convinced that i had done a horrible crime against an innocent. i woke up crying thinking that no one can find this out, but knowing that i would have to turn myself in and so fearful how it would impact my wife at the time (now divorced and happily within the embrace of my true soulmate now). i laid awake for nearly an hour trying to calm down. in the end i was finally able to accept that it was just a nightmare. years later, i started recalling the abuse i suffered at the hands of my maternal perrp and herr husband when i was three years old. all my life i carried this sense of personal filth around me that i could not identify, i only knew that if anyone else knew the real me, they would run screaming. this isolation you have maintained was a survival method of keeping yourself safe, ken. now, you are in a position where the healing can begin. this is what hte initial desperation is about. the old ways are not working anymore, and wont from here on out. we are here for you, bro, i am here. pm me.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#54012 - 04/17/04 09:11 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
You know.. I never thoight of that.

Man I think I would feel stupid calling. It happened so long ago. There are people out there who really need that help, and I would just be tying up a line.

I guess I never put that word "rape" to what happened to me....

Quote:
Originally posted by MikeNY:
Ken, posting here is a good place to start. We all welcome you. I myself am dealing with anger issues concerning what happened to me. I think that you should call your local rape crisis hotline. You can do it anonymously. You can talk with someone who knows about abuse. You can be yourself. You will find it absolutely amazing how much relief you will get just from talking to someone there for a little time. I called them. It gave me more relief and strength than you could immagine. You need to talk to someone to get some of that anger out. I know what I'm talking about, I am facing criminal charges because I focused my anger on the person who assaulted me. They aren't worth it. Don't let that bastard take more away from you than he already has. If you go to prison, what kind of SA do you think could happen there? Please talk to someone.

Other than that, Welcome.
\:\)


_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

Top
#54013 - 04/17/04 09:15 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Ken,

You're going to read things like this from several guys, I'm sure, but let me be one of the first to tell you that no one wants to need a place like this, but we're glad that you found us.
Quote:
Hi, My name is Ken and I am very embarassed to be posting this.
That embarssment, or shame, if I may, is not your own. It belongs to the criminal who committed the crime, not to the boy who survived it or the man you've become.
Quote:
I am a 33 year old male. I have a 4th degree blackbelt in Kungfu and a 2nd in
Win Chun. I'm ex-military and was in the Candian Airborne Regiment.
As you can see I have spent a large portion of my life being a "manly man".
Maybe trying to prove I am a man. Maybe trying to just work out the anger and
betrayal of what was done to me by someone who I trusted fully.
I must say, you did a damn good job of that. These accomplishments did not come without a lot of hard work and talent. Maybe part of your motivation was some "compensation" thing, but that does not make what you did any less impressive. There are many other ways to react. My reactions did not lead to any proud accomplishments, for instance. Hiding from relationships with drugs, spending some time living in my car, the sort of thing I don't look forward to sharing with my kids.
Quote:
A teacher I really looked up to in grade 6. He was my "friend", a scout leader, and very active in other soclai groups with childen.
Not so much a teacher or leader as a criminal, an abuser, a perp. I try to separate what they do from their public persona. I think that makes it easier for me to believe in good people who fill roles like that admirably.

Quote:
He befriended me shortly after my mother and father had a horrible seperation, and my father seemed very disinterested in me. This teacher showed interest. Became my friend, then began
molesting me. I am embarassed to admit it but I think I allowed it to go on, with the innocent wisdom of a child... I will put up with this "bad stuff" because he is my friend and pays attention to me.
You "allowed" it to go on because you were a child. He manipulated you. He abused you. You did not "allow" it in any real sense of giving consent or permission. Like you said, it was "the innocent wisdom of a child."
Quote:
Please bear with me because this is the first I have really put focus to my
thoughts, never mind write them down.
It's good that you can get them written and get them out. Keeping that kind of stuff inside will eat you alive.

The people here do a good job of bearing with one another. Each of the men and many of the partners that post here know how it felt to live through such abuse and to try to "hide" it.
Quote:
What was he thinking??
My guess is something like "I'll get what I want. I'll get what I want. I'll get what I want!"
But nary a thought of you.
Quote:
Anyhow. I am a 33 year old male whole feels like is is 12 some times. Who is angry a lot of the time. Who has dreams about this man and how he hurt me. A part of me wants to put my lifetimes training to good use and inflict on this
man even a fraction of what he inflicts on me every day.
I personally doubt that would solve anything for you in the long run. I admit it would probably feel great for at least part of the actual exercise, but it wouldn't really deal with the kinds of feelings this perp instilled in you. For myself I am finding therapy to be very helpful. I've not been in the military, or ever seriously studied martial arts or Eastern philosophies, but one of the bravest things I ever did was going to therapy and talking there. In some sense, by going to therapy I was actually face to face with the kind of fear the assaults brought, but this time I didn't flinch.
Quote:
You see. I'm affraid I'm not coping very well right now and could really use
some support.
You are definitely in the right place to find support. I have made some dear friendships here and I know I can come here for support when I need it. This really is a wonderful community. Though most of us never meet face to face, these are real friends.

Ken, despite what that perp did to you, you went on to the Airborne, the two black belts, and even to finding the courage to write about his crime here. You deserve to feel good about yourself and proud of your accomplishments. I hope that you will feel those things as you get through this time. I don't know if we can ever be "cured" but I do believe that one day I will have put the effects of the abuse behind me and will live a better life than what I had not long ago. I wish the same good fortune for you.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#54014 - 04/17/04 09:16 PM Re: Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Ken, you are one of those people out there that need that help. They will be more than happy to give it to you. They are wonderful caring people.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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