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#5388 - 04/13/03 08:31 PM Feeling better
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
I posted this on the family and friends side of the board......I'm not sure if any of you read both the male survivor stuff AND the family stuff. I am also going through a family crisis so I read both.
I have realized something very interesting this week. Since I have been away from Lori, I feel BETTER?!......strong, liberated, peaceful, and empowered.
It was difficult to understand why I am feeling better when I am away from everything I Love. I thought last week that I could not survive without my home and family. I always viewed my home as my "safe zone", my children mean the world to me, and I have been in love with Lori since I was 17 years old (22 years), and to top it all off, I thought I had nobody else in the world to love and support me.
Well, as it turns out, my kids love me for me, not for the person who plays and cooks for them.
My "safe zone" turns out to be within ME.
I still love Lori, but I think we are just too different to be together. I like to treat her like a queen (and my kids like a prince and princess), and Lori does not like to be loved that way. She is far too independent and self centered to be comfortable being treated like a queen.
Also, just as my therapist said, I was using Lori as a crutch. When she was around I would desperately seek her attention. My therapist thinks that’s because I on some level want someone to take care of me....emotionally....perhaps because my parents never did (emotionally).
And as I have said in previous posts, there are LOTS of loving supportive people around me. I guess my isolation was self imposed!
I sought therapy to figure out my SA issues on 2-21-03, (7 weeks ago); I was going not because I suddenly determined I needed help after burring it all for 28 years.....I was going in hopes of saving my marriage. Well my marriage can not be saved, but I am SO glad I committed myself to this process because I have learned and grown SO much.
I hope my plight will give some of you hope. My path to realizing all of this "stuff" has been a rough one. 7 weeks of hell was well worth it because I learned these two (and so many more!)very important things:
1. I can be happy.......NO MATTER WHAT!
2. My life is beautiful because I accept it as it is.


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#5389 - 04/14/03 05:14 AM Re: Feeling better
jimrh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
Taipan,

thanks for this post, I have to say that I am temendously shocked by your story. So shocked in fact that when I read it (actually anticipating the end of the story like I do so often so as not to be surprised I guess), I thought this was another post of someone in a marriage who suddenly found themselves and now it's all better and the marriage is great!

I don't know if you read my discussion, New and Feeling Discouraged, but your quote:

"I thought last week that I could not survive without my home and family. I always viewed my home as my "safe zone", my children mean the world to me"

spoke volumes to me. Volumes in the sense that you've managed to somehow see that you have more than one option in life.

Buddy I don't know how you did it because I see myself in a battle of epic proportions with no way out. I too have been going to therapy in hopes of saving my marriage, seems like you've managed to be far more effective in such a short period of time . I've been going for the last two years for my personal issues (only to find myself spiraling down further into the abyss) and marriage therapy for the last few weeks (which is not turning very positive right now).

I sincerely hope that in 7 months from now you can feel the same or better about your life, yourself, your options.


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#5390 - 04/14/03 06:53 AM Re: Feeling better
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
It is funny how just one little bit of insight can change your whole world.

For me what you said was the key… “My life is beautiful because I accept it as it is.”

I walked around for years judging myself against this picture of normality that I had in my mind. It was when I realized that the rest of the world wasn’t judging me sick or perverted, it was only me that I finally found acceptance. With acceptance came peace.

Too many times we see things a certain way because we believe it is normal to see them that way. Kind of like the family being the ‘safe place’. We want to believe that, because society and our take on it tells us that is how it should be, but when you just don’t feel it, you don’t. Acceptance allowed me to face the truth at last, a whole lot of bitter truths, and acceptance allowed me to walk on without judging myself for those things.

It was hard for me to accept that I am bi-sexual, but there was peace in it as well. I could at last get on with life without all the pain of struggling against it. I can be at peace with my wife, because I have chosen to be with her in marriage, and no longer carry guilt over finding certain men attractive. I feel what I feel, and think what I think, and have peace with that. It means a whole lot to be able to face life, and accept whatever hand you are dealt.

Congrats, I am glad you are moving along so quickly…

Take care,
jeff

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#5391 - 04/14/03 07:11 AM Re: Feeling better
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Jimrh, thanks or your kind words, I wish I knew what to say to offer you some help. I guess our posts do a little of that for each other. While I was without my computer for 5 days I missed checking in here very very much.
After everything I was feeling the previous week, I woke up just now this morning missing Lori! We had a great conversation last night about the kids ect....I now have to remind myself that it is OK to miss her, and still feel everything I had previously said. It's a roller coaster, that’s for sure.
So I think the strength I have found within myself will come and go.....and maybe the key is to be able to recognize that bring myself back when I start to go the wrong direction (which you just helped me do by you post).
Keep the faith, I wish you the very best, I will be thinking of you, Sincerely, Ed


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#5392 - 04/14/03 07:22 AM Re: Feeling better
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Zodak that was very well said. I hope Jimrh will read what you have written.
You have just given me some insight into WHY I was so afraid to lose my "safe zone” and about WHY I viewed myself the way I did for so many years.
Thanks much my friend, Ed


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#5393 - 04/14/03 07:23 PM Re: Feeling better
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195

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#5394 - 04/14/03 07:26 PM Re: Feeling better
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Quote:
Les, I don't know if this is a very good thing to post right now... I think it will make the involved parties just feel worse about themselves.

No one should have to stay with someone who is unkind or abusive to them... didn't we learn anything from out childhood?

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#5395 - 04/15/03 01:34 AM Re: Feeling better
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
Sorry I have to post that, I'd post it again. I couldn't have listened to my wife talk and cry for years about how her life was shattered by her parents divorce and not post that. I'm sure Taipan would want me to post that if he didn't already know. Better to feel bad now than to shatter someone's life and feel even worse about it later because you didn't know what you were about to do could make someone feel as bad or worse than any of us who post on this site.

I'm only trying to help, sometimes it helps to have all the information when weighing a decision.

Peace
MO Healing


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#5396 - 04/15/03 07:36 AM Re: Feeling better
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
So I guess you would rather that he stay and be unhappy and be abused?

Yes, it sure is great to have your kids grow up thinking it is ok to be abused!!

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#5397 - 04/15/03 08:03 AM Re: Feeling better
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
No, I will not visit that site. If I could change the world, I would have my wife love me again and then my kids would not have to go through a divorce.
I was lamenting to my therapist that my kids will now come from divorced home and that will negatively impact their future and I said to her "you know the statistics of how kids are affected by divorce". Her reply was that the statistics of kid who grow up in shitty marriages are equally as bad.
Now again, I love my wife and I would not choose any of this......but I can not control her ....and I truly believe that EVERYONE deserves to be happy in life, and she was not happy in our marriage.
So now we as parents have to make the best out of a bad.


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