I just finished going through a major crisis after being triggered heavily by seeing the movie "Swordfish." I didn't make it past the scene where he had a gun to his head and was trying to break into the DoD computer.
I went home only to find my partner wathing a porno (another trigger) and got violent (put holes in the wall and through things) and thought I was going to lose my mind.
I went through periods where I just had to sit catatonically in a corner and not talk or look at anyone or anything. I wasn't any good to anyone at work--during the busiest season, no less.
My partner has been very good and telling me that, "it's not about the masturbation," etc. or all of the other issues/triggers that would come up. But seriously, I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. Closing off and shutting down were ways I coped as a kid. So was getting anonymous sex and masturbating.
I was neglected and physically abused by my parents. Don't remember when the sexual abuse came in, but I remember all of a sudden not being able to control my bowel movements and constantly shi**ing my pants in elementary school. That only started deep rooted scars of being embarrassed, etc. I would try to hide my messy pants or flush them down the toilet. We all know how cruel kids can be. I became a recluse and felt like a total outcast. And, being gay was no help.
Through my relationship (really my first intimate one), I have struggeled to loose the feeling that nothing else around my mattered except for me. It's always about me--my pain, my moods, my sexual desire, etc. Also, my partner couldn't look at anyone else or fantasize about anyone else or I would loose it. How unfortunate a struggle.
But this last crisis was a real turning point. When my therapist told me a couple of weeks ago about a narcicistic wound, that masturbation and sexual fantasies (especially strong male sleazy dirty pornographic raw powerful ones like S&M or bondage or something really dark and dismal) are really triggers--that it's not really about my partner masturbating that sets me off--it's the old feelings coming back. It's the wound.
I spent the last couple of weeks getting in touch with feelings that I didn't know I had. Feelings have just been leaking out--bad feelings. I didn't realize them because I have been masking them with my sexuality and picking fights with my partner.
I feel like this insight has really given me a chance to find some well sought after peace. I am starting to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I will be 35 years old soon. I think it will be a very happy birthday.
I'm new on this board. Many thanks to everyone just for being here and posting their feelings and ideas. It is such a relief to know that I'm not alone--even though I logically know there *must* be more out there like me.
I wish everyone peace and happiness, including myself. And thank you especially to my partner, Doug. I love you, dear sir.