Congratulations, you got it written down.
I am sorry that you suffered such betrayal by you grandfather. I suspect that hurts just realizing it was he who took advantage of a situation.
Jason, I think any young man would feel that if Grandpa is doing this, it must be ok. And I think any adolescent male would enjoy the oral sex, the physical touch, the things he said to you and how special you felt at the time. Even if a part of you told yourself that this isn't right.
Jason, the man who harmed me was an asst scoutmaster and I think he was in his mid 20's when it started. He was very brutal in the rapes. BUT, he was absolutely the best big brother a kid could have the rest of the time. Today, I think that had he not made sex so dehumanizing and so painful, if he had just been a little kind to me, I would have gladly become "his boy". I know that I liked giving him oral sex. I think I would have done that, often and for a long time, just to feel his body and see him get excited, and, I really believed that "letting me" suck him was a privilege. I know that sounds really whacko. But I believe that it is the truth as I see it today.
As adults, it is pretty hard to remember how we felt as a kid, a teen, what we thought, what motivated us. At least that is true for me.
Go easy on yourself Jason. Don't tell yourself lies nor believe the lies others told you. In the end, the person who has to convince us that we are a really good person, is ourselves. Others, in kindness, can say all kinds of wonderful things to us. But sooner or later, we need to tell ourselves that we are a person of worth, a complete man,
and people are terrifically blessed to be a part of our lives and we of theirs.
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.