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#53778 - 07/11/03 09:07 PM WARNING Possible Trigger " on the edge of sanity"
confused_n_alone Offline
Member

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 31
Loc: Ottawa Ontario Canada
Ok not sure how I got going but this started out as a PM and well !!!!!!!!!!!!!

After I first disclosed some 12 years ago and had every door I turned to slam shut I tried to ignore and hide my feelings about this.

The confusion for me for the most part is the worse since my abuse wasn't violent or intrusive. But quite the opposite he made me feel special when I thought no one did and loved as no one else could. (My self as a child felt very alone and unwanted) though I have been told on many occasions by cretin parts of my family that they were there for me I don't have memories of that. My memory of my childhood is very fragmented and distorted. The abuse went on for a long time 5 or 6 to about 17 - 18 even after I had been with a woman I still when back.

What was it that drew me back to him? and why did all of a sudden I say enough was enough. I had many opportunities to say something before. I was asked by both my aunt and mother mind you the abuse had been happening for sometime before about 5 years or more by the time my sister was old enough to talk and watch programs about SA and how to be street smart (of course it was all about little girls getting abused) I still never said a word.

And then to go on a tear of telling my whole family my dirty little secret. Was it the fact that I was 18 and full of piss and vinagure or was it I wanted them to hurt like he hurt me I (I told my grandmother about it even after my mother and aunt had confronted her about them and she excepted it) But I was a little boy that must not of been true my mother and aunt put me up to it she said!!! I was lying

Then I asked for help by so-called professionals some were utterly ignorint and others only dealt with women SA survivors and some just told me get over it while others said Ohhhhhhhhh ya I can help ya but it will be $150. An hour and most sessions are 2 hours long. There was no funding or recognition that this ever happened in our society. One of the last big dirty secretsÖ that and who killed JFK. (Ok I couldnít resist had to but a little sanity break there)

Now I am here broken and tattered my life on the precipice searching for answers that I canít find that silver lining in life that light at the end of the tunnel seem to evade me like I am not worth the comfort of the light where I do not feel as though I am the dirty one the one with the secret people all around me can see like a tattoo on my forehead or a stench of disgust emanating from me.

That I canít wash off

See most of my abuse by my grandfather happened in the bathroom sometimes either just after I had showered or bathed even when I got out of the pool he would come in the bathroom or bedroom to get dressed. Knowing that I would be clean he would dry me off starting with my chest and then move down he would perform oral sex on me and I would of course react to it by gaining an erection and enjoyed it.

Even later on as I got older I think I even invited it, knowing my grandmother was out I would take a shower and leave the door unlocked almost in a way hoping for it looking to him for a release to get off and some where in the back of my mind I new it was wrong these feeling I was having were bad even when it went to the next level and other things happened that I am trying to wrap my head around (the whole sexual identity thing) that at this point I canít easily talk about. Though this hasnít been easy either.

There have been times when I wished even hoped it had been violent that I could remember a time when I felt intimidated so to not constantly think I enjoyed what he did to me tell myself I didnít have a choice but he always asked he was always gentle almost though he made me feel like I consented and this was a part of a loving relationship he and I had.

Now my life with my wife is confusing,
I always seem to shower before me and her make love and some times I feel guilty after wards remembering what I did with him and that I felt that it was concentual and some times in the back of my mind I wonder if in time I will be told that this be wrong too..

Well I have rambled on long enough and I am just about spent

Confused N Alone

Jason

_________________________
A Jouney starts with one step
A Trip starts With Friends

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#53779 - 07/11/03 11:58 PM Re: WARNING Possible Trigger " on the edge of sanity"
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Jason,

Congratulations, you got it written down.

I am sorry that you suffered such betrayal by you grandfather. I suspect that hurts just realizing it was he who took advantage of a situation.

Jason, I think any young man would feel that if Grandpa is doing this, it must be ok. And I think any adolescent male would enjoy the oral sex, the physical touch, the things he said to you and how special you felt at the time. Even if a part of you told yourself that this isn't right.

Jason, the man who harmed me was an asst scoutmaster and I think he was in his mid 20's when it started. He was very brutal in the rapes. BUT, he was absolutely the best big brother a kid could have the rest of the time. Today, I think that had he not made sex so dehumanizing and so painful, if he had just been a little kind to me, I would have gladly become "his boy". I know that I liked giving him oral sex. I think I would have done that, often and for a long time, just to feel his body and see him get excited, and, I really believed that "letting me" suck him was a privilege. I know that sounds really whacko. But I believe that it is the truth as I see it today.

As adults, it is pretty hard to remember how we felt as a kid, a teen, what we thought, what motivated us. At least that is true for me.

Go easy on yourself Jason. Don't tell yourself lies nor believe the lies others told you. In the end, the person who has to convince us that we are a really good person, is ourselves. Others, in kindness, can say all kinds of wonderful things to us. But sooner or later, we need to tell ourselves that we are a person of worth, a complete man,
and people are terrifically blessed to be a part of our lives and we of theirs.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#53780 - 07/12/03 11:10 AM Re: WARNING Possible Trigger " on the edge of sanity"
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5381
Loc: Washington State
Jason,

You where a child you where and are not to blame. Some of my own abuse I enjoyed, and I mean I really enjoyed it. I have though that maybe I asked for it but I did not. Our bodys will react to touch and that is what happen to you. My abusier knew that my body was changing and they used that against me. Abusiers know that our bodys where changing and that we knew very little on the topic of sex. This is their tricks that they can use on us.

lots of love, Nathan


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#53781 - 07/12/03 08:04 PM Re: WARNING Possible Trigger " on the edge of sanity"
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jason
Quote:
There have been times when I wished even hoped it had been violent that I could remember a time when I felt intimidated so to not constantly think I enjoyed what he did to me tell myself I didnít have a choice but he always asked he was always gentle almost though he made me feel like I consented and this was a part of a loving relationship he and I had.
It might not have been physical violence, but it was certainy pshychological violence.

Sexual Abuse has two words, "sexual" which is a great word, giving rise to thoughts of wonderful pleasures, sharing a physical gift with someone we like or love.

"Abuse" is another great word, it means exactly what it says; "Ill treatment. Ans instance of injustice or corruption. To use badly or wrongly. To ill treat. To call somebody foul names."

That's the definition in my dictionary, and I can't argue with that.

I know exactly what you mean, I did the same and so did a whole lot of us, we did what they wanted because they told us that "we wanted it"
They dressed it up by being 'kind' and 'saying the right things'

They lied Jason, they lied.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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