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#5353 - 08/14/04 10:47 PM Re: mother/emotional incester returns
Howster Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/16/04
Posts: 28
Bec,

I guess she used you to inapropriately fill a void or a need in herself when you were young. She may not have been aware of it. Hopefully, you can make her aware of it. If you do, who knows, there might be some healing in there for her, too...

Howard


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#5354 - 08/16/04 08:30 PM Re: mother/emotional incester returns
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello men:

thanks for your replies. i take them all into consideration. well, i spoke with my mother via telephone and told her:

-i want PEACE. no fighting/trouble/arguments.
-i dont feel safe near you/talking to you.
-i feel it is best if we do not spend time together.
-i wish you well.

she had little of a reply.

i then told my grandfather, whom i love and trust, what i said to my mother. he was not happy. he wants her and i to get along, to spend time together like loving, healthy mothers and sons do.

to please him i called my mother again and said that soon i will call her so we can spend some time together. i know this will please my grandfather. and, he is the one i care about most. so, i want to see her soon and get it over with, perhaps tomorow if i feel like i can handle it.

i do not want to fight or disagree men. i believe she lives in denial. she is not willing to face the harm she has done to me through the abuse/emotional incest.

she is cowardly and i am not holding out hope of her changing. i surender it and her to my God. may his will be done. and, may he give me the strength to be around her without confronting or fighting with her.

i want to go men. the weather here is wonderful and i want to enjoy it. let's all take good care of ourselves and be the best men we can be. sincerely,


bec


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#5355 - 08/17/04 03:10 PM Re: mother/emotional incester returns
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello men:

i called my mother this morning to try to get together with her but she said she had other plans. she was going to take my neice and nephew to the store/mall.

i fear she will do to my 15 year old nephew what she did to me, namely, emotionaly incest him. i am very grateful she lives 1000 miles away from him. comments have been made that lead me to believe she has been 'working on' him.

i do not trust her. i do not wish to be paranoid but, i know how deeply she hurt me and i do NOT want another child to be wounded as i was and am.

i pray my nephew will not be hurt. and, that i will be able to please my grandfather by spending some amount of time with her. until next time men. sincerely,


bec


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#5356 - 08/17/04 10:44 PM Re: mother/emotional incester returns
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Bec:
If your relationship with your nephew would allow a letter from you from time to time (or email or phone calls), you may be able to undermine your mother's possible attempts to abuse him.

You don't need to bad-mouth her because he may have a decent relationship with her. But if you show interest in what he is doing, what he is into, you could give him subtle messages about boundaries, being his own person, assertiveness, etc. That may prevent any shennanigans she might be trying on him. At 15, he may well be able to protect himself and be less vulnerable than you were.

Ken


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#5357 - 08/18/04 03:38 AM Re: mother/emotional incester returns
Howster Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/16/04
Posts: 28



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#5358 - 08/18/04 04:56 PM Re: mother/emotional incester returns
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
dear Ken and Howster:

thanks for your replies. and for the advice Ken. i will speak to my nephew today. i pray my God will give me the words. i am concerned because i was told more than once that he said he would like to live with my mother rather than his parents. hopefully it is nothing. but i struggle with pesimism and i do not trust my mother. she continues to try to redevelop the incestual relationship she had with me. and, i do not want any other child to suffer.

now an update:

in one hour i will attend a family meal where my mother will be present. she told me via phone she wishes to 'talk to me about some things.' i pray for the courage to be my best. to protect me and to not be abusive of her or anyone else.

i have no desire to be enmeshed with her again. no, a small part of me desires it but the majority of me says NO!

she refuses to let go. she complains again and again that she wants things to be as they were. i told her in clear terms that i have given her enough. but, she refuses to accept.

if she starts with the same complaint i believe i will not discuss it with her. i will tell her that it is a waste of time and i will walk away. if it all becomes too much. i will say goodbye and leave. whichever happens, i will be able to please my grandfather by spending some amount of time with her.

ok, i need to go men. i will do my best to speak with my nephew and i pray for the right words. Ken's advice sounded really solid. let's take good care of ourselves men. sincerely,


bec


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#5359 - 08/20/04 06:47 PM Re: mother/emotional incester returns
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello men:

here is an update on how the meal with my mother went.

-we hardly looked at each other. i offered to hug her upon my arrival and she accepted.

-we spoke to her little.

-she looked bad. 80-100 pounds heavier than the last time. she claims her weight gain is medicine-caused. we suspect at least some of it is due to her use of eating to eaze her emotional pain, partially caused by not being able to emotionally incest me any more.

-she said grace/prayers before the meal and wimpered as she has before. a seemingly childish, self-pitying behavior she uses regularly.

-i spoke with my nephew about him living near my mother and his desire did not seem strong. he said it was nice there but 'boring'.

-we do not feel safe near her. we can feel soiled, dirty-like in her presence. and, angry, hurt.

-she leaves in 5 days

-we do not know if we will spend more time with her. we know this may be our last chance in years.

-we do not trust her. she incested us for 30 years. we greatly fear she would hurt us again if given the chance. sadly, a part of us cares/may even love her. a child's love can be an amazin thing.

-we became ill, had BAD stomach cramps. caused by our nerves/our uneaz near her. we left the group and journaled. this helped calm us and stopped the cramps.

-why did we cramp up? we believe a part of us still wants to be enmeshed with her. we didn't give in to that part of us. thus, the cramps.

we pray for strength in dealing with her. she is spending the day visiting relatives. we will see what the future holds. that is all men. i may post more soon. sincerely,


bec


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