Everyone,
This is all I hear about adused "raped" guys doing when they have sex with another man. Now I'm no brain child when it comes to writing but can really kick ass in other ways! Now I was raped countless times by older boys and men when I was 11 to 16 YO. It didn't stop because my father let it go on and on until I got wheels and run off. This was all foregotten until last fall when the flashbacks started. I've been to Shrinks, Hospitals, M.D.'s, PHD's, whatever and have a therapist and a Pdoc-M.D. right now. Now what did I do when the flashbacks started? Without thinking I tried to ack it out to gain control! Went to the Net and found the hardest form of anal sex "FISTING" and found a man to do it to me. Didn't get much control but really liked the anal sex. Men get into the part of the body that was raped, do they need sex with this part or another man? Shrinks say the part. I didn't know so I got my wife to do it for me. I liked it a lot more from her because I did get control and it was a lot more nicer with her than a stranger! Now the shrinks are amazed with my actions in dealing with the aduse myself and without any outside help. I still get the flashbacks but they are fewer now. I have PTSD - RTS and have had for 40 years. It screwed up half of my life. After the abuse I ran off and became an outlaw biker and didn't have sex with anyone but myself for 15 years. When the club was broke up I had to clean up and get a job...boy did that suck but I met my wife of 22 years and have a wonderfull 12 YO little girl. I still feel the pain, shame and everything else from the abuse...dam as a biker I used to beat up fags all the time...now I find out that I had sex with other guys while a child! This really bums me out, to be so comfussed! What control do I have????

Eddie....... getteddie@yahoo.com

ya thats real fucked up i was the bad ass on the walk too, then came a long this bullshit childhood sexual abuse, every thing that make you tough is useless, it has striped my identity,im the stanger in my own house to my family, before i looked in this direction every thing had its place,use,reason now its bullshit, the life i lived before never happened its a nightmare i vist at times when i close my eyes for rest, i get tierd of the rollercoaster ride, i didnot ask to be soulless, i did not want my childhood taken from me, i espacely dont like to sit here scking up space till a real human comes to fill it,,,,,,,,

Hey Thunderbolt,
Glad there is another broken bad ass here ...not glad that you were broken ...just glad not to be alone. I built a house and moved back to my old neighborhood....I was given land when my fokes died...boy what a fucked up turn of fate! This is where I was abused and didn't know it. Most of the people were gone...all the kids that I grew up with were gone...this seemed a little strange but what the hell a nice house, one mile from the belt way, surrounded by parkland, connected to 3 acers with my two sisters. Things started to ge strange, I was made ranger of the park, leader of the local improvement asos. but behind my back everyone called me "SHOOT THEM DEAD ED"...like what the hell. I can understand people not wanting to take lead but who did I shoot????? Why is everyone gone that raped me....I started tracking...found that 7 of the abused had killed theirselfs...others junkies...one don't want to talk. My wife has been tracking down the abusers...all moved far away. THE POINT IS----NOW THAT I HAVE ALL OF THIS SHIT>>>I DON"T WANT IT<<<<<<< I WANT TO BOOK ALSO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Act it out!!!!!
Eddie

Everyone,
I did end up in a hospital with half of my guts in my left nut! I guess that acting it out with your wife fisting you could be dangerous...may not be good enough to kill you but put you in a hell of a lot of pain. I don't know what to say...have to get an operation because my left nut is KILLING ME !!!!! Don't know what will happen now, it was keeping me from exploding.

Eddie

Everyone,
I did find a doctor to operate on the 27th..he said that it would be no problem and it will be stronger...so I can go longer...just kiding! Will I stop the fisting thing...hell no..it's the main thing that's keeping me together. I know that everyone here thinks that I'm nuts...well so what..it works for me. It keeps the abuse from taking over my mind and running my life...if you can believe that...but it does and my doctors and therapist agree with me...maybe because I'm so wild and nuts...they are afraid to disagree! Whatever, when I thought that I would never be able to do it again...I thought that I would just die...lost it for days! Acting it out is a big thing with survivors...some have to do it. I take a form of sex more painfull then the abuse, contol it and turn it into pleasure...and remember the Pdocs think that it is great...and I get peace of mind for days or up to a week!!!!!!

Kind of strange but true...a diffrent form of self med.

Eddie

Hay Ed, thanks for talking about the insanity. I don't feel quite so wierd when I'm not the only one. What is is about the compulsion to act out that requires the behavior be self destructive? I wish I could act out in positive ways! Maybe I do, Being a recycled junkie (AA) I find I do a lot of service work when all I want to do is get baked. Seems like I spend a lot of time here when I can't get the thought of finding someone to abuse me out of my head.

.... ... ... .. . .

Just did a space man spiff wondering how many sadists and masochists are survivors? That's a scarry thought!

Well, keep both tires on the road and don't swallow the bugs.

Jerunamuck

been haveing the same problem for years, any thing to big that i can get in there, id have been a great whore, a sadist i dont know so far its just me some where by my self once or twice a week , i think just when the moments right, i hate that thing behind me, i get more pleasure from what hangs in front, sex adict hell ya cant live without it get it, cant live without it, if i could keep that distracting high going forever, hell ya like i said great whore, you ether hate it or like it, apples and oranges, some think im a nut, some say i are,fuck um
keep it real.....