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#53426 - 01/03/04 09:44 AM Needing, but not knowing
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am not sure if this is just me, or if it is something that happens with other people also. I am feeling I need something right now, and I don't know what it is. I'm having emotions coming upon me right now, and I know where some of them are rooted, and do not have any idea of others. My brother's birthdate is coming up this next week, and for the first time, it is effecting me, because this time last year he was a vague memory in a bad dream only. Just last month I visited his grave for the first time, and felt close with him, felt so much love and attachment to this little boy I haven't seen in almost 20 years. I am sure that is part of the 'on edge' feeling I am having right now, along with not sleeping, and still feeling ill. I wish so much I could go to sleep for about a week, a restful sleep, not my normal, and wake up alive and feeling strong and healthy, instead of what I've been feeling like for couple weeks now. And of course, being sick makes me more triggered. So it is like going like some rodent on the wheel right now. Being sick makes me triggered-being triggered makes me lose sleep and not eat good-which keeps me sick.

Whoever here might know what I need, give it to me! uck!

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#53428 - 01/03/04 10:04 PM Re: Needing, but not knowing
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Leosha - when you are feeling down, read your own comments on the posting 'I more than Survived'. When I read them it cheered me up to see how positive you could be about yourself. Most of your comments here are supportive of others - please direct a little bit more of that love to yourself. You've got a lot of warmth in there!

As for feeling a need to be close to those that have passed on - well that's because you loved them. They would obviously want you to live a fulfilled life - please do that for them.

There are many people that have gone out of my life & I miss them like mad - can't bring them back but I think of the good times & I can smile. *I think some of them would haunt me if I used their passing as another reason to beat myself up.

Be good to yourself - if it's cold outside, keep the home fires burning.

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#53429 - 01/03/04 11:14 PM Re: Needing, but not knowing
bountiful1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 58
Loc: New York, New York, USA
Hi Leosh!

It is very natural for you to feel sadness and frustration - from what you have expressed here, those would be natural (and I think healthy) responses. Human beings have feelings attached to what they do and what is done to them. It is what differentiates us from animals. Imagine how horrifying things would be if people acted without feeling towards others. (Germany in the 1930s and 40s comes to mind).

It is rough - and I wish there was a magic cure I could give you. But I will tell you one fact I feel strongly about. The way you talk about your brother and the feelings you sepak of make me wish I had a brother just like you. That you feel so stongly and so many things around your brother speaks very clearly to me of a very caring, decent and loving man - you! That you mull it around is hard (believe me I know from my own experiences). It is hard - but the things you speak of tell me that you are a great person! I also know that people who are abused as we were have difficulty knowing just what it is they are like - - but I tell you from my heart that the way you have written and expressed yourself about this reminds me very clarly of the great person I have come to know Leosha as!!!

One therapist I have had the great plasure of working with said to me that - "it is difficult to look at these things - and to feel - when for so long I could not feel --- so now that I know about what was done to me and the crap that those mens' actions dumped on my life, I have to learn to soemhow give myself a break. Sometimes I am going to conciously have to chose to escape - in a healthy way - to give myself a well deserved break from dealing with the crap for a while... BUT now I can do it conciously. I can chose healthy ways of escape... nothing that will do harm to myself or - just as impotantly -to anyone else" ...

My dear friend Leosha... If you can - do a few things that will take your mind away - you can always come back to this stuff in a day or two. Feeling is the one wonderful thing that separates people from animals. Feelingly take care of yourself. Get your mind off thinking for a while ... remember that just becasue you think soemthing - it does not neccessarily make it so. Your experiences teach you. And I know from how you have acted towards your pupils - with such good feewling and such consideration for their feelings - that you can do it for yourself. You have done it to another - you can do it for yourself.

Please do not take this as advice. I would never tell anyone what to do. I am just letting you know of something that worked for me. Escape in a healthy way. Pay tribute when you can. Seek help when you feel you need it. Email me if you'd like. It is okay to escape from this for a time. Just be good to yourself when you do... come back to these things when you can.

I admire you more and more - the more I hear from you - both pms and here!!

I'll think of you - and honour your difficulties at this time.

As always.

Asher

_________________________
I do not know what signature means in 300 words. I am guessing some thoughts?

Great book that captures the truth of PTSD: The Sentimentalists by Skibsrud

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#53430 - 01/04/04 02:43 AM Re: Needing, but not knowing
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Leosha,

Maybe this will help. It is for you and your brother. Rest now. You are doing great.

Donald

Quote:

Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)
-Words & Music by Bily Joel, from "River of Dreams"

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
Inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be


_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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