Thinking back eight years ago...boy was life so different. We were settling in with a new baby girl. One of the most amazingly precious and wonderous times of my life. Can I just go back? Can WE just go back. I know our memory only holds on to the good times but I just remember “happy” then. We had our first child. We were together. Yes, we were stressed and scared. But, we were also happy. What happened? Where did that all go? Eight years ago, this day was spent just staring at the new life in our home and being thankful to God for blessing us. I can remember that this was the day we “showed A her bedroom.” Oh what a room that was! We had so much creativity then. We had so many dreams and ambitions for OUR lives. But that room...with all it’s colors and patterns. It’s true when we people say that those things affect children. A is TRULY colorful and vibrant. What can I do to maintain that? These days all there is...is darkness and chaos. Will she succumb to that because of my failings? I am a terrible father. I can’t keep the house clean. I can’t even keep it neat and organized. I can barely keep myself together each day. What about K? What life has he led? He came into this world when the “happiness” had started to fade. Do we love him any less? NO! But, he didn’t get to enjoy those carefree and fun years. Isn’t that unfair? Once again, it’s my fault. Will he be okay? I pray to God that he will be. I’m so tired of being scared and sad...and TIRED. I need so badly to be held by someone in the right way. I want to be held by T. Why am I so messed up? I didin’t deserve this but I perpetuate it!! I can stop it...I COULD have stopped it...and I didn’t. I created lies. Surprise, my whole life is a lie. It always has been. I’m a failure...at my marriage, at work, at being a friend, at being a brother, at being a son, at being a cousin, at being a dad...at being a human. I’m just a worthless piece of shit. Really, that’s what I am. But, I try to pretend that I’m so much more. Day by day, I’m failing at that too. Each day, my facade becomes more and more transparent. Soon, you all will see what I really am...what I’ve always been...just a worthless pile of shit.

TX,
You really need to work with a good therapist and stop playing those old tapes in your head. I am worried for you and sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I would gently recommend that you not call yourself a failure, because you are not. Be kind to yourself. Peace, Andrew

TX, you know the old adage, you are your own worse critic. I am sorry that you are feeling down right now. an analogy an old T. taught me: when you are in the middle of a bunch of sh**, you look around and all you can see is sh**. Once you are past it, you can look back and say, "yeah, that was a bunch of sh** but now I can see life all around it". i think that story stuck with me because I was 14 and that was the first time my T cussed in front of me. Regardless, I keep that close to my heart because personally, when things are bad, I can only see the world coming down around me, and cant see the rest of life. my emotional vision is only 20/20 in hindsight. Peace TX. Give your kids a hug and take it one day at a time.

TX,

I'm so sorry you are in such a bad patch right now; I hear you offloading a lot of frustration and anger. It is good to do that and get it out of our system.

I know you have been going through a lot in recent months, and sure, all that does take its toll. But I would like to put in a word for the TX we know from other posts: the caring guy who looks after his kids, for example, and who supports other survivors with help and encouragement. Doesn't sound like a worthless person to me!

When things seem to be going wrong everywhere at once it's tempting to see the whole situation in terms of "Okay, who's to blame for this mess?" And if a survivor is asking the question, chances are he is setting himself up to take the fall.

I'm not going to advise you to ignore those feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness; if you feel them, hey, they need to be worked on. But don't accept that they show who you really are. We all have that problem in one way or another, and it comes from outside us, from what happened to us as children.

Andrew suggests "Be kind to yourself". A good way to start on that would be to focus on your present and future as opposed to dwelling on things in the past that can't be changed or undone. This will probably require professional help, not because you are a failure (Andrew doesn't go for this, and I don't believe it either), but because the issues can get so very complicated and when they have affected us so deeply it is difficult to approach them in a useful way. A therapist will help you to untangle everything and put it in perspective.

Lacansletter said something to you that I really liked: "Give your kids a hug and take it one day at a time." In your post you are looking at everything at once and seeing no way forward. Well, that doesn't mean you are a failure; it means you are human. No one can juggle all the balls at once. Let me put what L. said in a slightly different way: Rejoice in the wonderful gifts with which you have been blessed, and as for problems, deal with what you can as you can. With help things will get better.

I hope you keep talking with us here. It's good to have you in our little group.

Take care,
Larry

Thank you Andrew, lacansletter and roadrunner. Your words helped me float yesterday. I may have to cling to them quite a bit in the next few weeks. This month is filled with lots of "firsts" for someone who is separated...daughter's birthday, anniversary, my birthday. I find that my emotional state tends to deteriorate in the face of anticipation of things. I fear the future and I'm scared of what it will hold. Most times it turns out to be okay but it's like I never learn THAT lesson. I am truly blessed to be a part of this group. I have friends and family who love and support me but they don't know or completely understand EVERYTHING I'm dealing with (especially the CSA). Most don't even know about it. So, they don't really know the right things to say to me. Here, you guys do know and your words are food for a hurting soul. Thank you again!!
tx_space

TX, I really identify with your feelings about fearing the future and being scared of what it will hold. Most nights, I wake up at about 4:00 AM and have scary thoughts about bad things that might happen during the day. I sleep in 15 minute increments until my girlfriend gets up and goes to work, when I do my best to find reasons not to get out from under the covers. I, too, have yet to learn the lesson that things usually turn out OK. My body just won't accept it. Mostly I feel despair.

I waited a few days to post to this site (I joined earlier this week), but I check it and read the discussion board every now and again, just to remind myself that I'm not alone. The best advice I would have for you would be to be nice to yourself. I'm not very good at it, but I know that things will get better once I learn to do it.

Take care.

TX, I can totally empahtize about "falling apart in anticipation of events". I too have yet to let that lesson sink in. Even when I can rationalize it on some level, on the emotional level I am stressed about how something Could go. I tend to play out worst case scenarios. I am not sure if this is common to all CSA Survivors, but it seems to be a common symptom. Maybe one of our astute moderators or CLSW's can expound on why many survivors have this anticipatory anxiety and why this lesson is particularly hard to internalize.