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#53258 - 01/05/04 07:16 PM Re: Silent for so long
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Thanks again to everyone on this site for the support you all provide. I'm just amazed another 5 responses (thanks Kurt, Steve, Leosha, Joe & Tom)and all willing to share with me. I've just added a comment to Phoster's posting 'Good Weekend' because he's given me an excellent idea of writing letters to my inner child / abuser / ignorant 'responsible' adults. This will be the first time I've ever managed to get properly angry with my abuser.

Thanks again for all of your advice / good wishes & shared experiences. I feel so much better than I did last week when I first came here.

*By the way Kurt - I don't sound too much like Roger Moore... my voice is way deeper & I have a North East accent (nothing like the Queens English). Don't know if you ever saw 'When the boat comes in' on TV over there but that's more like the accent. **I think I would have made a better James Bond though.

Thanks everyone... Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#53259 - 01/05/04 09:38 PM Re: Silent for so long
MichaelD Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/04
Posts: 8
I finally told someone what happened only recently after 10+ hiding it. I am still young, 21, and I truly feel for you gents who have held it in for so long, whether intentionally or not. What pain...I am also extremly happy to hear many of you are married and involved in long, hopefully lasting relationships. It gives me a great sense of hope. Marriage, someday, has always been a major goal in life but I was often discouraged, in fact, downright convinced no one would ever accept me for what happened to me. I know I did nothing wrong, but that stigma is a heavy burden to bear.

I have no intention of shouting what happened from the rooftops. In fact, outside of this place and the person I confided in I feel no need to tell. I feel it only aggravates a problem I am thoroughly trying to leave behind in my life. Perhaps I have the wrong idea, but I must move on.

Onward and upward.

_________________________
Onward and upward!

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#53260 - 01/05/04 10:59 PM Re: Silent for so long
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
MichaelD this is Mike talking. Yup there is hope. Some day the right young lady will come along and you will be knocked head over heals. She will love you for who you are and not for what has happened to you. Ime 63 and I would not trade my wife for anything or my daughter also.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#53261 - 01/07/04 12:41 AM Re: Silent for so long
MichaelD Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/04
Posts: 8
I know, the sheer thought of finding that woman (hopefully) makes me want to smile, cry, hide, and find her.

_________________________
Onward and upward!

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#53262 - 01/08/04 11:10 AM Re: Silent for so long
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Rick,

The act of telling people, anyone, as few or as many as you'd like, is a very rewarding, liberating experience, even if the response you get isn't the one that you want.

I lived with the fact that a counselor at my middle school sexually abused me, raped me, and tried to murder me twice in his office and around the school, even while I was repressing the memories, for 26-odd years. I repressed and kept the monster's dirty little secret because I was ashamed of what he did to me (and made me do to him), and scared of what he almost did to me (and threatened to do if I ever told anyone). He had taken the power away from me, and this has affected every Goddamn aspect of my life.

Telling on the b*****d was the first step in taking my power, my life!, back. It can be for you too. And I think it has been.

I'm so glad you found your way here, although I grieve at the fact you need it. I tell every newcomer I post to that I love them, no strings. Considering how some of our abusers used "love" to get what they want, it's important for me to let you know that I love you, without strings or anything in return.

Peace and love, brother Rick.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#53263 - 01/08/04 12:19 PM Re: Silent for so long
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I understand the impulse to shout it out but I am afraid to do so, afraid of being misunderstood, being judged.

I am still pretty early in the process of recovery. I still feel shame for what happened though the guys here especially have helped me by repeating that its not our fault, not our fault.

I am still extremely angry at my perps for robbing a number of things from me foremost of which is an ability to engage in the sort of sxual intimacy that a lot of guys seem to take for granted.

I guess I would urge caution in telling too many people too soon. I think it is important to have control over that especially since we had no control over the abuse itself. I think that is part of taking care of ourselves.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#53264 - 01/08/04 07:25 PM Re: Silent for so long
andrew-jess Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/07/04
Posts: 3
Loc: Massachusetts
Hi Rick,
What a coincidence, if there are such things, thatI read your post today. Today Rick I turned in my manusrcipt for my memoire. A memoire that chronicled a life that dealt with abuse on numerous levels. I, too, thought that my home life was like everyone elses. I spent years in therapy with therapists who discouraged digging up past grudges with parents, or at the very least the miminalized the effects of the abuse. I felt guilty for everything I did in life, as well as stuff I didn't do.
Rick it wasn't until a year and a half ago that I decided to write my story. I quit my job and wrote it. People(Friends and Family) thought I was losing my mind. I fought feelings of doubt, because I knew I had to write it. My parents death's(ten years ago) were devestating to me an only child. I wrote glorious eulogies that would be fitting for nominations for sainthood. I knew that I was only telling half of the story, that's all I ever told. I was the keeper of the flame and just as Bobby Kennedy did for his big brother I deified my parents in death. But then I finally got it. It took confronting addictions and taking that excruciating hard look in the mirror, I decided to get a comprehensive picture of my life. Thus the book.
Well Rick I hope I haven't piled on here, but there is a point to this. The point is: besides my wife, everyone around here thinks I'm crazy and that I should not live in the past. Most people around here loved my parents and view what I'm doing as downright heressy. I have no support from my extended family. But I have a strong woman who stands by me, she's the strongest person I know, as I fight my way through the external structure that actually perpetuates and encourages abuse.
I feel horrible right now. I feel empty. I feel like I sinned on my family. I feel I have delivered a mortal blow, well at least part of me does. There is a very healthy part of me that says I'm breaking this damn cycle and I'm stronger than my eighty something cousins that want me to stop.
The point is I love my parents still. They were victims just like me. They are the tragic figures because they lived such unfulfilled lives. Me I'm a survivor and I'm shedding that old life and all my negative behavior that allowed me to survive. I don't need that shit anymore.
Silence=Death I heard that last night in a chat room.
I've been dead and silent my entire life and now I choose to live. Rick,you too,it's time to live and speak out.

with empathy and loyalty
Andrew


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#53265 - 01/08/04 08:01 PM Re: Silent for so long
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Brayton

Quote:
I guess I would urge caution in telling too many people too soon. I think it is important to have control over that especially since we had no control over the abuse itself. I think that is part of taking care of ourselves.
That's exactly how I did it, slowly and on my terms.
And the more people I told the more I began to trust people in general. And so far I have received NO hostility, a few people have been confused and didn't know how to react - but that's no problem. They didn't actively reject me.

So now I don't really care who knows. I told a young lad at work yesterday and his reaction was nothing more than a big smile and "hey, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy." and then we just carried on talking. And that's the kind of reaction I get from most people.
I think they realise that because I'm talking about it in a relaxed ( well nearly relaxed ) manner then I must be cool with it.

Possibly if I was to break down in hysterics and tell someone the reaction would be different ?

It is very liberating to be able to talk with others about it as a part of everyday life, but we have to trust ourselves to do that.

Dave

And welcome to Andrew as well, I hope you find this a safe and supporting place, we all do.

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#53266 - 01/10/04 08:32 PM Re: Silent for so long
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Thanks again to everyone that has posted responses to my original posting. I feel welcome and supported here. Had a bad start to the weekend feeling negative, although the day has gradually got better. Strange how I always seem to get telephone calls at the crucial points!?

My question now is that there is one person I must tell, and that is my sister. I couldn't do it over Christmas & New Year because I know how much it would upset her. She is the most supportive person there is and I know she suspects something is not right. I just don;t know how to go about it. *She's five years older than me and we've always been close - that's the problem, she won't understand why I didn't tell her before. She'll be mad that I've tortured myself for 34 years.

Thanks if you can help, if not just thanks for your support ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

Top
#53267 - 01/10/04 09:51 PM Re: Silent for so long
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Rik: Damned right she will be mad. My wife and daughter were for not telling them. But you know what they are the best supporters I have.

All we fear is fear itself so just do it and apologize for not telling her. It was just to scary for me to tell. I was afraid I would lose them and that they would look at me as a freak. Tell this to your sister honestly.

Good Luck :p

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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