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#52888 - 03/12/03 08:50 PM A long walk with me.
Kieran1 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 33
Loc: Canada
I have spent over 2 hours with my therapist today and I am emotionally drained beyond belief.I did not even imagine how hard this was going to be! The start of two-chair work or Gestalt therapy has not been an easy one. I sat across from my across from my 12 year old self and began to relive the entire abuse. How do you look Kieran straight in the eye and not dissolve into tears,rage and yes,self pity.There I was, a kid,wallowing in this pig sty of stuff that happened so long ago,but today was as clear as it was yesterday. God, I hated this and wanted the whole session to stop.We finally did when my therapist felt I was getting too upset and maybe take a break. You know,there is a boy over there who for many reasons,cannot come to terms yet with all those times of abuse,of not telling of shame,of guilt and an inability to forgive himself. We talked about me as a child just being in the wrong place at the wrong time when my abuser picked me as a victim. He has told me time and time again that I did nothing to initiate the abuse,and that my initial "OK" to responding to his touches were only the actions of a naive,trusting kid.That's fine,but my present self cannot come to terms with the ,I did nothing,I didn't tell,I must have liked it because I kept it my own "secret" between me and my abuser,the one who took a piece of my life away,my innocence and changed my life forever.Can I ever cross this line,and come to terms with this!! I have just taken a "long" walk and tried to let everything go again.I have to curl up with my wife and let her know my feelings,but with days like today I think I just started again on this never ending spiral. There must be a place for me to heal,I just want to find it.


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#52889 - 03/12/03 09:07 PM Re: A long walk with me.
SOUTH OF NY Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/08/03
Posts: 7
Loc: COLUMBIA, SC
HOORAYY.! HOORAY FOR YOU. YOU JUST TOOK THE FIRST STEP TO HEALING.

_________________________
FINDING MYSELF

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#52890 - 03/12/03 10:31 PM Re: A long walk with me.
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Kieran, South of NY has a point. You've made an important 1st step in starting this 2 chair therapy. It took several sessions for me, and I'm not convinced there isn't more yet for me to do.
Took a long time to get messed up by this crap, and it can take time to recover. But you will; you are a survivor!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#52891 - 03/12/03 10:33 PM Re: A long walk with me.
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Our perps are masters at manipulation and brainwashing. As children and teenagers and even men in some cases, we don't have the tools to resist or even know what's really going on.

Kieran your post just resonates with me, I've been there and I'm still working it out. The grief and pain and tears and shame and guilt - it takes time to let it out. I can relate to damn near every sentence you've written, it could be me instead. Self forgiveness is easier when you start to put the blame where it belongs, on your perp, not you or your 12 yr old.

Please, please, be gentle with your 12 yr old part. It wasn't his fault! It wasn't his fault! We were tricked and convertly influenced into keeping the secret.

Don't give up now, you've made great progress. It's a difficult journey, this thing called recovery.

Strength in numbers,

jer


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#52892 - 03/13/03 05:36 AM Re: A long walk with me.
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Kieran, I am struggling with the many of the same feelings and trying to learn how to comfort my poor 12 year old self. I have buried this crap for 30 years and consequently have been so full of anxiety that my wife could no longer wait for me to seek therapy and has separated from me. I am now having a very difficult time trying to be there for my self and also deal with losing a great lady. I found an awesome therapist and am just trying to take it one day at a time. You are not alone; your story is a familiar one for too many. Take care


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#52893 - 03/13/03 09:30 PM Re: A long walk with me.
Kieran1 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 33
Loc: Canada
Thank-You to all of you who replied and gave me the kind of encouragement I need right now. I will come to grips with this,don't worry. I am fragile now,but the glue of advice is going to help put me back together so I can heal.You are so right,this is hard stuff.That 12 year old will find peace,that I must trust.Thank-You,guys. I know where help is now,my therapist,my wife and you brothers.God Bless You.

From Kieran


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