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#52622 - 07/08/03 05:21 AM I'm awake again
ummbikes Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/08/03
Posts: 4
Loc: S.W. Washington



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#52623 - 07/08/03 05:43 AM Re: I'm awake again
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hey, UMMMMMMM,
Ooops, maybe too many MMMMMMMMM's.
Just dropping by to say Hi and to tell you that you sound like you got those "successful shakes."
You know, you accomplish something and you start to wonder if it's really "yours," did you really "earn it," "deserve it."
Raising your head above the shit pile can be difficult.
You say, I'm not a pile. I have worth, I am somebody, not something other than human.
Maybe those aren't your particular words, but are they close?
You sound like you've got your stuff somewhat together and now it's seeing your self in a new light.
What kind of law would you like to practice?
I'm just across the river in Portland and I've been thinking about getting some of the guys together over here.
I'm sorry for the reason that you're here but glad you've found this site and have joined us, welcome.

Your brother in the struggle,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#52624 - 07/08/03 07:45 AM Re: I'm awake again
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Hi
Quote:
I am up sleepless again.
I am here in MN up with you. It is hard to run from CSA so it would be best to deal with it now when you are still young. At 52 I waited far too long to begin my healing.
Quote:
Despite my very best intentions of pushing on through and putting the past behind me I feel like I'm going to lose it. (it being my sanity)
I think most of us have felt that we where going to lose it more than once. The one thing that has help me the most is finding a good T that help me work the issues out. I learned that I did nolthing wrong and that I was not alone. This web site has a excellent article about shopping for a T, it will help with many of the ?????? you will have.
About the sleepless issue I don't know what to say. I am tring some Meds for depession and sleep but they are not working out for me. I think I was better off without the MEDS but time will tell. Glad that you have found this place we are alse here for you. Good luck with your healing. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#52625 - 07/08/03 08:50 AM Re: I'm awake again
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Welcome, You are not alone with the sleepless nights I think I learned to count everything from sheep to jellybeans! Its a battle that should not be discounted. A person need rest to cope with the challenges ahead.
I have found that there is no easy solution however, I did find that reading helped. Not only to help get me to sleep but to increase my knowledge of SA. And, uncover things that I had long forgotten about. Did it cause more sleepless nights, perhaps but today I can say that I am glad that I uncovered what destroyed my childhood, that robbed me from being the husband and father I could have been had I not been hiding the truth.
Talk it out with a good T, here with these brave men, and rest, peace will eventually come back to you. Take care of you.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#52626 - 07/08/03 08:57 AM Re: I'm awake again
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Hello and welcome to the club, so to speak.

I remember my 30's as being a decade spent debunking the myths that I had accumulated about both myself and the world in general.

Now here you are dealing with, not only your own construction [family, education, career] and deconstruction [deciding what to take with you into the next decade], but you are also dealing with the effects of having been victimized sexually, and it seems the demon is defying further repression. Man, do you have a full plate or what?

Any one of the three alone would be a drain on the energy level of a regular human being. Obviously, you have got the survivor stamina that we all seem to share.

I am glad you are here. Finding MS is a timely event for your life. I know you are very busy, but please put a little of it on the back burner during the summer down time, and get to know us, and let us get to know you. We need your friendship, and to share in the triumph of your survivorship. It does get better.

Tell us about your struggles.

Welcome,

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#52627 - 07/08/03 09:53 AM Re: I'm awake again
Gadzook Offline
Member

Registered: 12/10/00
Posts: 72
Loc: Papillion, NEBRASKA (USA)
Hello All. Been a while since I have visited this board. Also been a while since I last posted.
As a survivor of a gang rape I know the night terrors one goes through. I also know that sometimes it's hard to sleep. Rest assured it "does" get better and easier to sleep. I'm living proof. There was once a time I thought I wouldn't ever sleep again. I came to the brink of giving up everything including my life. But I didn't. I kept working on myself. Getting myself better. Not for anyone else - just for me.
So how did I get through those nights? Sometimes it was simply by having someone up with me. Sometimes I would watch television or use the net or even read. I also found that baking/cooking at night settled my mind and made me sleepy enough to crash. I would bake cakes or make something (simple) just to help ease my mind. I'm not chef. But it did help. Also as hard as it can be - exercising (walking etc) in the evening can help you feel more uplifted before bed. Also going to bed at the same time every night helps. Your brain and body adjust themselves and you begin to get tired after a week of doing this. I started thinking of sleep more as "my" safe place. Rather than a place where my "demons" were waiting. This was "my" place. I started to use that as a motivator to sleep. I wasn't going to let the people rape me again (this time out of something as wonderful as sleep). I hope this does not sound at all preachy. Just giving some advice on things I did to help me. Remember sleep is "your" solitude. It can be your safe place. It can be hard and frightening. Or you can take back control and do things to make it yours again. I just kept thinking there was no way I was going to let these people rape my dreams from me. They had taken enough and I refused to let them take anything more.
I understand that it is easy to say these things. I went through many long and lonely (not to mention sometimes) depressing nights. But I stuck to what I had to do for me. Writing my journal entries at night also helped. I would write how I felt but I also would write anything and everything that came to mind. This helped break me of some very self destructive behavior that I was experiencing.
I hope this post is somewhat helpful. Like I said I have been there before and I understand. It's not easy. But it does get better. As long as you work to make it better. Looking back I remember how hard it was. And now... I look forward (for the firs time in my life) to having a future. And just as importantly to sleeping in comfort at night. No- every single night is not perfect. But I do sleep. And I do sleep soundly and comfortably.
~Gadzook

_________________________
~Gadzook

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#52628 - 07/09/03 04:53 AM Re: I'm awake again
ummbikes Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/08/03
Posts: 4
Loc: S.W. Washington
I thank you all for your kind words and responces. To echo many others I am simply amazed that I am not the only guy who is going through stuff because of SA as a child. Who knew there were so many of us. \:\(

I am trying to sort out emotionally discussing things that I have held so close for so long and am a little afraid at what adressing my past will mean.

Thanks Again


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#52629 - 07/09/03 08:38 AM Re: I'm awake again
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
ummbikes

Scary prospect to be sure, but you have a safety net, so

Let 'er rip!!!!!!!

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#52630 - 07/09/03 10:19 AM Re: I'm awake again
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
I agree man, let er rip, the peace you will finally start to feel is incredible, it will not be pleasant, it will not be easy on yourself or others involved but it will give you peace to tell the truth to start to set you free. Only took me 40 years..............take care of you
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#52631 - 07/09/03 11:42 AM Re: I'm awake again
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello Ummbikes,

Congratulation on your graduation. And, also, on your marriage and being Daddy to three children. It would seem that you have the world by the ass, except, you are a victim of one of the most despicalbe crimes a human can committ.

Childhood sexual abuse CSA, is not something that we can say something like: "that was really bad, dammit!" and now it is all okay.

You are a father. You love your children. So, it tears your gut up to think of any one of them having happen to them what happened to you. Well, friend, you were a precious, vulnerable little boy, excited about all kinds of things and full of life. Then it happened. You were betrayed and violated terribly. Your entire life changed that day. True, whether you were a little kid or a teenager when molested.

Here is a suggestion. At the top of the page of any forum you will see that you get the topics for the past 20 days. Well, you can adjust that to anytinhg from the last 20 days to all topics.

Go to the Male Survivor forum on the public sites, and look through at least the last half a year. You will come to various listings like: Why didn't you tell? And what effect did sa have on you?

Now, this won't be fun reading. But it will make you feel better about what you feel, to find that we all feel many of the same things.

You are surprised that so many of us were molested. Well, the stats are, one in six of us adult males were victims of CSA before our 16th birthday. So, as many as there are of men here on MS. The fact is, that millions of us have been harmed like that. You most certainly are not alone. I wish you were, sort of. Only because then, the rest of us would not have suffered, what in fact we all suffered, and are still suffering from.

Your brothers here are good guys to talk to. Enjoy not being alone. Enjoy not having to go through what is becoming very big in your life, alone.

Peace to you ummbikes!

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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