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#526 - 04/22/04 08:03 PM Then, and Now.
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
040422
Thursday, the 22nd of April, of the Year 2004

::Pouring myself another cup of hot coffee, clearing-off a section of my cluttered desk as I sit before the computer yet again, staring at a blank screen… Reaching over and turning it ‘On’, going through the start-up cycles as I sip ever-so-carefully from my chipped cup …::

They say bad medicine is best taken quickly, all at once. I can testify to that wisdom, though I have trouble following it with the mental/emotional/physical wounds that I bear. How much can a person take, before they crack at the weak points, and crumble to dust? I feel as if I’m held together by duct tape and baling wire, yet the holes are still leaking, pouring my heart and soul out to the thirsty ground…

I was, I thought, a well-rounded person. Sure, I’ve endured mishaps and pain in my past, as I’m sure everyone can relate to. I survived a broken Family three-times-over, and ended up with a ‘wicked’ StepFather that could easily come from one of Grimm’s Fairy Tales, complete with the bread crumbs and large oven…

I dropped out of High School in my 11th Year to work full time to help my Mother support our Family, after she finally gathered the courage to escape her second marriage. When her next husband proved to be even MORE dangerous, I found myself in a situation that compelled me to join the United States Marine Corps. at the age of 18. I had to prove to myself, and by example the rest of the world that I was, indeed, a ‘Man’.
I reveled in the Corp., but found that the ideals to which I aspired were still looked upon as irrelevant, even infantile, by most of my fellow soldiers. I discovered that it was not the Corp. that made the Man, but the Man who made the Corp.. And Humans are fallable. Sometimes horribly so.

I was hurt badly as a child, then again as an adult. I have an assortment of wounds and scars that testify to my battles. I know first hand the pain of abuse, physical, mental, and even spiritual. I fell apart, however, when the reality of some of the battles made its way to the fore of my mind, and took over, omitting everything else in my Life for its terrible visages…

I had things buried so deep from my past, that I never imagined they could be there, much less surface, later in life, to wreak havoc on my position in the world, bringing ruin to all aspects of my existence. I am there, right now, teetering on the edge of the precipice, not knowing how to recover myself.

How do I consol the child that was me, when I was sexually mutilated? When I was sexually traumatized and cast-aside as refuse by a person I thought I could trust, and called ‘Friend’.


How can I reconcile the events that unfolded when I was a young adult, and again sexually brutalized, tortured, almost killed? Being a Marine didn’t help me, then. If anything, it made what happened even worse, as I should’ve been able to stay away from the sequence of events that led up to that horrible night; been able to defend myself adequately.

These memories were buried deep inside my mind, and were never supposed to again see the light of ‘Day’. But they wouldn’t just fade away, die, and turn to dust on their own. They lay there, like a boil, waiting for their day to erupt.

I was working on a Story, for a Friend, one Autumn, when the first of the memories began to show up. I was terrified, and repulsed by what my mind was forcing me to ‘see’. I thought for certain I was loosing my mind, as the images and feelings endured were so far off the scale of horrible, I cannot think of the word that adequately describes it!

I suffer from the dreams and the flashbacks that drag me kicking and screaming from my ‘safe’ place(s), only to relive the events time and time again. I have lost my career of the past 16 years, and am still reeling to this day, trying to find my place in the world, and keep both feet firmly planted on the ground. I know what it means when the word ‘Rape’ is used, and have come to understand that severe depression and PTSD are now a part of my real world.

I’ve become an expert at having a lack of self-confidence and esteem.

It is said that One needs to face their fears, to overcome them. That by doing so, One can finally begin to tread down the Path of Healing…

I have faced my fears, and feel like I’m sitting hunched-over in a corner, cowering there, peering through my interlaced fingers, wide-eyed and almost blathering like an idiot…

::Tipping the cup of coffee once again, only to find it is now empty. ‘Sighing’ deeply, kneading my hands and arms as they tremble, trying to regain some semblance of control…::

Borrowing the closing of a favored book,

“I need—more desperately than my children need me—a way of seeing in the dark. What way is this?… What dark is this?… I cannot call it ordained of God: I can’t get that far. I will however pay it so much homage. There is now, in my mouth, this sharp chain. And it never comes out.”

From ‘Equus’, by Peter Shaffer.

Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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#527 - 04/22/04 11:23 PM Re: Then, and Now.
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Hope. Hope is the light that WILL shine through the dark.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#528 - 04/23/04 02:19 PM Re: Then, and Now.
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Whicker,
Quote:
They say bad medicine is best taken quickly, all at once...How much can a person take, before they crack at the weak points, and crumble to dust?
This language we're using has some interesting quirks. "Bad medicine" can mean so many things, for instance.

I think the good medicine we need to recover from the kinds of hurts that sent each of us in search of MaleSurvivor.org" is a slow, painstakingly careful medicine. It's the change of life-long habits, hard won survival strategies unneeded in a safer, saner time.

When I push myself too hard, too fast, I learn too much about how much this one person can take. When I crack, I'm glad to have the support here that helps put me back together, patches me up for the next leg of the journey. Little by little I am learning to pace myself, to keep from turning my medicine bad by trying to take it too quickly.

I hope you're feeling better than you did when you posted. There are a lot of guys here who know what you're talking about. We have long roads, but the voyage is easier with companions.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#529 - 04/23/04 06:53 PM Re: Then, and Now.
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
Thank You, Mike, and Outis.

I'm feeling pretty terrible at the moment, but I know that feeling will lessen in time.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and wisdom.

Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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#530 - 04/23/04 07:15 PM Re: Then, and Now.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Whicker
you're right, the bad feelings will lesen in time. And for ONE reason - you will make the bad feelings less important.

Quote:
It is said that One needs to face their fears, to overcome them. That by doing so, One can finally begin to tread down the Path of Healing…
And it's clear to me that you're doing the work, you're facing those fears and not cowering behind them - it's the bad medicine thing. Recovery will have periods of time when despair sets in and we wonder "why bother ?" But the simple fact that we've started our recoveries is the reason "why"

We all find different things and methods that help us through, and I hope that you're writing about your past life and the way you're getting through the crap. You have a wonderful way with words, and I'm a firm believer that expressing ourselves is a powerful way out. Keep writing and letting it out.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#531 - 04/24/04 10:19 PM Re: Then, and Now.
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Whicker - it's a long hard road...believe that you can walk it because you have already walked so much of it! Sometimes uphill, sometimes down.

Take each day as it comes, but be proud & live it.

Best wishes ..Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#532 - 04/25/04 12:13 AM Re: Then, and Now.
Whicker Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
Thanks, Dave and Rick, for sharing your thoughts...

It is indeed proving to be a very long road...

But I am walking it, even if I stumble from time to time...

Whicker

_________________________
Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

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