Dear Just Me,
After reading your post my heart is heavy. It sounds as though you have been struggling hard to be strong and to "fix" yourself. Do you have any help or support? Are you seeing a therapist?
I certainly can identify with the "falling apart" feeling and I know from personal experience that inner panic and feeling out of control.
You mention that you are looking for the ligh. One of the things that has worked for me is to think of the little blue pilot light in a gas stove. I believe that each of us has a spiritual "pilot light" inside, and I envision this as the spiritual/God essence in each of us. When things are rough and burdensome and it appears as if our light is going out, one can get into a quiet, meditative state and look inside. By reconnecting with the spiritual essence inside, we realize that we are connected to every other person in the universe, and that we are not alone.
Praying to God is fine, as long as you don't go to the place of beliving that there is something "wrong" with you that you want God to fix. Rather, know that you are a pure, spiritual being who is here on the planet at this time and place in order to fulfill your soul's purpose.
Thank you for having the courage to write and know that there are a lot of us out there who struggle with similar feelings. Be gentle with yourself, keep coming back to this site, and know that together we'll make it.