I'm a lost soul looking for the light. My mind screams out in pain. Why is everything falling apart. I have felt forsakken for many many years and have never really tried to be found. My wife has a personal relationship with God. We prayed together the other night & since then I have felt some peace. I can't take these burdens with me anymore. I think the only way is through God. I have commited sins to other and myself. Have had a low self-esteem {cover up by showing strengh} all my life. Sometimes I hate myself. Thoughts of suside ran heavy early last week. I stopped all that but still feel dirty inside. I'm losing my life--wife, kids, job, health. Everthing is falling apart. I try and stop it but its like stopping a huge bolder from rolling down the mountain side. I can't. Only god can. I'm asking for his forgivness. I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt anyone else anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. this pain just doesn't stop. HELP

Dear Just Me,

After reading your post my heart is heavy. It sounds as though you have been struggling hard to be strong and to "fix" yourself. Do you have any help or support? Are you seeing a therapist?

I certainly can identify with the "falling apart" feeling and I know from personal experience that inner panic and feeling out of control.

You mention that you are looking for the ligh. One of the things that has worked for me is to think of the little blue pilot light in a gas stove. I believe that each of us has a spiritual "pilot light" inside, and I envision this as the spiritual/God essence in each of us. When things are rough and burdensome and it appears as if our light is going out, one can get into a quiet, meditative state and look inside. By reconnecting with the spiritual essence inside, we realize that we are connected to every other person in the universe, and that we are not alone.

Praying to God is fine, as long as you don't go to the place of beliving that there is something "wrong" with you that you want God to fix. Rather, know that you are a pure, spiritual being who is here on the planet at this time and place in order to fulfill your soul's purpose.

Thank you for having the courage to write and know that there are a lot of us out there who struggle with similar feelings. Be gentle with yourself, keep coming back to this site, and know that together we'll make it.

Dynamite Don

Just Me,

I just wanted to say that you are not alone. We have all been through our own private hell. We come to this site to talk about our feelings and to provide support for each other. You don't have to be alone! We are all here for you. You have friends here!!

God Bless,

Brian

Just Me,
I hope that you are able to keep it together by finding the help that you need! I do feel spiritualy like Dynamite Don. This god thing can be a shot in the dark. People here have a thing for getting jammed up jelly tight with this western god...do you feel anything like your wife is talking about coming from her god? Go down into the world of the skin walker in the south west usa...their god works all the time if you belieave 100% and take a lot of drugs. What Don was saying was to pick a god that you can step in and become part of...get help from everything in the world! Check out what is god in the eastern world then learn meditation...can't hurt to try can it?
If you have enough meds from a MD who works with your therapist...that you see every week and a therapist to see you and your wife at least once a month"to save your marriage"...she should see her own therapist weekly" to save her brains from your shit"....and both of you learn meditation./..you will most likely be well in 3 to 5 years...This is my therapist's great plan for married men with with past SA. I went through some therapists until he was found...he don't ask you to comform to his spiritual thinking...you have to ask for it yourself...I'm still fairly nuts but still alive and married with a 12 yo child...still working...and still trying to learn this meditation thing fully. If you aren't doing everything that you can right now...do it!!!!!!!!!

Eddie