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#52401 - 07/17/01 10:07 AM new meaning for love
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
my counsiler has asked me to give a new meaning to the word love,yes the thought of haveing the ability to change that made me all most brake down but i held my ground and tried to bring the posablity to light, it only caused me to sink farther, it was to overwelming, it scared the hell out of me, i felt like a child standing at the screen door to the world and very fritend of what was out side,i will have to wait to do that later....


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#52402 - 07/23/01 10:57 AM Re: new meaning for love
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
while speaking with my counsiler,i came up with this though when she said love,we know my meaning as it stands,love is sex, but the picture i saw was of me wraped in big thick chains, black, i could not move,just like float, i say that because i could not feel the floor beneath me, it was so dark i could not see if there were walls or ceiling, it did seem as if the black did stop some where not too far,i did not move , just seemed to float around,and all the while i was not in my body of chains, i could go back and forth but only seeing from the top, my head to feet that is the top of my head as if looking down to my feet,i was not in my body of chains,weird, i did not feel any thing, i think that this love controls.....thanks


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#52403 - 07/26/01 08:35 AM Re: new meaning for love
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
what is love anyway?

Why did we have to hurt?

Why, why, why?

How do we stop abuse?

by letting the secret out and talking

I get a cold picture of your new version of Love thunderbolt, but I kind of understand.
It is scary.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#52404 - 07/26/01 03:25 PM Re: new meaning for love
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Thank you Billy, that helps!

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#52405 - 07/27/01 12:07 PM Re: new meaning for love
Anonymous
Unregistered


What is love? We;re not the ones that would know. I bet that most of us were abused by people we thought loved us. So how do we know what love is? Someone abused us and hurt us emotionally and physically, and it was someone that we thought cared about us. No wonder we don't know how to love and don't know what love is. I bet that there's a bunch of guys that think that love has to do with sex, who think that they love someone because they have sex with them. I think that love is tht I want to treat someone better than my abuser treated me, and I want to protect her from any hurt. I want to be with her and I want her to be proud of me. I feel all of those things with my wife now. I know I hurt her but I';ll protect her if she'll let me now.


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#52406 - 07/30/01 12:49 AM Re: new meaning for love
jerunamuck Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/01
Posts: 22
Loc: Maine
Feeling safe enough to trust you enough to be vulnerable to you hurting me where I'm most sensative.

You nurturing that place I've let you in to.


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#52407 - 07/31/01 12:33 PM Re: new meaning for love
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
i cant,i dont know how to feel, i dont know what feelings are,well before my monster came to vist me, my mother had a vister too, she could not give us kids any of this trusting ,loveing ,nurturing stuff, then my childhood was distroyed and from the age of 8yrs on i have never found a safe enough place to trust be vulnerable or sensitive, i do try my best with my counsiler, i know you not these words aranged to rip at my core,my anger is usefull here, this love you are so sensitive ,trusting and vulnerable about sounds like a pillow to lie a wary head upon, i know love to be a bolder to smash my head beneath, if you can change this to save my life,,,please show me this senitivity that has been hurt so that i may have new memories of this love,,,,,im sorry


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#52408 - 08/03/01 01:57 AM Re: new meaning for love
jerunamuck Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/01
Posts: 22
Loc: Maine
Actually, I wish I knew myself. I only think this is what it would look like if I ever got to experience it.

When the shrinks asked my what my goals were i always stated them in the past tense. So long as I was moving away from where I had been I believed I was moving in the right direction. One challenged me to describe where I wanted to go. I spent a lot of time watching people I envied. What was it about "that couple" I envied.

Then a friend, another survivor going through a rough period of flashbacks, gave me a complement. The thanked me for listening to him rant, he said he felt safe with me. Well he's a slight and efeminent homosexual and I'm a pretty big guy with a prison record so I figured he meant safe like in protect him. He corrected me, he ment safe in like he just knew somehow that I would never deliberately do anything to betray his trust. Safe like in I would never discount, disbelieve, or disrespect him.

Well this was a completely foreign concept to me. Emotional Safety? What was it, where did it fit in the context of my past, what would it look like if I experienced it today? Afterall, it sounded like great stuff so I didn't want to miss out on it if it were going on all around me today.

That was about when the afore mentioned homework assignment was due so I wrote something like this in my journal. When I read this thread I remembered the journal, cleaned up my grammer a bit and shared it here.

I have yet to experience what this says but I think it's what is shared by that ideal couple I keep seeing.


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#52409 - 08/03/01 11:00 AM Re: new meaning for love
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
paridice experinced through the pep hole, on the wrong side of the fence.


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#52410 - 08/06/01 09:00 AM Re: new meaning for love
Anonymous
Unregistered


The post by jerunamuck got me thinking. He said love is when you let yourself be vulnerable with somebody. I wonder if that;s why so many of us have fucked up marriages, because we suddenly felt too vulnerable like we did with our abuser? You love your wife, and most of us were abused by family or good friends, people we loved and trusted, and then they do this to us. Now here you are, an adult, you love someone, but the abuse catches up with you. Do you suddenly feel so vulnerable with the person you love that you can;t be with her cuz it reminds you of ghe abuse? I wonder if that happened with me.


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