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#52381 - 07/08/03 12:32 AM blacken soul
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1207
Loc: Northern Ohio
Fucking damn blacken soul. A devil. A creature of damnation, walking among us. His hide is that of a man. It swoons a poor unknowing. Makes a family of it desire. For one purpose. To torture its chosen pray. To taunt the beraggered child. To throw it vile cures against one without defenses. To suck & drain the soul of innocence. It lived on the life, the fear, the terror, the pain, the hatred, the sorrow, the dread, the mocked and sodden heart. Woe is thy existence. Woe is mine. The poor child, brought into the world to be food for a beast. No other purpose, no self allowed. Just a gasping breath, a whimper. All for the delight of It. It gaze turns the child to stone. No fight. No flight, just frozen in horror as the creature descends to feast. Hell, hast no threat, for I have met the Devil & lived within His house..............Blacken

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#52382 - 07/08/03 04:19 AM Re: blacken soul
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
Right on, blacken - to say it is to exorcize it -

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#52383 - 07/08/03 07:12 AM Re: blacken soul
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Blacken
to 'say' those words must mean you're starting to throw them out of your life.

I look forward to the day we call you "Whiter", perhaps a shade of grey anytime soon ?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#52384 - 07/08/03 11:13 PM Re: blacken soul
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
blacken

Your words, like youself, are diamonds in the rough

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#52385 - 07/09/03 10:28 AM Re: blacken soul
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Blacken,

You have a way of saying a lot with just a few words. This and your post in survivor stories are both powerful pieces. I will be keeping a copy of your survivor stories post with me, maybe on my mirror for daily inspiration.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#52386 - 07/09/03 01:55 PM Re: blacken soul
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I sometimes think we all share one beast, in an undercurrent running through each of us.

In any case, my beast has been banging his cage lately, as well. You express its hunger and its food so well. It makes it easier for me to see mine.

Peace,
James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#52387 - 07/25/03 09:23 PM Re: blacken soul
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1207
Loc: Northern Ohio
I am not a dog. I am a person. Human. I dont BELONG to you. I have wroth. I am important. I should be loved, Cared for, Protected by You! Oh ya, u cared when it helped with your image of a "care father". Ya, you Loved me as your own personal sex toy. Sure, you protected your property from other perps. You fuck'en Sick bastard from the Devil's personal shit pile.
Do i still dislike you? no. Do I still harbor hatred for U? nope. To be more precise, I loath you to the farthest extent of my being. Death, your unjust excape. Your slow, humiliating death by cancer was far more gental than you deserved.
I STILL pay the price for your orgasms 25 years later!! I hate you. I hate You. I hate You. I hate You. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate You. I hate You. I hate You. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate You. I hate You. I hate You. I hate you. I hate you.I hate you. I hate You. I hate You. I hate You. I hate you. I hate you. I hate You. I HATE You times 10,000.

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#52388 - 07/25/03 10:15 PM Re: blacken soul
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
You are loved, you are important, you have more worth than all the riches of the earth.

Hate him, Loathe him, know if there is a hell he is in the deepest part.

Don't ever let him win again. You are loved, He can't take that away again.

Thanks for your words, my thoughts are the same although my perps are still walking the earth. I keep telling myself the things I said here.

May we all find peace and hope and happiness before our time is done.

Brent

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

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#52389 - 07/25/03 10:43 PM Re: blacken soul
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Blacken,

Your words have touched me deeply. I can only imagine how you were when you were under his control and again, when you just wrote these words of hating him.
Just the time that it took you, the strength to punch out each key--I HATE YOU--and the number of times that you printed it, you must have been there, reliving that painful past.
I wished that we could have been there for you, to have taken you from his grasp, brought you to someplace safe and given you the love and encouragement you needed and deserved. I am so sorry you had to suffer the pain and indignity, the sorrow and suffering of those horrible times.
I take your words and those of the other brothers with me each day to remind me of what we must do to stop such evil.
Please know that you bring to us the pain that we must never forget if we are to help those boys who need us.
I hope that you understand when I say that you give me courage to press on to those times when we will make a difference for those boys who have suffered, those boys who still suffer.

Peace, love and encouragement from one of your brothers in the struggle,

David.

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#52390 - 07/26/03 10:04 AM Re: blacken soul
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Blacken,

Raw. Real. Enraged. Reclamation.


pardon my venture into a mental imagery Blaken's last post triggered for me:

an open meadow in a dark forest. at night with stars bright. a junction of ley lines.

a tribal group of men standing in a circle with their arms linked at the elbows, forearms held up with fists clenched. at their feet sit their sons, their inner boys, holding hands tightly, leaning back gathering strength in safety.

at the four compass points, fires burn beyond the circle. we call upon the spirit fathers of the west, north, east and south.

in the center, our trauma's whirl, a cloudy mass of primal fear; taunting us, daring us to look within. our sons cry out and want to hide. we hold the circle and give them strength. now, they sit still holding hands, but now they have their shields brought and placed - the women made, the women leave for this is a time of masculine power.

we stand together and it begins. our spirits join, a call is made, an openness to higher awareness. throughout the circle emotions flow, the circle shakes: the rage, the sorrow, the fears supreme. long into the night the battle is done, time and time again the trauma's invade.


--------------
i'm done with this for now. if anyone else cares to finish this, feel free to add whatever fits for you.

jer


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#52391 - 07/26/03 02:38 PM Re: blacken soul
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Each time we drive them back, denying them the strength we have. Each time they grow weaker, for we are united and they can never be. They have no substance, only shades of the past, memories of pain endured.

They cannot die yet they will not rule. Before our shared determination they wither to the wraiths they are, slinking to their proper places in the past at our command.

Sunlight breaks over the mountain in the east. A new day is born.

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#52392 - 07/26/03 03:49 PM Re: blacken soul
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
This has been a very remarkable post started by Blacken. The depth of the pain and anger is palpable ( big word for me).

The beast can never be allowed to win and truly deserves all the hate and fury we can muster. And one day when the beast is toothless and blind and merely a shadow of itself we will no longer feel the pull. Knowing that it can never be in the sunshine like ourselves will mean that WE IN FACT HAVE OVERCOME ITS HORROR.

May all our beasts rot blind toothless and cold to the light of day.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#52393 - 07/26/03 05:16 PM Re: blacken soul
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Quote:
Sunlight breaks over the mountain in the east. A new day is born.
The boys run off to play and grow their dreams.

The men bury the ashes and make the clearing larger. More will come this night. All will fit.

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#52394 - 07/26/03 08:26 PM Re: blacken soul
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Oh Blacken,
how I envy the anger you express, it's something I can't find and I believe I need to do it.

Carry on my friend, curse and carry on all you want, let it out, share it with us all.

Hate the bastards all you need !

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#52395 - 07/27/03 11:20 AM Re: blacken soul
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1207
Loc: Northern Ohio
CAUTION ~ TRIGGER ~ Caution

What exactly was going on here?! I want to know. I want to understand your thinking at the time you decided it would be fun to hold me down & lick my ass!!!!

Telling me you had "desires", "Sexual needs" doesn’t cut it. So do I, But I am NOT out here Raping boys, Or ANY one else!

I woke up this morning to that memory. The sheet got wrapped around me & triggered this recollection. Being wrapped like a Burrito in my sheet. Tightly. The slurping sounds. The mumbling in Italian. The muffled laughter. Wetness. Sticky.

All this reflecting gives me insight into all this. These are NOT the memories I should have of my Dad! Why did you do it?! What was seemingly so addictive that you could Not (or Worse) Did Not want to stop. You must have known this was wrong...You didn't care about what society says is Right or Wrong. You had been a rebel all your life, doing many things to survive, to get what you needed & wanted. I guess it was not such a far leap of behavior for you. You must not have seen it as anything different than what you had been doing all the time.

I was just one more thing to serve your desires at the time. Why did You molest me...Perhaps Because you could, and you didn’t see it as something actually bad. You had been making up the rules for yourself for a very long time.

But still, why have "sex" with your son? I guess it wasn't sex to you. It was just something, fun? Or did you enjoy the ability to part-take in a taboo activity?

You used my fear of you, my ignorance of all this, to what? Did you realize I would grow up? It didn't matter. For you it seemed a million years away. "Now" was what mattered.

"Now" matters to me too. Yet, I need to understand what your thinking was "then". So I will feel safe in the future & be at peace with my past...

Thanks Dad, Sincerely, Your Blacken Son...

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#52396 - 07/27/03 02:01 PM Re: blacken soul
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Blacken, I am saddened that you had to endure this awful violation. I am sorry your father, did not be a father to you.
Boys need a father to help them know how to be a man. My Dad never abused me. He just neglected me most of the time.

Do you think they will ever understand the "why" of their actions? You say it so well: we all have desires and even needs. But that does not give us the right to violate someone else to take care of it.

I can't understand how anyone can harm a child in anyway. It is unnatural. Our nature makes adults want to care for kids, help them grow well, and enjoy being alive. It is really hard to enjoy life, when our only purpose for some other person is to provide a butt to pleasure him. We really need to let it go, as best we can, and make something good out of the time left to us. That is the reason I am here today, and it has helped a lot, but there seems to be such a loooong trail ahead to living always in the light. I just need to keep the hope alive that it is possible.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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