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#52292 - 12/31/03 12:05 PM sick (may trigger)
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
So dam sick of being sick. I don't know what it is about being sick, it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, like it is something shameful, to be guilty of. Always, when I was little kid, I would get sick a lot, still I do, don't have good lungs, so get colds and bronchitis and pneumonia a lot. And when I would get sick when I was little, my father would be so angry, I was always not worth anything, but then would be so much worse, because then I cost him money, I guess, don't real know. So I get more scared when sick, panic more, feel need to hurt at myself more. Was total crazy one night, could not find anyone to talk with, trying to call so many people, and just finally give up, cut myself some, but not so bad as before would be. I just hate it makes me go back, and not be strong at all. Feel weak, feel I am failing, feel my father with me, punishing me, hate it.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#52293 - 12/31/03 01:19 PM Re: sick (may trigger)
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Hey Leosha,

Given your experiences with your father and how he made you feel when you were sick its no wonder being sick is a trigger for painful feelings now.

Though it doesn't seem like it, sick is just being sick. It doesn't mean that you are bad or worthless or anything like that. It is a condition of the body, not the mind.

Remembering that may help you begin feeling better emotionally while you're sick and also help you feel freer to take really good care of your body while it is not feeling well so it can get well.

Then, each in its own time, both mind and body can heal.

(That all seems simple when I see it written down but I have a hard time implementing it for myself. Whenever I am sick, I am reminded of my mother and part of me wants to be punished and feel worse, another part wants to run and hide, but the biggest part just wants it to be over, over, over.)

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#52294 - 12/31/03 01:25 PM Re: sick (may trigger)
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

Getting sick just happens to people. We're biological organisms. We get sick.

Your father was wrong, just plain wrong. A child needs care and concern, nurturing and safety from a parent. Even more when they are sick.

Despite that you became the great person that you are. Look around you at the people who care about you. They're good people, and they know a good person when they see you.

You are strong and getting stronger. Look back at 2003 and see how far you have come in healing. Just as you say above
Quote:
but not so bad as before would be
Progress can be slow and sometimes we slip and fall back a little. It's important to continue on, continue doing our best after such a slip. The slips get fewer and fewer, the falls less and less damaging, and our best gets better and better.

Thanks for all you have shown me this year.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#52295 - 12/31/03 05:22 PM Re: sick (may trigger)
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
You are far from weak Leo my friend, you are one of the strongest people I have had the honor to know, you have shown me so much, the power we all hold, the strength inside, the power of forgiveness. Being sick is natural, sadly, I know how scared you get during it, but remember you are safe, you are strong you have the power. Whenever you have the need to talk, let me know if you are online, I will be there for you my freind, tkake care and feel better.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#52296 - 12/31/03 10:22 PM Re: sick (may trigger)
bountiful1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 52
Loc: New York, New York, USA
Hi Leosh!

Man oh man. Your Father was so wrong in the way he acted towards you. People get sick. Everyone gets sick. When children get sick - their parents need to care for them, and comfort them, and teach them that they are cared for. That is what parents need to de for a child. There is no acceptable reason for your Father to get angry at you for being sick. He acted wrong!

You are a strong strong man. I know that about you - from what I know about how you are with others (students) Treat yourself the same Leosha! You should get lotsa care from yourself when you are sick. The man who should have taught you how to respect and take care of yourself when you were - and now are - sick failed at his responsibility. I know those horrible feeling myself. I have to work like a dog to get myself to care for myself. But I just tell myself - if I read about this kid being treated like that in a book or saw it in a movie - I would be so angry and want to care for him and wish for him to care for himself - and then I transfer it to doing it for me!!!

You are a great guy Leosha. It is wrong to get mad at a child for getting sick.

_________________________
I do not know what signature means in 300 words. I am guessing some thoughts?

Great book that captures the truth of PTSD: The Sentimentalists by Skibsrud

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#52297 - 12/31/03 11:27 PM Re: sick (may trigger)
unknownsoldier Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/03
Posts: 105
Loc: Northwest
Leosha,

Slipping back into old habits just shows you how much you have grown out of them as you heal. You are doing an amazing job in your journey. Keep it up. Listen to what the other guys said.

Jim


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