Hi Marc

"People who know me don't know me. They see the persona that I put out there so they won't see the scared little boy. It's like being schizophrenic".

Yep dont I know it and I have spent nearly five years in different nut houses as I like to call them. Sounds you do like I do, reduce everything to labels as they are easier to describe than those things called "Feelings". Im quite sure that our emotions end up so deep within (and hidden) that they sometimes feel like they dont exist. I used to get so pissed off with therapist who would constantly ask me "How I felt" Id reply with "I dont £$*"&%) know"

Like you I am still a scared little boy on occasions as I havnt the tools yet, tools that only maturity and experience can supply. My growing stopped when I drank alcoholically for thirty odd years becuase I just could not cope with life and memories sober. I would much rather push those away into a alcohol fuelled fog.

And on occasions I still feel a bit off the wall. I no longer have the ability to drink as it makes me very ill and extremely violent....In my case the booze is best left alone.

Hang in there Marc... your doing fine...your talking

Regards

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

Marc,

I undestand, namely because I'm completely fractured. No one knows how close to the edge I can be at ny given moment. I can be the great pillar of support one second and absolutely out of my mind the next. And that's not counting the 11-year-old me who repressed himself until recently and is a completely seperate person inside me.

I'm not making light, just making a point. Because of what happened to you, your mind, wonderful, cursed thing that it is, took some unusual steps to protect itself. It compartmentalized your abuse and your emotions connected to it and allowed you to keep normal while you're losing your mind at the same time. It's a great defense mechanism. The only problem is that it fractures after a while until the different things you've kept down and separated start coming together.

It will pass, Marc. In time, believe me, once you start therapy and keep getting it out, they won't fight to get out as much. in fact, they'll fight to reintegrate. You'll become whole again. The frustrating thing is the time it will take.

You need anything, brother, I'm here. Just be warned that I may be posting my own frustrations and I DON'T WANT YOU READING THEM UNLESS YOU'RE GROUNDED! They're gonna be pretty intense. Today's not a frigging good day.

Peace and love,

Scot

I live in two distinct universes, one on the inside, one on the outside. Popping back and forth all the time. Neither one is entirely safe. Inside is all the stuff bottled up and held deep in my bones for years, the heartache, the broken boy. Outside is the helpful word, the nice smile, the agreeable nature, the easy-to-get along with. I'm sure there are some who would tell me that one is more True than the other and others who would say both are True. Truth is for me I'm crazy most of the time which means I don't know nothin' for sure.

Marc - I've not been dealing with this stuff properly for that long.

Each gain we make seems to throw up another question....sometimes it's from the boy, sometimes the adult - if that's schizo, then I think we are a pretty big club!

One of the postings that I read here once (sorry can't remember who made it)had the comment that they had looked at photographs of themselves both before & after abuse had occurred. In the photographs after abuse they could see a frightened kid - no matter what age the photographs were taken at.

I've recently looked at some photographs of myself in non threatening situations with good friends - taken just before I hit the pits of despair in December of last year (actually they were near my birthday in late June). In one particular photograph, my stance is more like 8 year old me (abused at 12)...I didn't realise that I appeared so regressed.. I can see it now!

I was 12 when abused - now 46.... I can switch between the 2, but seem to find some balance now....guess that makes me about 29!

Today at work, things started off great & I was probably about a 29 year old until just before the shift ended....got bollocked for nothing ( after achieving a lot - wasn't a graph on a display board, so it didn't count) - I then felt about 12 again.

If it helps, I told a few people that I suspected were good friends about being abused...spared them the details, but they have supported me. They don't all deal with it in the same way - I took the risk in telling them & it paid off. I can't say that will work for everyone, but if you feel that you are splitting in two, perhaps there is someone that you can trust. If not - we will help all we can here.

I kept up the front for 32 years before showing marginal cracks (told 3 friends whilst I was very drunk...wanted to...didn't intend too...just did - first positive response). 2 years later & I completely lost it...then dealt with it properly. Now I put myself in the 90%+ bracket of being OK (compared to previous version of me...less than 10%).

Marc - sorry but I've rambled again. What I'm trying to say is that many of us put on fronts, but one day you will realise that you're not putting on a front & that you actually do feel good.

Schizo - no I think you are a person that is starting to identify with yourself (current version & previous version).

It's not easy, but it is rewarding...best wishes ...Rik

*It's always been said that if you think you are mad, you are not.

Marc, you probably have noticed that most all of us here are wounded men, but not ruined men. Some of us are terribly bright and then there are those of us who are very normal. Most all of us struggle, and in several ways, often at the same time.

We come here and lay out the worries and fears and pain we are in at the moment. Then, a brother or two who has had the same experience can respond and affirm that you are not alone. We do not have answers for another person, we just say what worked and did not work for us.

So, we all can be very supportive of another survivor, then shortly after have something happen in our lives that brings us back to the board as a minor, (or major) basket case.

Some of us have been working in therapy for many years, some for a few weeks and some not at all. What unites us is that we were sexually abused by some person who had power over us at the time. For some of us, that happened when we were a child or a teen. For others of us, we were sa"ed as an adult.

I guess what I would say is, just come here as one of us. You will notice we won't get turned off. Sometimes a person might challenge you, but they do it usually because they see you going down a road they went down and found it to be a disaster for them. We give and receive support here. That is what makes the place a good place for a male survivor to be.

Bob

Marc, quite often, I don't feel like I fit in here. Most people here have been dealing with all of this stuff for years. Yes, I can relate to some of it very well, my parents didn't give us some TV picture perfect family, but as for the SA, mine didn't occur that long ago. It was a dillusional female psycho that wanted to take out her ex husbands abuse on someone and picked me to do it to. Most of you guys have been tortured your entire lives with this. I've only known it for a short time in comparison. I guess I feel like I don't belong because I've lived a life that most of you have never had a chance to, prior to what happened to me.

Anyway, the point is, everybody makes me feel like I belong here, and from reading the posts and responding, I think that they know that I do. I know that I belong here because I can't read a post without having it relate directly to something involved with my SA or my childhood. Especially the ones about the thoughts and feelings involving the SA.

We are all here for you, and are happy to do what we can to help you.

Marc,
Your timing with this post is eerie. Just today, my T and I were discussing how I am like 2 seperate people. I know exactly what you telling us. I have my 'mask self' for the world, and then I have the injured me who is scared of the world and in pain. We were discussing ways I can prevent becoming the masked me. I think the main way to prevent it is to recognize what causes me to bring out masked me, and analyze it and see what I can do to keep the mask off. I do not know if it will work or not, but I just thought I would share it with you. Maybe you can see some use for it.
Casey

You hit the nail right on the head, Marc. I was really confused because one minute I'll be good the next, I'll be emotional. Glad its just not me. It is pissing me off though, wish I could just feel the damn feelings and work with them get this over with, but it doesn't work that way.

Jason

Marc,I think most of us try to put our best foot foward.But for SAS maybe we feel that its all an act because (they)dont know the big secret.Knowing that you are dealing with the SA and that you are not transparent to others will keep you honest about yourself.It took me a while but acting was just being dishonest with myself.I got a long way to go,but you will give an oscar to the actor you were and get on with the person you are.////////survive man survive/////faceinthedeal

So_Cal Marc,

First, I wanted to welcome you here. I see that you have been here for a short while now, but as I have been 'away' from this place, I have not yet said hello. I am glad that you found this place here, and I can relate to some what you feel, being like two different people.

I AM two different people. Actually more. I lose myself, and 'become' another. Looking back at it, and talking with my mom, she says it makes sense that we know this now, it explains many things from when I was smaller. I don't know the definition of 'schizo'. But I think part of what you are relating, it is normal thing. We all have different faces in different situations. We maybe have different personality style at work, rather then at home with family, and still are different with friends. It is not like we are crazy, or are liars. But different situations require different personality, more formal, less formal, whatever.

I don't think that anyone here think you strange, or odd, or 'wrong' in any way to be different in your posts here. I can come here and answer 20, 25 posts (as is my normal, I only come here maybe 2 times a week, and stay for several hours each time), and do my best to be positive and supportive with other people. But then I will post something of MYSELF, how I feel, and it is down, or negative, or confused. Both are honest. Both are 'me'. They are just different situations. If I feel I can not even be positive or helpful in responding to people, I just do not come at all, like recently.

Please try to be easy with yourself, and know that there is support and understanding here, no matter how you may be feeling of yourself. And do not let how you are feeling of yourself disalow others to be kind to you. Normally, we will be worse with ourselves then others are with us. I look forward to reading more from you.

Leosha