Hauser.
You blew up the reservoir dam and all that crap came rushing out. You are still alive. No Frankenstein mobs came banging at your door. Your self-hatred is your creation. I was there and still am on occasion. My history of self-loathing was long - I am useless, sack of shit, no, I don't need your help so get out of my face. I was called a perv long before I knew what they did. Being Catholic just added to the crap. Funny thing, the nuns never taught us that God is usually a loving God etc. As altar boys we rattled off the Latin: ad Deum qui laetificat juventutem meam - I will go unto the altar of God who give joy to my youth. What happened? Where was the joy when I was molested? I don't know.
The god of my youth is not the god of me today.

For a long time I felt like that guy Sisyphus pushing that big rock up to the top, then rolling back down and doing it over and over.

How did I break the cycle? I had to find out why I was unhappy with me. I hated being like me, couldn't look in the mirror sober or drunk because I didn't like what I saw. Refused to believe others who said I was not a troll, I was ok. And I held onto the shit for a long time. Things got good I sabotaged myself. Used to feeling shitty, no self esteem, let me hide under my bed again. This cycle went on for a long time and I got tired of being this way and it took a suicide attempt, hauled off to the ER where I was tied down, admitted to the dual diagnosis and put in locked ward again and hopefully the last time. I stopped isolating. If I didn't I would die. Period. I got out of myself and opened up to new people in AA and elsewhere. I still have trust issues, have only recently began to deal with my abuse but still get weirded out. When I'm in a supermarket and see a cute kid with its mother, I feel guilty by looking at the child. I am paranoid what the parent will think so I turn away.
What am I? Who am I? Or am I always discovering myself? Should I limit me by saying: I am this or that. Or just say "who knows?" When I find out I'll send out a press release. I made a conscious choice to let a few into my life. It took a while to really trust, but I am so thankful I did. This is the god of my youth letting me trust a few. It does bring me joy and pain because one of my friends can be a real pain in the ass, if I let him. He has issues I don't have and once I began to understand the nature of his ills, it became easiere for me. I also have to tell myself: I am not the center of the world; I am a hero only in my head; it is not about me. Being narcissistic (What about my needs?!!) gets me off track. A nasty cycle, but also human nature to a point. We make mistakes, we learn to correct them, or find out how.
I see a T - I seem to think I am there to amuse her - I write homework - typed page daily of emotions, events, good and bad - there is a 6 inch pile in my folder. I like to write, obviously, and love to throw in a bomb or two to get a reaction. I am dyslexic, so when I speak the words can be confusing to others - I reverse thoughts when speaking - so when I type, I see what I say, I have control finally of my ideas.
I saw the term 'ideate' the other day and I choked. What in hell does that mean? Must be a new 'in' term used in mental health circles. No more "I think" - some of these jerks can spoil a good wet dream with their 'ideations.' Someday I will discuss oral masturbation (non sexual act).
So, to end this example of a non simple declarative sentence, you have begun the journey. There will be distractions, bring along your compass so you get can back on the road to discovery. Some day will will find out, but what's the rush?

froggy12

Froggy, I have read your entire post, so please don't think by quoting only the last lines that I am dismissing it, but these lines are beautiful. They really do say it all.

Thank you everyone. Brave? Courage?

How about desperate?

Froggy, the rush is that I'm 37 and I for the first time in my life would like to have a family of my own but I can't even find a partner, not to mention a career that could allow me to afford one. I'm afraid I may have missed that boat. It's one of the heaviest prices of this CSA that I'm paying.

I've recently been hanging out with a good friend that has 3 really cool kids (I've never spent time with kids before, ever) and they love having me around and it's made me wish for something I never thought I would ever want before.

Hauser,
Wow. You have done an amazing thing. you say desperate, ok, if that's what drove you to your bravery and honesty, call it that. But realize that all along you have made good, safe decisions. You are strong.
Paul

Hauser, I rode steerage on Noah's Ark.

When I found out that I am dyslexic (at 45) I went back to school and got a degree in history, cum laude (Whoopeee). A few professors said I was an anomaly, another said I was walking history. Nicer than loser, asshole etc. Just more names. I proved to myself I am not dumb but I still had a load of unwanted baggage to toss. Sometimes I think I believe in the tooth fairy, but better that than nothing. Fear kept me down and still does if I let it. But I am a feisty son of a bitch so I keep going on, just for the hell of it.
Friends give validation and we do need it. Friends accept each other for what they are, the total package, foibles and all. Go for it buddy, all you have to lose is your fear.

Another froggy12 moment.

Hauser,

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. I, too, am humbled by your courage to speak the unspeakable.

If the truth were to be known I would suspect there are many of us who have, at one time or another, experienced thoughts or even arousal that could be considered pre-perpetrator behavior. There is a huge difference however between thought and action. One of the differences between immaturity and manhood is that men act with courage. As a man you have steadfastly avoided hurting children. That is an act of courage and integrity, not one of hatred and shame.

Speaking these things is the first step toward diminishing their power in your life. It's gonna take determination and commitment to the path of recovery, but if anyone can do it you certainly can. You've done so much already. You see your life as a failure because of this issue. The rest of us see your life as one of determination and growth. You'll make it through this also simply because of the man you are.

I'd like to end this with a quote from a former member here. You're a good man, Hauser. I admire you for your integrity and courage.

((((((((((Hauser))))))))))

Lots of love,

John

[edited to add post>

Just wanted to say you're brave for sharing this, Hauser. I wish I had your guts.

andy

Hi -

A lot of your post 7th grade experiences are quite familiar to me as you describe them. I was fortunate enough to figure out in my mid-20's that the reason I was having sexual thoughts about younger boys was the simple fact that my experiences at that age left me unsatisfied. As you describe the times that you were sexually aroused but there was no satisfaction or reciprocation to you. It sort of leaves a mental hole that you keep trying to fill?

What I see is you having plenty of opportunities later in life to try and fill that hole but you were also coherent enough to realize that it wasn't the right thing to do. As long as you can realize the reasons for your reactions then you're able to control your actions

And btw.. I must agree with the others here when they tell you you're not such a bad person as you think you are.

Brad

i have been living with these issues my whole life...hatting my self all the time..thinking i am such a pervert...almost offened in my 20s...but didnt...and proud to say never have or will..trying to figure out what is wrong with me..so isolated all by myself...thanks hauser for this topic...and everyone else for the responses....took me quite a while to respond.. for fear when people know my secret..they will hate me and push me away...i am not worthy......

Wow...I mean....Wow..really Wow. More should speak up. That is what has helped me. I felt like crap for so long. I am learning to forgive myself and to love myself. Its a long journey, but through God anything is possible. God loves you and God loves me. God loves sinners. " Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone."

Love,

Guy