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#51978 - 12/08/06 08:55 PM Me
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I'm running out of ideas. I've kept some things to myself even with you guys but I'm trying one last attempt to help myself with any kind of support or therapy. If telling the absolute worst truths about my life, with my T and my only support group, does not work, then I'm not going to try anymore. I'm tired of nothing working! I bring this up for 2 main reasons:

1. I'm hoping, that by exposing this as the truth, that I will minimize it's power over me.

2. That others that come here trying to address the same issues will know that they're not alone.

So here I go................................

Demons are Real

I was sexually molested when I was 9 years old in the summer of 78’ between 3rd and 4th grade by my older brother’s “friend”. This story can be read here:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=006326


I have since come to realize that although the first time I was violated was a big deal, the one that happened later was a much more profound thing to have happened to me. (I was molested 2 different times, two different places, two different perps, and I was 9 and 11 respectively). My first perp was 25 at the time and my 2ond perp was 3 years older than me.

When I was 11, I was at my “friend’s” house, we were practicing throwing knives at a dart board in his basement and one of them bounced off and hit me but didn’t cut me. Dave suggested that I take my shirt off to see if I was hurt. I told him I was fine and I resumed throwing more knives and then after some minutes later Dave pushed me on his bed and I started giggling “what are you doing?” And he just had this blank look on his face then when I started to get up he pushed me down again and when I looked up at him had had his pants down and his penis sticking out like he was going to so something with it. I was like “I’m outa here” and I started to move but he, being much bigger and older, twisted my body around and pulled my pants down and started to try to penetrate me. I was like “great, not again” and all of a sudden I started, for the very first time in my life, having sexual arousal. I froze. I did not try to stop him. He noticed this as well, for he reached around feeling me and saying “See you like it”. His voice was all excited and pumped with adrenaline and excitement I suppose. I froze. I not only didn’t try to stop him I had a curiosity too I guess, although I didn’t like not being in control at all I guess. I was going to let him enter me but he got frustrated trying to do it and finished himself off as I got up and dressed myself. To this day, I CAN’T remember what happened for the rest of that day or even that time period, the summer between 5th and 6th grade.

As 6th grade had come around my grades starting going downhill and I was totally sexually confused. All of the boys were talking about girls and I was looking at boys. To this day I have NO idea if, were I to have been left alone and had a chance to grow up “normal”, I would not have any sexual identity issues. At this point I had not even learned how to masturbate yet.

When the following summer rolled around, I was becoming more sexually curious. A childhood friend named Jack would come around once in a while with his younger brother named Gordon who was 6 years old. Jack was 10, 2 years younger than me. We would play in our underground forts that we had built in a vacant lot behind my Dad’s house and I had talked Jack and his brother into exposing themselves in front of me. Jesus I asked Jack to “do something” to his younger brother, and Jack was like “ok” and then Gordon didn’t want to and Jack started pulling his younger brother’s clothes off and (I will never ever forget this look) then Gordon looked at me like “What is happening?” “Please make him stop”. I instantly said “Hey don’t make him do what he doesn’t want to do”. Jack stopped. And I pray that I didn’t fuck up their natural upbringing by what I started. I instigated that whole thing and I feel like shit for it. I was older and I had learned to manipulate.

When I started 7th grade. I remember sitting in the movie theatre with my Dad watching "Taps", a movie about a military school being closed down. Anyway, in the movie there is a shower scene. I remember for the first time being turned on by something visual. In 7th grade......Jesus. Well my main point is that it wasn't Sean Penn or the older guys I was looking at, it was the younger ones..........yes that's what I said. I remember sitting in that theatre with all these issues and choosing not to talk about it. Maybe, if the very first time that I had tried to talk about what happened to me to my brother and my “friend” Dave, that they didn’t LAUGH and MAKE FUN OF ME for having brought it up, that I might have had the courage to go to my Dad and tell him that I was having problems. But I chose the path of silence after being laughed at. That silence has led me to where I’m at today.

In the winter of 81’ – 82’, Jack and Gordon and his family moved away, and I made a new friend. His name was Greg, we were both in 7th grade. We were just friends. I would visit him at his house after school sometimes. He had a younger brother named Jeff that we would often come around our part of the house just because he had not made any friends yet since their family was new to the area. For whatever reason I started wrestling with Jeff and I started feeling curious/aroused and started feeling him and he IMMEDIATELY said “Don’t”. I froze. I mean, I acted like it was an “accident” or whatever but inside I was like, “What the fuck am I doing?” I mean, I wanted to do it but I also felt like it was very wrong. I was beginning to hate myself.

Dreams:

About this time the dreams started. I don’t have them all the time but they happen often enough. I’ve shared this fact with my T and a couple of trusted friends at MS, they say they’re nightmares and I just don’t know it. My problem with calling my dreams nightmares is that, well, in my dreams, I’m in control and I’m never afraid. All of the stories you may have heard of someone forcing himself on a younger/defensless person, well I’ve done it in my dreams. I don’t ask for them, but yes I do get off sexually when I do. The first wet dream I ever had was of having sex with a younger boy. These dreams have been with me since I was like 13.

Life continues:

Many different times I “looked” for someone else that I found attractive in high school, but it was not to be. I’m as alone now as when I was a boy looking for the attentions of an older male.

As 8th grade came around I was the only “gay” person in school, although not openly. I never once hooked up with anyone in High School or had a healthy intimate relationship with anyone. I dated a few times. I love the touch and smell and feel of a woman, but they don’t do anything for me visually.

As 11th grade rolled around, I started hanging out with the stoners, some of which I was extremely attracted to. But none of them were gay so I just hung out with them and didn’t try anything, although I REALLY wanted to. Once of them was named Chris. I would used any excuse to hang out with him. He was a passionate hunter, and so I picked up on hunting too. One day, Chris became another statistic when I accidentally discharged 20-gage birdshot towards him, grazing his head. He suffered a loss of a patch of hair and minor paralysis in his lower left leg. If I did not have ulterior motives for being his “friend”, he never would have been hurt. I started to believe that I was a bad person.

When I turned 20 I was working dead-end pizza jobs. I would frequent an arcade to play pinball with one of my stoner friends or by myself. At this arcade I met a 15yo named Dennis. I was attracted to him. He lived with his grandparents who doubled as his foster parents because his parents were killed in an airplane some years back. He was lonely and vulnerable. I did have a lot in common with him except for one important difference, namely, I was thinking about trying something with him. I remember one day making a choice, and it was the right one but I still don’t feel good about it, there is nothing to feel good about anything in my life, but I digress. I simply stopped coming over. Cold. I could not see him anymore. The temptation was too great and I just wasn’t gonna go there. At this point I’m really feeling like shit about myself and my sexual “proclivities”. I remember Dennis coming into the arcade some days later after I stopped coming over and asking “what’s up?” “Why don’t you stop over anymore?” I replied “Oh I’ve been really busy and stuff”. I blew him off on the outside, but inside I was afraid of myself and what I might try to do.

About this same time I dated the only girl in my life that lasted more than a month. Her name was Kelly. She was the very first person that I disclosed to about my past, and it wasn’t easy, but she wanted to know why I was so distant from her, even though I was always “there”. She had a Major in Psychology and stressed that it was important that I see Therapist to resolve many of my issues. I didn’t believe her. I’m now guessing that maybe she was right. One night, when she and I were on a little vacation and staying in a hotel room for the night, we discussed the abuse some more. In our discussions, she expressed anger at the persons that violated me when I was younger and asked me why I didn’t do the same. I remember responding in so many words like “Well I know why he did it, I know what drove him”. She froze. Then she stared at me sternly and said, “Are you saying that you’re looking at boys”? Then I IMMEDIATELY got scared, didn’t trust her, and said no. I just tried to live my life and hope for the best. I just now remember that whenever Kelly and I had sex that I would fanaticize about being with someone that I had dreams about instead, talk about disassociation, geez.

When I turned 28, a neighborhood boy started coming around to talk to me when I was walking my dog or outside cleaning my car etc. His name was Travis, he was 11 I think. He came from a terrible home, drug abusing parents on disability and public assistance and he was lonely and looking for a friend. I let him join me for my walks and I would talk to him a lot. I felt sorry for him and really liked him too. He was a troubled kid though and I would try to counsel him on how to handle his older brother picking on him etc. My dog liked him to, he would play with a ball or frisbee with him while we talked on the bike path alot. I hate to say it, but thoughts started to come into play again and I had to make another choice. God!!!! I hade to choose NOT to do it. I was ACTUALLY THINKING about it. God!!!
The next time he stopped over while I was in the yard I brushed him off and pretended that he was annoying me, I strongly hinted that I didn't want him around anymore. He didn't understand why I was all of a sudden being rude to him. I had to do it. He had to be away from me.

I have recently befriended a guy that has three young kids and I’ve watched them for some periods of time that any perp would have taken advantage of. But I, once again, made the right decision not to do it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I making choices like this in the first place? It’s TAINTED everything. Unnhhhhggg I don’t like to say this but when his kids are climbing/playing all over me I get hard, not aroused, I’m not thinking like that with them, well sort of, shit, see what I mean? They never fucking LEAVE!!!! Would I be like this if I were “normal”? NO!!!

Hating the past and present:

I have recently come across my High School year book, it’s the only one I have, I took a good look at it one last time, then I threw it into a huge garbage compactor. I hate my past and my present. Every picture I look at reminds me of the past, and how I have so far failed to change my future.

I have had other incidences but these stand out the most in my mind. The thoughts never go away and they’ve been with me ever since I was 11 or 12. This is why I hate me. This is why I’ve never succeeded in anything in my life. I’m too busy hating who I am.

How many times do I have to prove to myself that I’m not evil or bad? How many times is enough? How can I ever feel good about who I am if I have to deal with these kinds of attractions?

I now wish that I was violently attacked and raped when I was little, instead of being manipulated and groomed. It led me to believe, for too long, that I am something I am NOT.


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#51979 - 12/08/06 09:04 PM Re: Me
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
hauser i dont have any easy answers ,but this is the bravest thing i have seen posted here ,this is a terrible aftereffect of abuse and it should be talked about openly ,i know others here will support you in your request for help ,its what ms is all about right? help for our problems no matter what they are .it took guts to make this post. any affect of abuse is something that concerns all of us . talking about it is the first step to fixing it . your courage is really something i admire adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#51980 - 12/08/06 09:09 PM Re: Me
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
one thing jumps out at me, as an adult, you have done the right thing. we cannot always control what thoughts bounce through our head. i know i havent always been driven snow there myself. give yourself credit that you havent hurt anyone since you've grown enough to know. that is a good thing. thinking and doing are two completely different things.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#51981 - 12/08/06 09:13 PM Re: Me
batcountry Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/06
Posts: 263
Loc: the ether
hauser i cant sya much right now but i want you to know i did read it. and i dont think any different of you than i ever did, not that i know you that well, but you are still the same to me

_________________________
nothing to see here

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#51982 - 12/08/06 09:13 PM Re: Me
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Hauser. I am humbled by this act of bravery. Words fail me. I have never seen such an act of courage.


Edit:
I just wanted to add this. I think it's fitting, given today's date:

“The youth have hope because it's their future they're hopeful about and if they're depressed about their own future, well, then we are in a bad state. And we keep hope alive by keeping it alive amongst ourselves.”

-John Lennon

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#51983 - 12/08/06 10:17 PM Re: Me
Steven Heath Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/06
Posts: 81
Loc: New York City
Hauser,
I echo much of what has been written by the others. Especially the word bravery keeps reverberating in my mind. I am certainly not a therapist or an expert on what possibility may exist for you to "act out" in a way that is not appropriate. The only Hauser I know is self aware and amazingly, brutally honest. And I respect you even more than ever for actually writing in a public forum about demons. Demons, to me, start losing their power when they are exposed. I hope for you that this begins another path of healing. Healing has many strands to it. And you, my friend, I feel have started down a really important road. Thanks, as always, for your bravery and honesty. I wish I was as brave as you.

Steve


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#51984 - 12/08/06 10:32 PM Re: Me
onefastbike Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/04
Posts: 84
Loc: Toronto
I really want to reply to this, but no words can cover what I feel about what you wrote.

I have no magic wisdom, but am very proud of your bravery.

Hang strong!

_________________________
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

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#51985 - 12/09/06 02:39 AM Re: Me
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Hauser,

You have been an inspiration to me and I'm sure you have been the same for many others in this forum. You allowed us to realize that, we can talk about the deepest darkest secrets that we have and still be a part of this group. That is crucial! You broke many barriers that I'm sure many of us thought may have been unbreakable. Thank you.

Much love,
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#51986 - 12/09/06 03:56 AM Re: Me
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11176
Loc: Denver, CO
Quote:
This is why I hate me.
Well, I don't hate you.

FT

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#51987 - 12/09/06 06:08 AM Re: Me
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Way to be real Hauser, your courage is endless.

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#51988 - 12/09/06 03:46 PM Re: Me
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
Hauser.
You blew up the reservoir dam and all that crap came rushing out. You are still alive. No Frankenstein mobs came banging at your door. Your self-hatred is your creation. I was there and still am on occasion. My history of self-loathing was long - I am useless, sack of shit, no, I don't need your help so get out of my face. I was called a perv long before I knew what they did. Being Catholic just added to the crap. Funny thing, the nuns never taught us that God is usually a loving God etc. As altar boys we rattled off the Latin: ad Deum qui laetificat juventutem meam - I will go unto the altar of God who give joy to my youth. What happened? Where was the joy when I was molested? I don't know.
The god of my youth is not the god of me today.

For a long time I felt like that guy Sisyphus pushing that big rock up to the top, then rolling back down and doing it over and over.

How did I break the cycle? I had to find out why I was unhappy with me. I hated being like me, couldn't look in the mirror sober or drunk because I didn't like what I saw. Refused to believe others who said I was not a troll, I was ok. And I held onto the shit for a long time. Things got good I sabotaged myself. Used to feeling shitty, no self esteem, let me hide under my bed again. This cycle went on for a long time and I got tired of being this way and it took a suicide attempt, hauled off to the ER where I was tied down, admitted to the dual diagnosis and put in locked ward again and hopefully the last time. I stopped isolating. If I didn't I would die. Period. I got out of myself and opened up to new people in AA and elsewhere. I still have trust issues, have only recently began to deal with my abuse but still get weirded out. When I'm in a supermarket and see a cute kid with its mother, I feel guilty by looking at the child. I am paranoid what the parent will think so I turn away.
What am I? Who am I? Or am I always discovering myself? Should I limit me by saying: I am this or that. Or just say "who knows?" When I find out I'll send out a press release. I made a conscious choice to let a few into my life. It took a while to really trust, but I am so thankful I did. This is the god of my youth letting me trust a few. It does bring me joy and pain because one of my friends can be a real pain in the ass, if I let him. He has issues I don't have and once I began to understand the nature of his ills, it became easiere for me. I also have to tell myself: I am not the center of the world; I am a hero only in my head; it is not about me. Being narcissistic (What about my needs?!!) gets me off track. A nasty cycle, but also human nature to a point. We make mistakes, we learn to correct them, or find out how.
I see a T - I seem to think I am there to amuse her - I write homework - typed page daily of emotions, events, good and bad - there is a 6 inch pile in my folder. I like to write, obviously, and love to throw in a bomb or two to get a reaction. I am dyslexic, so when I speak the words can be confusing to others - I reverse thoughts when speaking - so when I type, I see what I say, I have control finally of my ideas.
I saw the term 'ideate' the other day and I choked. What in hell does that mean? Must be a new 'in' term used in mental health circles. No more "I think" - some of these jerks can spoil a good wet dream with their 'ideations.' Someday I will discuss oral masturbation (non sexual act).
So, to end this example of a non simple declarative sentence, you have begun the journey. There will be distractions, bring along your compass so you get can back on the road to discovery. Some day will will find out, but what's the rush?

froggy12

_________________________
??

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#51989 - 12/09/06 04:01 PM Re: Me
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by froggy12:
So, to end this example of a non simple declarative sentence, you have begun the journey. There will be distractions, bring along your compass so you get can back on the road to discovery. Some day will will find out, but what's the rush?

froggy12
Froggy, I have read your entire post, so please don't think by quoting only the last lines that I am dismissing it, but these lines are beautiful. They really do say it all.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#51990 - 12/09/06 05:22 PM Re: Me
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Thank you everyone. Brave? Courage?

How about desperate?

Froggy, the rush is that I'm 37 and I for the first time in my life would like to have a family of my own but I can't even find a partner, not to mention a career that could allow me to afford one. I'm afraid I may have missed that boat. It's one of the heaviest prices of this CSA that I'm paying.

I've recently been hanging out with a good friend that has 3 really cool kids (I've never spent time with kids before, ever) and they love having me around and it's made me wish for something I never thought I would ever want before.


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#51991 - 12/09/06 05:39 PM Re: Me
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Hauser,
Wow. You have done an amazing thing. you say desperate, ok, if that's what drove you to your bravery and honesty, call it that. But realize that all along you have made good, safe decisions. You are strong.
Paul


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#51992 - 12/09/06 06:31 PM Re: Me
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
Hauser, I rode steerage on Noah's Ark.

When I found out that I am dyslexic (at 45) I went back to school and got a degree in history, cum laude (Whoopeee). A few professors said I was an anomaly, another said I was walking history. Nicer than loser, asshole etc. Just more names. I proved to myself I am not dumb but I still had a load of unwanted baggage to toss. Sometimes I think I believe in the tooth fairy, but better that than nothing. Fear kept me down and still does if I let it. But I am a feisty son of a bitch so I keep going on, just for the hell of it.
Friends give validation and we do need it. Friends accept each other for what they are, the total package, foibles and all. Go for it buddy, all you have to lose is your fear.

Another froggy12 moment.

_________________________
??

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#51993 - 12/10/06 05:38 PM Re: Me
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hauser,

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. I, too, am humbled by your courage to speak the unspeakable.

If the truth were to be known I would suspect there are many of us who have, at one time or another, experienced thoughts or even arousal that could be considered pre-perpetrator behavior. There is a huge difference however between thought and action. One of the differences between immaturity and manhood is that men act with courage. As a man you have steadfastly avoided hurting children. That is an act of courage and integrity, not one of hatred and shame.

Speaking these things is the first step toward diminishing their power in your life. It's gonna take determination and commitment to the path of recovery, but if anyone can do it you certainly can. You've done so much already. You see your life as a failure because of this issue. The rest of us see your life as one of determination and growth. You'll make it through this also simply because of the man you are.

I'd like to end this with a quote from a former member here.
Quote:
• “Take time to look into the mirror that reflects what others see in you.” – Sinking aka John
You're a good man, Hauser. I admire you for your integrity and courage.

((((((((((Hauser))))))))))

Lots of love,

John

[edited to add post>
_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#51994 - 12/12/06 03:19 AM Re: Me
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Just wanted to say you're brave for sharing this, Hauser. I wish I had your guts. \:\)

andy

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#51995 - 12/13/06 05:39 AM Re: Me
Brad101 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/08/06
Posts: 16
Hi -

A lot of your post 7th grade experiences are quite familiar to me as you describe them. I was fortunate enough to figure out in my mid-20's that the reason I was having sexual thoughts about younger boys was the simple fact that my experiences at that age left me unsatisfied. As you describe the times that you were sexually aroused but there was no satisfaction or reciprocation to you. It sort of leaves a mental hole that you keep trying to fill?

What I see is you having plenty of opportunities later in life to try and fill that hole but you were also coherent enough to realize that it wasn't the right thing to do. As long as you can realize the reasons for your reactions then you're able to control your actions \:\)

And btw.. I must agree with the others here when they tell you you're not such a bad person as you think you are.

Brad


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#51996 - 12/13/06 12:50 PM Re: Me
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
i have been living with these issues my whole life...hatting my self all the time..thinking i am such a pervert...almost offened in my 20s...but didnt...and proud to say never have or will..trying to figure out what is wrong with me..so isolated all by myself...thanks hauser for this topic...and everyone else for the responses....took me quite a while to respond.. for fear when people know my secret..they will hate me and push me away...i am not worthy......


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#51997 - 12/14/06 01:58 AM Re: Me
GuyD2006 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/06/06
Posts: 20
Loc: Louisiana
Wow...I mean....Wow..really Wow. More should speak up. That is what has helped me. I felt like crap for so long. I am learning to forgive myself and to love myself. Its a long journey, but through God anything is possible. God loves you and God loves me. God loves sinners. " Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone."

Love,

Guy


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#51998 - 12/14/06 04:22 PM Re: Me
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
May God Bless this site.

Talk about window of opportunity gents,
it's wide open...vent, opine, whatever.

Froggy12

_________________________
??

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#51999 - 12/14/06 04:39 PM Re: Me
Peter 1950 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 51
Loc: Atlanta
Hauser,

Amazing story told with grace, honesty and integrity. What a courageous thing to do! I can relate to many of the subsequent issues and challenges. I hope that you've found that telling your story did minimize it's power over you. Clearly, all these posts show that you've succeeded in helping others know they're not alone. I'm impressed.

Finally, you should stop beating yourself up for thinking the things you do, and start giving yourself credit for the control you've exerted over your impulses. You are showing a tremendous amount of strength. Re-read the posts if you need to; all of us are giving you more credit than you give yourself. Accept a little of it.

Peter


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#52000 - 12/15/06 06:43 AM Re: Me
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Hauser, isn't it amazing how we will beat up on ourselves for things that happened in our past. Also things we did in our past. From what you have told us there is only one time where you acted out with someone who was to young for you. I bet you keep beating yourself up about it, even though just as soon as the boy said stop, you STOPPED. I bet you give yourself no credit for stopping! But stop you did! That is the most important thing! Also in your later life you did not act on the desires that you had, you knew it would be damaging to the other person, that is most important! Can you get rid of the desires, that I don't know, I would send a PM to Ken Singer. AS he works with perpetrators he can tell you more about it. I have recently become interested in the sexual addiction books of Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., you can find a list of them at Gentle Path Book Selections I read In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior first, as it was in my public library. One of the things he talks about is "Each of us has an “arousal template” that governs our sexual attraction and relationships. Developmental problems, trauma and abuse, family messages, and life experiences can significantly damage that template. Key to understanding how that template works is eroticized feelings such as anger, fear, and shame." I believe what he was saying is even thou it was damaged, through therapy it can be repaired, at least to some extent. you should be able to get all the books through your public library, if they don't have it, they can probably get it through the inter-library exchange program. I just started reading his first book "Don’t Call It Love: Recovering From Sexual Addiction" found it at a goodwill if you can believe that.
Please do not think that I think that I am better than you in any way. Just because I was raped at knife point does not mean I don't have inappropriate attractions sometimes. Like you I decided to post about it. I was sure I would be barred from the site. In fact I was ready to leave the site if anyone replied in a negative fashion to the post. I was very surprised that no one did. I am very grateful, as I did not want to go, but I was ready to do so. In my signature you will find a link to a post where I keep track of my important posts. most of them have trigger warnings, that means they can be emotionally triggering, or cause you to remember your own sexual abuse. The one I would like you to read is, "I am not proud of this and now realize it was wrong at the time. Triggers!" What I would like for you to get out of it is, how I beat my self up, and how the guys on here tried to make me feel better about it. We have such a fine bunch of guys here. While I don't post much anymore, I still read all the posts, and love all the guys on here, and that includes you.

Much love,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#52001 - 12/15/06 12:21 PM Re: Me
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Hauser,

I read this, what you wrote. I did not read it all in one try. It took several. It was very difficult to read. I can not imagine how very difficult it was to write, but even more, to live through all of it. Thank you for having the courage to show yourself, 'warts and all' so openly, knowing that the responses may not have been positive. I am glad they have been. You deserve such support. I wish you good luck as you continue your healing journey.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#52002 - 12/18/06 03:40 PM Re: Me
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Thank you all for your responses. I feel that this was necessary for me to start to get my life back together. (When that officially starts I'll let you know?)

So hey I wanted to add another chapter to this but it's very nice, and it might seem very simple, perhaps silly, but it meant a lot to me. So here I go:

In my life experience, I've had VERY little experience with children at all, except for distant family relations, of which I've spent very little time with. (I am the youngest of 4, and none of us have had children, I wonder if my parents have something to do with that?)

Anyway,I've recently made a great friend after moving to my city, who is a single Dad, we're both the same age, and he's got 3 kids. 2 boys, (6yo and 5yo) and and little girl (almost 4yo). His kids have become very attached to me, probably cuz nobody wants to hang out with kids this age, heh. I've been teaching them how to tie their shoes, how to spell words and numbers etc. I've also played games with them that incites laughter that I've never heard since my youth, they make me remeber how cool it was to be happy.

Well ok here is that moment I was trying to get at:

Do you know how children draw? What they draw tends to directly translate what they feel right? Like, at one extreme, police will interview a child and have them draw what happened to them if something bad happened, and they get a picture that isn't very pretty. Well, when Danny, the 5yo, was sitting next to me in the easy chair, he was doodling on one of those paperless pads and he ended up drawing a picture of him sitting next to me. And it was a totally happy picture, \:\) , he had a huge smile on his face and so did I.

So, that was the moment. Little Danny right there helped grind into my brain what I had been trying to do by myself all these years. It WAS a healing moment for me. I just thought I might share it for what it's worth.


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#52003 - 12/18/06 04:05 PM Re: Me
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
It's worth sharing.

Children are happiness personified. They are capable of such acts of beauty that they can absolutely knock you off your rocker. And they seem to know exactly how to reach you, whether it is a drawing, or whatever.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#52004 - 12/18/06 09:37 PM Re: Me
Peter 1950 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 51
Loc: Atlanta
Hauser,

I'm so happy for you that you had that moment with Danny, and I'm glad that you shared it with all of us. What a great experience for you!

I have two grandchildren. One lives only 3 miles away. They both can melt my heart with a word or two or a look. Little children help us to see the world through innocent eyes. Our experiences have caused us to be always careful and usually distrustful. Looking at the world through the eyes of a little child full of hope and trust gives us each a sense of what's possible...what could be. It's a wonderful way to look at the world. And, even for a moment it's a wonderful thing for us to see.

I'm really happpy for you to have had that healing moment with Danny, and I wish you many more.

Peter


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#52005 - 12/18/06 11:31 PM Re: Me
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Hauser,

Thank you for sharing that story with us. There is nothing like the innocence and love of a child. I'm glad you were able to receive that gift!

I also hope that it serves as some motivation for you to continue to work on your recovery. You have been doing many amazing things since you have been here at Male Survivor. I hope that someday, you will be more willing to give yourself the credit that you deserve. Hauser, you are a good man. It's unfortunate that most survivors are the last people to realize just how special they really are! When we finally "get it", thats when a whole new world of opportunity opens up for us! Thats what I wish for you and everyone else here at MS. We all deserve to be happy!

Recovery is Possible!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#52006 - 12/19/06 02:24 AM Re: Me
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hauser,

Being a positive part of a child's life will bring rewards that will last your life through. I'm pleased you have this opportunity.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#52007 - 12/19/06 03:58 AM Re: Me
zenboy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/27/02
Posts: 7
Loc: Chicago, IL USA
Hauser,

I have long considered you a friend here and continue to do so, even more strongly now. I bow to your strength and willingness to keep going.

Please remember that there is always much more right with you than "wrong" with you.

Also, please remember this:

"The fairest flowers of April cannot bloom
Unless they're given life by Heaven's tears."

and this:

"Your triumph over great adversity
Is testimony to your inner strength."

Those are four lines from a sonnet I wrote for my mother (also an SA survivor) for her birthday about 13 years ago. Mom has found those words comforting; perhaps (and I hope) you will, too.

All the best to you,

zenboy

_________________________
Steve
http://www.maledepression.com

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#52008 - 12/19/06 03:59 AM Re: Me
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
you know the big thing here? you werent afraid of sitting with him huh? thats healing . adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#52009 - 12/19/06 06:48 PM Re: Me
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States



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#52010 - 12/19/06 10:27 PM Re: Me
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Hauser, hey its great the way kids translate things and their world is not hurt.
They give me strength in knowing not all kids are hurt.

They are every bit as magic as their world around them is, be part of it, \:\)

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#52011 - 12/20/06 11:52 AM Re: Me
Thomson Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/12/06
Posts: 30
Hauser,

It was greart reading your story and how you came out of all the problems, this is recovery.

And your experience with danny was the most amazing thing \:\)

_________________________
There is enough light for one to see the truth.

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#52012 - 12/20/06 04:18 PM Re: Me
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Hauser,
Brian said it best: "It's unfortunate that most survivors are the last people to realize just how special they really are."
For over 50 years I devalued (or disvalued) all my positive accomplishments because I had been taught by my abuser(s) that I was only good at one thing - providing sexual service.
I had something of an "Aha!" moment just a few days ago, when my viewpoint shifted and I realized that there are many aspects of my life of which I can and should be very proud and for which I should be grateful. Until that moment, in my eyes it was all dull, uninteresting and worth next to nothing.
Wishing you happy holidays and an "Aha!" moment or two of your own.
Much love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#52013 - 12/20/06 05:12 PM Re: Me
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Hauser,

Quote:
How many times do I have to prove to myself that I'm not evil or bad? How many times is enough? How can I ever feel good about who I am if I have to deal with these kinds of attractions?

I now wish that I was violently attacked and raped when I was little, instead of being manipulated and groomed. It led me to believe, for too long, that I am something I am NOT.
The first paragraph strikes us all, we all think or thought the same way..

The second paragraph is contradictory as it happened to me with different but similar results.
I was violently attacked which in itself is unusual for a perp.

I have no 'real' trust in ppl, I lived a childhood in blind terror scared to go out, even to school.
That (terror) is still with me, forever,

ste

Never wish for something like that,

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#52014 - 12/27/06 05:44 PM Re: Me
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Reading your story has moved me a great deal. I am very saddend to read how your life has been destroyed. But you have found the strength and the courage to tell us. I take my hat off to you, you are a very strong person.

It is so easy to say "what if....." I do it everyday. Please be strong.

a freind
Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#140885 - 02/09/07 03:20 PM Re: [Re: Hauser]
dean1320 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 129
Loc: Atlanta, GA , US
i know brother that you are hurting. i have been in your shoes. as long as you haven't hurt anyone, that's ok. the victim need not be the victimizer. peace be with your heart

_________________________
NEVER QUIT .

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#140886 - 02/09/07 03:21 PM Re: [Re: Hauser]
dean1320 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 129
Loc: Atlanta, GA , US
i know brother that you are hurting. i have been in your shoes. as long as you haven't hurt anyone, that's ok. the victim need not be the victimizer. peace be with your heart

_________________________
NEVER QUIT .

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#140889 - 02/09/07 03:59 PM Re: [Re: dean1320]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Al, you have to base the fact that you were very young at the time, and kids do explore each other, abused or not.
I dont think it would have such a negative impact, even in todays law, it would be trivial.

"As 6th grade had come around my grades starting going downhill and I was totally sexually confused. All of the boys were talking about girls and I was looking at boys. To this day I have NO idea if, were I to have been left alone and had a chance to grow up “normal”"

I did much the same thing, but looked at boys, and just wanted to be them, like I was jealous of not having the same freedom they enjoyed.

When I see the pics of guys who survived, it gives me strength to think, hey these guys look good, not sad wrecks! Maybe inside, but outside they shine,

ste


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#184954 - 10/05/07 04:09 PM Re: Me [Re: Hauser]
Ferdinand Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/30/07
Posts: 2
Loc: Maine
Anyway,I've recently made a great friend after moving to my city, who is a single Dad, we're both the same age, and he's got 3 kids. 2 boys, (6yo and 5yo) and and little girl (almost 4yo). His kids have become very attached to me, probably cuz nobody wants to hang out with kids this age, heh. I've been teaching them how to tie their shoes, how to spell words and numbers etc. I've also played games with them that incites laughter that I've never heard since my youth, they make me remeber how cool it was to be happy.

Well ok here is that moment I was trying to get at:

Do you know how children draw? What they draw tends to directly translate what they feel right? Like, at one extreme, police will interview a child and have them draw what happened to them if something bad happened, and they get a picture that isn't very pretty. Well, when Danny, the 5yo, was sitting next to me in the easy chair, he was doodling on one of those paperless pads and he ended up drawing a picture of him sitting next to me. And it was a totally happy picture, \:\) , he had a huge smile on his face and so did I.

So, that was the moment. Little Danny right there helped grind into my brain what I had been trying to do by myself all these years. It WAS a healing moment for me. I just thought I might share it for what it's worth.
=================================================================

What a wonderful experience, Alan!!! I'm so happy for you! That is the kind of love we all need to expereince. My grandkids have been so important to me.

Your friend Dan

_________________________
Spring is sprung,
De grass is riz,
I wonder where dem birdies is?

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