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#51881 - 05/29/05 11:59 PM little boy
puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 129
Loc: earth
no matter what i do, no matter what i tell myself, there is always this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that im not good enough. i know that my low self esteem comes from being abused. i try to fake it. try to pretend that im strong and confident. but im not. i feel like a little boy stuck in a grown up world. im afraid to let people know who i really am. im afraid they will see all of my flaws and reject me or laugh at me. im afraid to be vulnerable. i dont want to be alone, but the thought of letting anyone get close to me terrifies me. i dont want anyone to know who i am and what happened to me. i feel like im always one word or one look away from falling apart. i have trouble looking people in the eye because i am afraid they will see right through me, into me, and know that im a sick, dirty, worthless little boy. i know in time these feelings will become less intense. or so people tell me. but right now its a really scary place to be.

_________________________
pUpPy

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#51882 - 05/30/05 01:10 AM Re: little boy
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
I know that I can speak for myself and many others when I tell you that you're not alone. Many of us feel like we are "damaged goods" because of what happened to us. I am a master chameleon who is successful, looks confident, intelligent and personable. Meanwhile, I'm a boiling volcano stirring underneath.
Most times, I don't feel like an adult either - and I view many others, especially other males as more adult than I.
I don't have any words of wisdom on this subject other than to say that you're not alone.

Sophiesdad

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#51883 - 05/30/05 02:02 AM Re: little boy
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I'm so glad you found this site. I feel what you're describing a lot. My uncle SA me and my family thinks they're better than anybody, so I was trained to be "never good enough". They use us like rags, so we believe we are rags. But it's not true.

The more you talk here and get to know how much all the guys have been through here, you'll see you're not alone. You are good. It's what they did to you that was bad. I try to come here several times a week, because it's here that I feel it. We're not to blame, and we're not dirty inside. It wasn't our fault what they did to us. It helps me keep the blame where it belongs, on the people whom I was supposed to be able to trust, but instead of helping me and making me feel loved, they ruined the first 20 years of my life.

You're clean from what they did to you. They're the dirty ones.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#51884 - 05/31/05 01:58 AM Re: little boy
RangerJ19 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 42
Loc: North Woods
Puppy,

I'm sort of rough w/ the encouragement deal, so please take this in the spirit it is intended:

You are not dirty. Nothing that happens TO you can make you dirty, only what comes out of you, and I've seen nothing but honesty and courage coming out of you so far.

You are not weak. You have gone on and lived your life. Every single day you carry a burden that is so great your average guy is terrified of it. They're so scared of the very idea they hate to talk about it, and you are talking about it. More than that, you are carrying it, you are going on. You've said you were in the armed forces, so: Men who can make a 20 mile run humping a hundred plus pounds, the 'manly men' who can bench press 300# etc... they couldn't stand under the burden you carry around every day. You're stronger than they can possibly imagine.

You said in your post that right now it's a scary place to be, but you're here! You're at that scary place and you're not backing down. No weak little boy can do that. No coward or 'damaged goods' could. You can. So you're not weak, or little, or a coward.

You're a hero. If you ever need reminded of that, or if you need to vent. PM or e-mail me. I don't get to the discussion board as often as I'd like but I check my e-mail several times a day. I do a little bit better at that.

For what it's worth: I'm proud of you for just being here. Good job, man. Keep on keeping on.

_________________________
Life is worth living.
'Cause of legal issues and the fact i'm still trying to get better, I don't PM or chat w/ minors.

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