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#51810 - 07/07/03 01:10 PM Re: How do you form friendships?
uncertain Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 22
Great subject. I am in my thirties and I have always had trouble making friends (and keeping the ones I have). Especially friendships with men. If a man is at all aggressive or aloof, I cannot stand to be in the same room. It's a problem I know. To be honest, I feel like the other guy in almost any circumstance is automatically judging me and seeing me as a useless excuse for a man. I got some problems here I know. I am going to sit back and read some more posts and hope I get some more hints.


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#51811 - 07/07/03 01:28 PM Re: How do you form friendships?
godsrabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 98
uncertain,

i am with you...i have been reading along with this thread trying to find constructive tips and not be so self-critical.

i have very few male friends and those i do have conveniently travel a lot or are otherwise inaccessible...or else i travel a lot and make myself inaccessible....

i know i do that by design...i have wretched trust issues...i am too defensive and too paranoid to let people get anywhere near me (physically or emotionally)...i have always been one of those people who says: of course i will be your friend, just leave me alone....

i am mostly okay with my solitude when it is a choice...and it is often my choice...but i am occasionally self-isolating and i know that is not healthy...

thank you all who have contributed here...it is helpful...

~ rabbit


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#51812 - 07/07/03 02:33 PM Re: How do you form friendships?
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Well, look at that, would ya, I wrtie a love letter to you guys and you start analyzing this thing called friendship to death.

Who wants to go to a ball game?

I don't?

Who says that I have to?

I got your ball game game right here.

Who says that I gotta do anything that isn't something that I'm not interested in?

All of that "assignment shit," or "homework," where's your heart, for pete's sake?

Mine's here. And it's with these issues.

I don't think that some of you would recognize a friend if he he bit you in the ass.........well, some of you would recoginze that, I suppose.

But don't miss my point.

I'm looking forward to friendship in Minneapolis, god damn it, and you better be ready--a handshake, maybe a hug and some real talk, about some real issues, not some phoney shit about ball scores and how many women or men you layed over the weekend. OK?

Geez, who was that, what's up his butt, has he left the room........

Buddy Dave----David, to you.....

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#51813 - 07/07/03 03:10 PM Re: How do you form friendships?
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
David,

You left yourself wiiiiiiide open for this:

Quote:
has he left the room........
No, actually, he has left the planet :p

ROFL-ing Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#51814 - 07/07/03 04:43 PM Re: How do you form friendships?
SB Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/06/03
Posts: 5
Jimmer


Thinking people are your friends, after you get to know them a bit should be a good quality in any man. I learned the very hard way, a long time ago what you just learned. Most people are very unsensitive, egoistical and egocentrical and abusive in behaviour. in plain street-english thats what we call assholes (excuse the term, please) you say 99% ? well perhaps not that many, but still even if it it were that many, that leaves the 1 % and out of 6 billion people? thats more potential friends than any of us can ever hope to have.

How do you make friends? gosh, good one. I think you more or less bump into potential friends. mostly not the guys you are stuck with at work or any other obligation. I think the first rule should be you find people that are equal to you in social standing. So your boss or deacon would not be my choice, you depend on them to much now.
Try to come in contact with guys who share your interests, hobbies and so on, you'd be supprised there are people out there who want to reach out and are also looking for friends. Loneliness is a wide spread ailment today, you aren't alone in this.
Hope I make any sence to you, good luck

SB


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#51815 - 07/07/03 05:11 PM Re: How do you form friendships?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
Who wants to go to a ball game?

I don't?

Who says that I have to?

I got your ball game game right here.
David,

I have got to learn to write more clearly.

What I meant is that I'm sure my wife and T want me to find/form friendships with guys that live around here. I don't think they (wife and T) will be satisfied with me saying, "But I have a lot of friends on MaleSurvivor."

I'm pretty much in the same boat as a lot of the other posters. Outside the guys I've met through this board, I don't have many close male friends. There's no one I'd ask for advice, for instance. I deliberately "steered" my wife towards the female psychologist when we got recommendations from my pastor last year. Even now I don't know if I could work on this stuff with a male therapist.

I'm looking forward to the MN conference, too. And I've already seen the Twins at the Metrodome, so I wasn't planning to try to talk you into a ball game. \:D

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#51816 - 07/07/03 06:55 PM Re: How do you form friendships?
jimrh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
Buddy Dave, or David, and Joe......

let me tell you a little story. Three weeks ago, I realized all too traumatically exactly how many friends I do have (I wasn't going to ever post this but something you said David forces me to).

My wife and I had had several days & weeks of ever-increasing arguments and hostility. It culminated with a rage-filled argument in which I practicallly tried to tear my house apart (sparked by her throwing my laptop - my connection to my only friends such as you all - over my 2nd floor deck, busting it to pieces). Making a long story short, I went to jail for three nights and now am subject to a restraining order.

So what does this have to do with the whole friends thing? Well, I realized I had exactly zero, big fat ZERO friends that I could call on for help. Ah, but you say, what about my family? Response from my sister - no, not gonna bail you out Jim, you need this quick, swift kick in the ass. Jail will be good for you. The one person I thought was my friend (my boss)? Nope Jim, you and wife need to work this one out.

So I finally get out of jail (wife and her three sisters took pity on my because I was literally falling to pieces in the jailhouse and was thinking of any way I could possibly find to hang myself). So I then go immediately, that day to talk to my Priest. Did it help? Did I feel like he was a friend. NO. In a much nicer way than my sister....(I needed this kick in the ass).

Having guys such as you on MS.ORG certainly is helpful, but it is no substitute for the real McCoy.

I guess my ultimate fear is this: why in hell would any guy have any interest in spending time with me, getting to know me? It's never happened (except through online chats here, etc).

Don't get me wrong about developing friendships here through MS.ORG...but David, we are here because of some traumatic things that happened to us and we share in that common pain. I see it sort of like if you were a Chinese immigrant to the US, and spent your entire life within the walls of the Chinese community. Isn't there more beauty to the USA and to all the people there than just your small world confined by self imposed boundries be they language or culture?

Actually something just hit me, because of the commonality of our issues....and seemingly common problem with forming natural, normal, intimate non-sexual relationships with other males, maybe this is the wrong forum to be asking the quesion.

Now I kinda feel bad for starting this impossible post in the first place. Sorry guys.

Just some thoughts.


Jim


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#51817 - 07/07/03 08:08 PM Re: How do you form friendships?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jimmer
the reaction of the Priest and your boss is so.....I'm lost for words. They just don't deserve their positions. They have positions of trust and respect, and they have failed miserably.

Quote:
but when it comes to a normal guy as opposed to someone like me, a fag, then how do you get past the wall that ultimately will come up the second they realize that you are queer?
This was from your earlier post, and all the did was reinforce it. And ignorance is NO EXCUSE, they failed you on every level.

I'd copied the bit from your early post before I saw the later one, and I was going to say that in my experience people don't think these things, but I guess I've been lucky in that everyone I've shared my past with has been supportive and understanding in their own way.

I was also going to say that if you did come up against such bigotry and hate then "fuck em" they don't deserve the shit off your shoes let alone your friendship.

There are good decent people out there Jimmer, believe me there are. but I know it's going to take a long time time before you go looking again after that experience, which is a shame because you've made the effort.
I must say though, keep trying, those guys that just turn around and say "yeah ! if ever you want to talk about it try me" are out there, and they're worth finding.

I hope we can help until then.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#51818 - 07/07/03 08:25 PM Re: How do you form friendships?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Now my anger at the a*****s has subsided a bit, let me talk about my friends.

Most of my true friends are ones that I've met through my passion for 4x4's, and the involvement with a club for over 10 years.
Some know my past, maybe the gossip means they all know - I don't know or care really.
If they do know it can't bother them any because they treat me the same as they always did, trust me - even with their kids - and don't treat me as some kind of perv'.

I keep banging on about it here, but I so believe that we need something other than our SA and all that goes with it to keep us grounded, and to give us a break.
It doesn't matter what it is, a chess club or skydiving. If you can do it, always wanted to do it, then go and do it.

my friends outside the club are the same, and although I said that nobody has ever reacted badly to knowing my past, there are friends I've moved on from. But that's because I've changed and they might not have. We haven't fallen out, just drifted apart.

Friends don't gravitate to us, we have meet them halfway.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#51819 - 07/07/03 08:25 PM Re: How do you form friendships?
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Jim,

Will you please knock it off with the "normal" stuff already? Where the hell, who the hell is normal anyway?

Hearing you speak this way makes me feel as if you are somehow labeling me, by association, as flawed somehow for having to be here. I don't concur!!!!! I find these innuendo's to be disparaging at best. Please snap out of it!

Jim, if you were poor, there is a chance you could become rich. If your were ignorant there is chance that you could become edjumacated. If your eyes were really bad, there is a chance that you could have your vision corrected with surgery. If you had small breasts, you could get implants.

If you were born black, you will never have white skin. If you were born straight, you will not by nature be gay. If you are alcoholic, forget ever taking a drink again. You have been sexually abused, and you cannot undo the effect that this has had on you.

Jim, we have all been sexual abused here. We cannot turn back the clock and make things as if they had never happened that way. The only thing we can do is ACCEPT and then SURRENDER and MOVE ON. This is not a bad place to be. This is a good place to be. A fantastic, phenomonal place to be. This place is a gift from god, a paradise.

Be righteously angry. Have a conniption fit. Get it out of your system. But please don't come here with shame and remorse. This place is a haven for survivors, not a hospital for victims.

I don't mean to sound cross or condescending, but I do hope that you can turn your attitude around. I know you have been through hell, but this place is your ticket out.

I am sorry if I went too far, please forgive me. I wish for nothing less than your highest and best.

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
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