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#51760 - 03/10/03 01:50 PM Loneliness & Flashbacks
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Why is it that when I am surrounded by my wife and daughter I can and do feel lonely a lot of the times. I get so sad for no apparent reason.

Saturday nite I was watching a movie that had a scene of children playing on a carousel in a park. All of a sudden I got this horrible feeling about a carousel and being a small child. I am scared to death about what that means. One of my doctors has suggested physco therapy and another says I dont need it. All my life I have remembered what happened to me. Now I am not so sure and I dont think I want to find oput if there was other shit. I just feel sort of crazy inside right now; like I am full of shattering glass. God I dont need anything else. Am I alone in this.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#51761 - 03/10/03 02:19 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
mike....YOU ARE NOT ALONE.....i'll help if i am able..

i understand completely your lonliness.....i am alone most of my time, but sometimes i've felt the lonliness was even worse when i'm with people...i know that makes no sense, but guess it just intensifies the feelings and how nobody can really ever understand the deep lonliness inside of you....

i think we are all here to help you as best we can.....michael


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#51762 - 03/10/03 02:30 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Hi Mike, I know exactly what ya mean buddy. I have the same feelings at times. The house is full with family and laughter, and I sit in my Lazy-Boy chair and feel like I'm in another place and time, completely by myself, disconnected.
I think that some of it is our ages, mine 52 and your's a little older. We are maybe at that stage of life where we look around and wonder IS THAT ALL THERE IS ALFIE? We've created this wonderful life around us. Everything seems so normative, and yet the people closest to us have absolutely no idea of the process involved to get there. Because as much as we may explain and share with them. They can never really understand our histories, our pain, our internal screams and scarring. And part of the reason for that is because we don't necessarily have the full picture, the complete memory of our abuse, there are still blanks in our SA experiential landscape. There may still be more to be revealed. Maybe even things we don't like about ourselves and this might reflect on who we are and the integrity of what we've created. Our struggle and recovery is an ongoing process. The scar tissue runs through so many facets of our lives. The consequences of SA are lifelong, but
recovery is achievable. Peace, Andrew


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#51763 - 03/10/03 04:23 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Yes, I often wonder if the mid life crisis is making things worse, it's four months until I hit 50, and I'm not really bothered.
But I've always felt this detachment and the feeling of being alone in a crowd, I think I started recovery at the right time because I have a feeling it would be worse with the normal stuff like the mid life crisis.

It's not easy to remain detached in a crowd, but once the feeling has started I find it nearly impossible to escape, I have sat through parties in complete silence before now. And at other times I'm the life and soul.

I suspect all it needs is one unknown trigger, I don't know. If I did I'd avoid it.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#51764 - 03/10/03 08:28 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Thanks for the help guys. The other part is driving me crazy right now. I am afraid there is other shit that I did not know about and I dont think I can handle that.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#51765 - 03/10/03 08:55 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Mike,

This is my third try at a reply. It gets shorter all the time.

It can seem like peeling an onion. Professionals tell me that the mind only lets us remember what we can handle at the time. I am not sure I was all that able to deal with any of it. But I am still here. I think I have remembered about 95% of it at least.

The lonliness seems to me to come from the idea that no one can really understand how awful it was. Apparently, it is in fact, more awful for some than others. So even here, we cannot say I "know EXACTLY how you feel." Not hardly. I can have some idea of how you might feel from what I felt. But that makes us all feel lonely.

Understanding friends make it easier, but not easy. We really are lone rangers with our abuse and it's effects on us.

Sometimes, too, even very caring people can give us the impression that they don't want to hear about it any more. That is a very lonely feeling.

Sitting in my room, on the side of the bed at 3:10 AM after a nightmare is as lonely as it gets for me.

There will be a day though Mike, when we will be at peace and not feel alone. It comes gradually, but I guess there is a bit of lonliness we can never fully avoid.

Be good to yourself if you can. Go to a concert or a movie or take your honey to a nice dinner or whatever you can do to let yourself know that you are a really strong man doing a really good job at getting better.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#51766 - 03/10/03 10:59 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Kieran1 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 33
Loc: Canada
Mike,the sadness hits me too. And quite a lot lately.I too am struggling with my demons right now and am doing the best I can to look after myself.Please know that I do care about what you are going through,we can both try to help each other(with the help of everyone of our brothers here.)I constantly need reassurance and comfort from my family and others here on the site to help lighten the burden. Knowing that others are or have gone through this means we are not alone.I am going through therapy right now and I am so glad I made the choice.More help that I need to move ahead.My thoughts are with you.

Kieran


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#51767 - 03/10/03 11:04 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Mike,

Triggers and feelings of unknown stuff DOESN'T always mean that it's sa related suppressed memories. I know completely what you mean cuz I've always had my memories too.

For me, some of the triggers, sad feelings, despair, etc., have been more about growing up in a dysfunctional family.

Your not alone in all this. Should you see a T? I'd say trust your heart, if some inner voice says it's time for a T go with it. Otherwise, stay the course you're on.

I can relate to feeling lonely and or alone, even when I'm with family and friends. Feelings will pop up from out of the blue, sometimes triggered by seeing some touching display of affection, be it in real life or on tv.

You're not going crazy, or at least no more than is normal for survivors <---- lame attempt at some survivor humor <----- :p

jer


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#51768 - 03/10/03 11:09 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Mike,

No you are not alone my friend, believe me!

Just recently I went thru this again with my T, telling him about my fears there were more things that hadn't come up from out of the depths of my inner being yet, and how could I get them out so I could deal with them, and how could I handle it if there was anything else?

He had no profound answers, but just talking it out with him helped a lot. He did remind me that if there is anything else it will come when I'm ready and I'll be able to deal with it just like this other stuff I didn't think I could deal with that I'm dealing with! He also reminded me to refocus & live in the now, and don't worry about the past, buried or not.

Just some thots to let you know my thots are with you, bro.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#51769 - 03/10/03 11:48 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Mike, you are not alone! Many of us feel the same way. I am now separated from a very wonderful women who could no longer stand my smothering her because of my loneliness. I sucked every bit of life out of her; no matter how much she gave to me, I was still lonely inside. Her separating from me has thrown my life into an unbelievable crisis, and thankfully I have sought therapy. You donít have to live with the loneliness pain and anxiety. If you haven't yet been to therapy, GO. It is very hard to face what has terrified us for so long, but you are worth it.


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#51770 - 03/11/03 12:20 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Mike,
This thread is growing fast. You're certainly not alone in this. Things have changed so much for me in the last year that sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel desperately lonely. It's like I have a profound sense of loss for many of my dear old friends that have past through my life.

Jer,
As I come out of denial and realize that I grew up in a dysfunctional family those feelings of loss become greater. Though, I'm not sure why. Maybe I just want something to remain the same for me.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#51771 - 03/11/03 02:00 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
This topic is obviously hitting a nerve..

That empty feeling of aloneness inside has been with me my whole life. I relate to all of the comments made here so far. Jer, I very much agree with you that it isn't just from the sexual abuse, but growing up in a dysfunctional family. The lack of affection in my family, the verbal abuse, the wierd dynamics in order to avoid my dad's wrath--it all played a big part.

Just recently I observed a young couple "snuggle" with each other affectionately. It seemed to underscore my feelings of aloneness, lonliness and grief over what I have had only crumbs of in my life.

And even when I was married, and my marriage was good, I felt that aloneness. I'm doing lots of work on this now, and for me, I don't think it's connected with "unlocking another memory", but rather it's connected with actively parenting my inner child and learning how to feel loving toward myself and others.

Rick


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#51772 - 03/11/03 11:42 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
I've always been most alone...

when there were the most people.

I do not fit.

I am different.

If they really knew...

they would make fun of me...

And my pain would break free...

Like the waters that roil out of a dam that has burst...

And all the pieces that are really me...

Would be washed away forever...

Unmourned, Missed by no one...

Like a stuffed bear that's soiled and missing one

arm ~ so it can not hug a child ~ and one eye ~

so it can not see what matters most.

Refuse for the trashman.

My only value would be to be work for those who

disposed of me.

So I hide in silence.

I become invisable...

A social chamelion - speaking in the accent of

whatever crowd.

A sad clown hidden behind a painted smile.

And I retreat to a small circle of intimate friends...

Who still don't know...

But who might care....

A small window on the world..

Safe enough for me to touch...

With only a bearable amount of fear...

and self loathing...

Now I can rest In God

Some times He gives me peace...

But I still run from the threat

Of the dark clouds that are crowds.

Edwin

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#51773 - 03/11/03 07:03 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Mike,

Much like everyone else here, I tend to feel most alone when I am around my friends sometimes, or at a party. For years, even when I was a kid I would often spend my time at parties sitting in the corner reading a book. Even just in a small group of friends, that feeling of lonliness and worthlessness would well up in me and hit me like a ton of bricks. Edwin pretty much explains it perfectly in his poem. I'm afriad I don't have a whole lot of advice, but apparently such feelings aren't unusual.

Edwin,
Thanks for posting your poem. It speaks volumes for me. It is a perfect articulation of these feelings in me.

Eric


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#51774 - 03/11/03 08:18 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Little Red Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/01
Posts: 15
Loc: White Plains
Mike,

You are definitely not alone in this feeling. I have felt completely alone when in the arms of someone. It is not a fun feeling but it is definitely what each one of us have gone through probably a million times. I feel most alone when I am with my family - they do not understand what occurred and have never tried to get an understanding so when I go visit which is very rare - I feel so isolated, even though there could be 6 - 10 people there. You are not alone and we are not alone even though most times we feel that we are - how many of us have felt that we are the only one who was abused? no one will understand you, no will will look at you normal - whatever that means - that you are the perverted one. There are times that I do like being alone because then it is me - the one and only one I trust. No harm can come to me.
Mike stay strong - remember that we are all here for you and for each other.


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