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#51770 - 03/11/03 12:20 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Mike,
This thread is growing fast. You're certainly not alone in this. Things have changed so much for me in the last year that sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel desperately lonely. It's like I have a profound sense of loss for many of my dear old friends that have past through my life.

Jer,
As I come out of denial and realize that I grew up in a dysfunctional family those feelings of loss become greater. Though, I'm not sure why. Maybe I just want something to remain the same for me.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#51771 - 03/11/03 02:00 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
This topic is obviously hitting a nerve..

That empty feeling of aloneness inside has been with me my whole life. I relate to all of the comments made here so far. Jer, I very much agree with you that it isn't just from the sexual abuse, but growing up in a dysfunctional family. The lack of affection in my family, the verbal abuse, the wierd dynamics in order to avoid my dad's wrath--it all played a big part.

Just recently I observed a young couple "snuggle" with each other affectionately. It seemed to underscore my feelings of aloneness, lonliness and grief over what I have had only crumbs of in my life.

And even when I was married, and my marriage was good, I felt that aloneness. I'm doing lots of work on this now, and for me, I don't think it's connected with "unlocking another memory", but rather it's connected with actively parenting my inner child and learning how to feel loving toward myself and others.

Rick


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#51772 - 03/11/03 11:42 AM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
I've always been most alone...

when there were the most people.

I do not fit.

I am different.

If they really knew...

they would make fun of me...

And my pain would break free...

Like the waters that roil out of a dam that has burst...

And all the pieces that are really me...

Would be washed away forever...

Unmourned, Missed by no one...

Like a stuffed bear that's soiled and missing one

arm ~ so it can not hug a child ~ and one eye ~

so it can not see what matters most.

Refuse for the trashman.

My only value would be to be work for those who

disposed of me.

So I hide in silence.

I become invisable...

A social chamelion - speaking in the accent of

whatever crowd.

A sad clown hidden behind a painted smile.

And I retreat to a small circle of intimate friends...

Who still don't know...

But who might care....

A small window on the world..

Safe enough for me to touch...

With only a bearable amount of fear...

and self loathing...

Now I can rest In God

Some times He gives me peace...

But I still run from the threat

Of the dark clouds that are crowds.

Edwin

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#51773 - 03/11/03 07:03 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Mike,

Much like everyone else here, I tend to feel most alone when I am around my friends sometimes, or at a party. For years, even when I was a kid I would often spend my time at parties sitting in the corner reading a book. Even just in a small group of friends, that feeling of lonliness and worthlessness would well up in me and hit me like a ton of bricks. Edwin pretty much explains it perfectly in his poem. I'm afriad I don't have a whole lot of advice, but apparently such feelings aren't unusual.

Edwin,
Thanks for posting your poem. It speaks volumes for me. It is a perfect articulation of these feelings in me.

Eric


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#51774 - 03/11/03 08:18 PM Re: Loneliness & Flashbacks
Little Red Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/01
Posts: 15
Loc: White Plains
Mike,

You are definitely not alone in this feeling. I have felt completely alone when in the arms of someone. It is not a fun feeling but it is definitely what each one of us have gone through probably a million times. I feel most alone when I am with my family - they do not understand what occurred and have never tried to get an understanding so when I go visit which is very rare - I feel so isolated, even though there could be 6 - 10 people there. You are not alone and we are not alone even though most times we feel that we are - how many of us have felt that we are the only one who was abused? no one will understand you, no will will look at you normal - whatever that means - that you are the perverted one. There are times that I do like being alone because then it is me - the one and only one I trust. No harm can come to me.
Mike stay strong - remember that we are all here for you and for each other.


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