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#51548 - 07/27/01 07:42 AM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality: Any Connections?
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I am glad Lance, sounds like you are doing good things for yourself. I am not sturggling now, but I will have a very busy schedule till December. I will be teaching another night class. It takes a lot of energy.

_________________________
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***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
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#51549 - 07/29/01 12:25 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality: Any Connections?
Anonymous
Unregistered


You better believe it and extremely well put. Here Here. . .

Labels represent a significant part of the trouble. . .Your points about continuum are right on. .As someone who has great difficulty with judgement particularly negative ones (can imagine why? (sarcasm here) I have come to understand that labels are useful in that they can help people understand things. . . otherwise they are a pain in the ass.

I think gay and straight labels are hurtful. The important thing is how you feel about the person you are sexual with (and how they feel about you). Attraction is individual. . . I have found generalizing problematic.

I believe I am bisexual, and as such, capable of relationship with either a man or a woman. Where the abusive upbringing comes into play is my difficulty with intimacy and my feelings about being masculine.

Its hard to keep this perspective a lot of time because society likes labels and people are uncomfortable with ambiguity (especially me).

You points are extremely well taken. I only wish it would be as easy to understand these things emotionally as intellectually.

David


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#51550 - 07/29/01 04:20 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality: Any Connections?
Anonymous
Unregistered


MICHAEL JOSEPH: Thank you, and good luck with your increased teaching load.

URSABEAR: Wow, Excellent -- thank you for your thoughtful insights! They give me a lot to ponder. I also agree that my abuse affects every aspect of my life, not just intimacy and sexuality. It has taken me 14 years of active recovery to get to where I am today...and now sexuality/intimacy seems to be the core issue for me.

One thought I have is that wheverever I may fall on the continui you mention, I still need to make choices about with whom I will be intimate emotionally and sexually, and those choices do affect my life and the lives of those around me, including my children. If I choose to be sexual with both women and men, that has an impact. If I choose just one or the other, that, too, has an impact. The impact of one choice or another is different, and some scare me much more than others because of societal norms, what I hope for my children, etc.

Whether I choose to be emotionally intimate with both or one or the other seems to be a different choice for me with different consequences. I can be emotionally close to someone without having sex with that person. I can love that person as a vey dear friend, spend lots of time with her/him, but not as a lover. It doesn't matter so much whether the person is a man or a woman.

For me, choosing to have sex takes things to a different level of intimacy, or least it does in a healthy, non-acting out relationship. And having sex with men or with women has different implications for my life and the lives of my children.

The "love" continuum is an interesting one. I feel very drawn to a man right now in a way that I have never felt before twoard anyone, man or woman. So far, he is everything I have thought about wanting and needing in a relationship, and I really feel connected with him in a very deep way. We hav also had sex, but my interest i much more in the other aspects of the relationship, though I like the sex , too. At this point, the sexual part of the realtionship brings up fear and shame, mainly around societal norms and my religious sensitivities, and leaves me feeling unsure about what I want to do about sex in our relationship.

So, it seems that I am trying to make decisions about three basic questions: (1) With whom do I feel comfortable and desire emotional intimacy? (2) With whom do I feel comfortable and desire sexual intimacy? (3) With whom do I want to pursue both emotional and sexual intimacy in the context of a life-long loving partnership, i.e., Do I want to spend the rest of my life and love with a man or a woman?

Really tough questions for me,in case you haven't already figured that out! hehehe \:\)

Thanks again for your feedback. It is very helpful!

LanceC


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#51551 - 07/29/01 04:27 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality: Any Connections?
Anonymous
Unregistered


ARTTISTIC-DAVID: Wow...between your and Ursabear's feedback, I have enough to mull over for weeks and weeks! Thank you so much.

It is now quite clear to me that the abuse comes into play for me with my ability to engage in emotional intimacy and with whom I desire sex and can have sex. I HATE THIS, but it is my reality, and is now THE issue challenging me.

However, with great support and feedback from people like you and the others here, I feel confident that I will resolve these issues inways that are healing and healthy for me and my family.

Thanks again.

LanceC


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#51552 - 07/30/01 05:45 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality: Any Connections?
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
it sure as hell has f----- up my sexuality....since i've never been able to have sex with anybody....i just do not know what i want and am so afraid of all the memories flooding back if i ever have sex with anybody....i'm so afraid i'd freak out and really hurt the person i was with....ai guess replaying the scene from looking for mr. goodbar.....i just wish my uncle would have killed me instead.....or that i would have the courage to do it myself.....michael


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#51553 - 08/03/01 10:18 AM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality: Any Connections?
thunderbolt Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
ill have to check in with,world of hell, my out look is that any thing within eyes sight of me is sexual, every thing means sex, thats twisted, i like to thing life is differnt, but that means i have to live to have a life, souless corpes only fill spaces,and back to the pity party i go,,,,


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#51554 - 08/12/01 07:35 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality: Any Connections?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi, MichaelB and Thunderbolt. I just returned from a 10-day vacation and saw your messages. It seems we have much in common.

Thanks for responding and please keep coming back to the site!

LanceC


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#51555 - 08/19/01 02:08 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality: Any Connections?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thanks, Blackleaves, for the information. I am still trying to figure out what O iwant to do with my sexuality. I am clearly attracted to guys more than to women, and in fact, I have fallen in love with a guy. However, my feelings about and reactions toward women or thinking about having sex with women seem too intense to not be realted to my abuse. I experience panic and revulsion now when I consider sex with women./ During my 11-year marriage, I was unable to initiate sex with my wife, but when we DID have sex, it was really great. Since separating form my wife 7 years ago, however, I have been unable to get close to a woman or even consider sex with a woman. Idatged two women for a while, one for about 1 1/2 years, and I oculd barely bring my self to touch her or hug her or kiss her.

I also know that part of my desire for a man to cuddle and hold me and hug me stems from the fact that when my older brother had sex with me when I was about 8 (he was about 15), it was the first physical touch I had exeprienced in my family. My father did not hug me and yelled and hit me, and my mother beat me and rarely hugged me. Since sex with my brother, I have wished I could have more.

I am having a hard time now sorting this stuff out and spend a lot of time crying about it. I have working toward becoming a Cantor (Jewish), and feel like this is my calling, Yet, I cannot be openly gay and also be a Cantor. I also have two children and feaer the impact of being openly gay on them. I want my kids to be happy and not have to struggle with their sexuality. I also want grandchildren.

I wish I was 25 again, without kids and just on my own so that I could just choose to be gay or not and not have to think about kids, etc.

Your post is helpful...thanks!

LanceC


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#51556 - 08/22/01 08:22 AM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality: Any Connections?
Anonymous
Unregistered


I read that the most common sympton of SA besides depression is sexual identity issues.
G-d knows I have them. I'm trying to embrace them though. Maybe its fun to always have the option if not even only in your mind!


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#51557 - 08/23/01 03:01 PM Re: Male Abuse and Homosexuality: Any Connections?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thanks, Brett. I appreciate your thoughts and support! I am fianlly past my sex adiciont now and met a great guy. We have been dating for aobut 2 months now, and I adore him. I have never felt this way about anyone before. It is really great to have finally allowed myself to get close to someone...it is the first time, and he is my first love. I do not know where it wil lead in the long run, but it sure is good to finally have taken the risk to allow someone in. I don't know if I could ever feel this way about a woman. So far, I have not.

Thanks again.

LanceC


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