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#51532 - 05/29/05 05:29 AM do you love me yet?
puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 129
Loc: earth
i think as far back as i can remember i was alwayws looking for my dads approval. my brother was a great athlete. my sister was really smart. and i was just....well.....me. i guess being quite a lot younger than my siblings, most of the attention got focused on them. which is why, in the beginning, i thought that our 'special time' together was great. i dont remember how old i was. probably 5 or 6. too young to know what was going on, too young to know that it was wrong.

in 7th grade, the second week of school, my teacher started talking to us about abuse. it was a week before my 12th birthday. i remember that day like it was yesterday. i remember what she was wearing. i remember the sinking feeling in my stomach as she started to talk about bad touching. though i dont recall the details of what she was saying, i came to the devastating realization that other kids didnt have 'special time' with their dads like i did. everything became a blur. my thoughts, my feelings, my happiness, my entire little world was turned upside down and shattered into a million pieces.

the days turned into weeks. i didnt tell. i didnt tell anyone. i couldnt. i knew that i was so very different from other kids. but when it was just the two of us, i had his approval. i had his love.

as i got a bit older my 'willingness' to participate quickly turned to resistence. but it didnt matter. i didnt matter. and i never did win his approval. or his love. now at 19 i still wonder. though he isnt a part of my life and never will be again, i still find myself wondering if he ever cared. if he ever felt bad. if he ever loved me. if he was ever proud of me. i dont know why i care. but i do. these are the things i think about when i lay in bed at night. i drive myself crazy, just wondering. wondering if he loves me yet. and ill never know.

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pUpPy

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#51533 - 05/29/05 06:58 AM Re: do you love me yet?
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
I think abuse by a parent has got to be one of the hardest things to endure. The betrayal goes so much beyond the trust, it is betrayal of the love and nurturing that is our birthright. Having been abused by my mother, I still miss the love I wanted as a child. But I will never have that child's need fulfilled. For this we can only grieve.

I have come to realize that only I can begin to replace that huge loss by nuturing and loving myself - by healing the loss - recovery isn't about recovering what I lost, it's about recovering me from what was done to me as a child.

I'm so worry for what your birth parent did to you. He was not capable of being your Father. You deserved better.

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#51535 - 05/30/05 10:55 PM Re: do you love me yet?
eyesopen Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/26/05
Posts: 10
Loc: New England
puppy,

it is hard to endure. the after affects can be very painful and multi-layered, so they are hard to to deal with.

it can take time to heal, but it is worth it. you are fortunate in that you are pretty young to start working on all this. i wish you good luck and quick healing.

w

_________________________
Only in growth, reform, and change paradoxically enough, is true security to be found.

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

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#51536 - 06/02/05 08:30 PM Re: do you love me yet?
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
You were dealt a very difficult paradoxical choice: accept the abuse and retain what you thought was your father's love and acceptance, or reject it and lose that love. That's a mind-scrambling choice to force a child into. Though my mother wasn't overtly abusive, I had to deal with the emotional incest which is very similar. It really stinks.

Love does NOT mean that a parent uses his child for his own gratification - that's one of the most selfish and twisted ways to treat a child. He was sick - that doesn't excuse his actions, but it does make it more understandable what happened, right?

But, there's probably still a part of you that will love him - because he WAS your father. That's the paradox that we have to deal with as adults - trying to make sense of how we feel with all of these conflicting emotions.

I hope I've made some sense.

Sophiesdad

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#51537 - 06/02/05 11:27 PM Re: do you love me yet?
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Puppy, I never get over thinking that, if I had just been different, he would have loved me and he wouldn't have done those things to me. I'll never understand what about me made him think I was so worthless that he could use me that way. I believed the things he said to me about my worthlessness and have spent a lifetime trying to overcome them. He was a horrible, selfish man masquerading as a wonderful father and a wonderful person. Only I knew better.

And yet, to this day, (I'm 60, only slightly older than you are \:\) ) the thing I want and need most in this world is his love. It is a basic need of every child and the lack of it leaves an emptiness that never goes away, and I'll never understand why he couldn't love me. I had assumed that was a basic need of every father. It was for me. Maybe he did, I keep telling myself. Maybe he was just too sick to stop himself from doing those things. Maybe someone abused him and he was just acting out.

And I'm learning not to question, but to go on, to know that I'll never know if he loved me, or why he didn't, or why he did those horrible things to me. I don't think he was ever actually physically mean to me. He never beat me or threw me around like has happened so many here. The things he did were painful, but not hitting painful.

See how I still try to make it all right? See how I still need my Daddy to love me? We'll get over it, Puppy. We'll be strong, and we'll understand the things we can't change, and eventually we'll build a wall around that hole where his love should have been, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop trying to fill it.

We love you here, kid...from a safe distance, and we'd fill the void if we could...because, even though we'd give anything not to be able to...we understand.

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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