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#51481 - 05/29/05 04:37 AM what i gotta do
demonboi Offline
Member

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 228
Loc: East Coast


_________________________
Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion

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#51482 - 05/29/05 06:42 AM Re: what i gotta do
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
sometimes protecting others is a pretty intense feeling because it grows out of our sense that we failed to protect ourselves from our SA or even to make our inner child feel safe now.

what i have learned is that what my loved ones really need is for me to heal. As I work on my recovery, I find that there is more of me to give to them, I am more clear about where I am coming from, and I set better boundaries with my loved ones.

I found that my intense need to protect and rescue is more about me, then about them.

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#51484 - 05/29/05 11:18 PM Re: what i gotta do
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Demonboi
A lot of therapist use something called the Victim Triangle, it's got the point at the bottom with 'victim' on it, above that on the other points are 'saviour' and 'agressor'

The theory is we all, that's everyone not just CSA survivors, go through all these points in our behaviours, but one is usually stronger than the others and generally our starting point.

People who have suffered trauma often have 'saviour' as their strong point, especially after we've made the decision to sort ourselves out.
It's something I see in many people here, not just the Mod's but even guys who are new to MS.

We've 'lived' through trauma, and we live with the effects every day. So it's no surprise that we are keener than most people to help others from suffering like we have, and still do.
There's nothing wrong with being a 'saviour' - but there are risks, but it has to be said there are ( possibly greater ) risks if we have 'victim' or 'agressor' as our strong points on the triangle.

The big risk of being a 'saviour' is burnout from neglecting ourselves, and it's something that we need to be very aware of.
If we are aware of burnout then we can do something about it, like share the build up of problems with someone else. This is how therapists and counsellors work. If they listened to everyones problems day in - day out and kept it all to themselves then in no time at all they'd burnout throuhg the overload of other peoples problems.
What we do is spread the load, we pass all our accumulated 'problems' ( from the clients ) on to our supervisors, and they pass theirs on to their supervisors, and so on. That way everyone gets a chance to unload, and check that they're doing the right thing.

That can work for anyone, if you're helping your sister and family then SHARE the problems with someone else. There's no need for names to be mentioned, just the outline of the problems encountered.
Spread the load, ease your pressure. You'll find that being a 'saviour' is a lot easier, and it's a good point on the triangle to be at.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#51485 - 05/30/05 12:17 AM Re: what i gotta do
demonboi Offline
Member

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 228
Loc: East Coast
i see what your saying, so its like; don't keep everyhting bottled up inside?

_________________________
Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion

Top
#51486 - 05/30/05 01:20 AM Re: what i gotta do
dan_in_newengland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/01
Posts: 162
Loc: Mass
kev ?
you nailed it !!!!

keep it up

Dan


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#51488 - 05/30/05 01:15 PM Re: what i gotta do
sabooka Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 209
Loc: I would like to know also
Nyjah I have felt the same way all my life. I always would help or defend or protect everyone else except my self. I failed my schooling because I would help others but never do the work myself. I think we are always helping others and protecting others because it is easier that doing it for our selves.

The crazy thing about it is that once I said that it was me who had to be protected and saved and helped I started to realize that the others were not asking for my help. I realized that I was doing for others what I wanted someone to do for me.

The other truth is that it is good to want to help and protect others and that is part of who we are. You should be proud of yourself. I have read some of your other posts and I think you are a very strong and brave person. I have a lot of faith that you will be able to help a lot of people in your life but for now you should concentrate on yourself.
good luck.

_________________________
My happiness is not dependant on other people's misery.

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#51489 - 05/30/05 01:44 PM Re: what i gotta do
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Nyjah,

I agree. I am like that also. A good brother here told me something that stays with me. I am very protective of the young relatives in my life and my brother told me that maybe u feel like this because u wish u had someone to protect u.

So true. Thought I would give u an example: I am a big guy 6' 2" tall. My niece introduced me to her guy friend. I shook his hand with a stong grip and looked directy in the eyes and told him and said "U treat her good, right" He didn't say anything. If they mess with her they mess with me. I am a non-violent person and I settle things thing with words, but he doesn't know that and I didn't tell him.

I got my point across to him and that is all I needed to do.

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#51490 - 05/30/05 11:19 PM Re: what i gotta do
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
i see what your saying, so its like; don't keep everyhting bottled up inside?
Dan's right, "you nailed it"

And Kev has it 'nailed' as well.

Dave ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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