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#5140 - 08/14/03 09:12 PM Letter at abuser, maybe is trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am hoping this post stay where I post it this time. Still do not know what happened to my last post.

I will have occasion to have to see the person who sexually abused me, will have to see him October 3. It is not private, it is not one to one thing, it will be at sport competition. But, since I leave of training with him, when I see him at competitions, he make a point always to say rude things at me, or to even touch me. This will not happen again.

I write letter at him. I do not know where feelings of it come from, because they are not as I feel. I write it somehow as someone strong, who not longer has fear of him, even though I do. I write it as I have no worries of him, that he not total change my life and character and make me scared and panic and lose of sleep. I not let him know what he still does at me, how I always still have his voice in head, how I still smell him when I train, how I still feel what he did at me in the dreams and the flashbacks and the body memories. I do not tell him that I cut and burn myself for him, or that I try kill myself for him. I not tell him that to be sick from memories of him make me so sick I go in hospital two times. I not tell him of how much my life he takes of me, how much of what maybe would be now. Because, all that not matter, right? Beside of that, I not want to give him more to use against of me. I not want him to know that he still scares sh*t out of me, wake or sleep, and to work so much of this make me sick.

So instead, somehow, there are words in it, of 'you do not win this', 'you not hurt me again', 'you will pay'. How he will pay? I do not have courage to speak of it to authorities. But I do decide that it will happen. When I am some better of this and stronger of this, he will pay, because I will tell of this. It is not meaningless threat I tell at him, I do mean that I do that someday.

And I send it at him, I sent it today. So that he will know that when he see me in few months, it will not be 'same old sh*t'. He talk at me, he will be sorry. He touch me, he will be more sorry. I will not be stupid, I will not make trouble of myself because of him. But he will not like how I do react at him.

And I send it at someone else. I send copy of letter at another person, someone I used to train with, who is still with him. I say that I do not know that these things happen at him, but that they happened at me, and maybe it explain some things at him. This is not someone I am close friends of, we know each other long time and even now, we talk some, but is not so much. But I send it at him also, because it is maybe it happens at him also, and I want him to know that I know of it, that he can talk at me if need.

This is it. This is what I do, where I am. I DO things to help me now, I tell more people of this, I get on medicines, I go with therapist. I work at it, I do the books, I talk more of it some. I am NOT letting it just go by, I AM taking responsibility of it, to make it better, to fix it, to take back control.

So, when does it get easier?

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#5141 - 08/14/03 10:14 PM Re: Letter at abuser, maybe is trigger
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Leosha:
Look at http://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer3.htm and work on your letter. It is better to do the letter to a perpetrator when you have thought it out and have goals for a possible confrontation. You can still work on a letter to him even though you sent one already.

Good luck.
Ken


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#5142 - 08/15/03 02:33 AM Re: Letter at abuser, maybe is trigger
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Leosha,

I am not sure when it gets any easier. I do know that every day I keep on healing it gets just a little easier. Give you self time my friend. Healing from sexual abuse can take a life time. We are some of the youngest members here on the board, here at the healing cycle. We are starting so young compaired to the guys that do not start to heal tell they are in their 30's and 40's or later. Give your self time is the best advice I can give you. As far as your letter I would listen to Ken. When writing a letter to your perp you must be careful.


lots of love, Nathan


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#5143 - 08/15/03 09:37 AM Re: Letter at abuser, maybe is trigger
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

Maybe it is better now. Now you do things. You take charge of your life. You make yourself recover.

Other things will get better, too. It takes time, maybe much time. But they will get better.

I am glad that you do this work. I am glad that you tell us about it. You are strong, and you will win. When I see you do the hard work, I know I can work and win, too.

Read the article that Ken mentioned. The articles on malesurvivor.org are good.

Thanks for sharing,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#5144 - 08/15/03 08:12 PM Re: Letter at abuser, maybe is trigger
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Leosha
Is there someone you can trust who will be at the competition with you, your new trainer or a fellow competitor maybe ?
They don't have to know the full story, but if they know you have serious problems with this guy who abused you they could be a good support for you.

The letter writing article Ken recommended is good, and have a look at some of the other letters that some guys have posted here as well.

I hope you do well on the day, in everything.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#5145 - 08/15/03 11:57 PM Re: Letter at abuser, maybe is trigger
theduke Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/29/03
Posts: 5
Loc: central usa
hey leosha let it fly where the shit has to hit the fan so be it. I don't get the chance that you will get as my abuser is dead, which is fitting I guess. But let it out at this SOB and stand your ground as you are a person of higher standards and a better person than this asshole!!!!!!!!! sincerly theduke

_________________________
the duke

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#5146 - 08/16/03 12:14 PM Re: Letter at abuser, maybe is trigger
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Leosha listen to all your brothers here. They have good advice for you. Look at what Ken was talking about. Remember one thing Leosha you are no longer alone. We are all with you and you need to know that.

When Does it Get Better?

I think it is starting to already for you. You are in control. Think of it. You control your destiny and you control the future of that asshole. It is a great feeling isnt it. I mean you can tell whenever you want and to whoever you want. I think the knowledge of that will scare the shit out of your perp.

Man you have it now. Control!!!

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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