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#51290 - 12/27/03 03:16 AM Training center taken back
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
So finally, after being gone for almost 6 years, I went back to the training center where most of the sexual abuse occurred. Where he still trains other athletes (none under age 18 anymore though). Where one of my students is preparing for national competition (not training with HIM of course). Where how many others had been hurt also? Anyway, of the times I have been back home, never before have I gone near there. I am on a mission of 'reclaiming' parts of my life now, and decided that this visit home, I would 'reclaim' this other part of my life.

So, with permission of the manager, I was able to work some with my student there. It was so strange, seeing it again, seeing his office again, seeing him there, marching around so importantly. So much of me felt like a child again, a scared child. There was absolutely nothing for me to be afraid of there, and still I felt that fear, like I was entering some dangerous jungle or something.

Anyway, he was there, he knew I was there, and I know he was very surprised by it. He made a point to be watching us working, even though he pretended not to. But he was watching. I worked some with A and was also able to do a short amount of skating also, to be able to feel myself on THAT ice again, that which he tainted so much to me. And it did work some. I was able to not look so scared of it all. I was able to be 'together' of things. I even did some good jumps, including one jump combination that I KNOW he saw, one that I had never even done before, haha. (And of course, acted like i did that all the time! oh yes, if I could always jump like that, I would be still competitive skater!)

Anyway, it was another time of 'reclaiming', something I am trying so hard to do right now. I think mostly it went well. I did 'fall apart' some yesterday, just have been working hard at maintaining so much, but with being tired, and sick, and the emotions of being home (even for short time), I think just got best of me. But I am still here.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#51291 - 12/27/03 04:07 AM Re: Training center taken back
unknownsoldier Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/03
Posts: 105
Loc: Northwest
Leosha,

good to meet you. I'm impressed that you went back there, it sounds like you had a terrible time there before, and its really strong of you to face it again. That must have been really empowering for you.

Jim


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#51292 - 12/27/03 09:48 AM Re: Training center taken back
Tribear Offline
Member

Registered: 11/09/03
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Leosha,

It was very brave just to go back and try. But I see something even larger than that.

Reclaims are one of the hardest things to do. If we can't, we can't, each reclaiming attempt is however it must be for each of us.

But, you could not have come away feeling like you do unless you were actually healing, and very deep inside. You are getting better, you're work is paying off. This is very good news.

I know it is not a straight line. I know that other things still plague you. But in time, I really see the evidence that you will conquer those too.

I'm happy for you, and wish you continued good reclaims. It is YOUR life, and that rat bas**** of a coach could not take it away from you forever.

Regards,

Tribear


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#51293 - 12/27/03 10:12 AM Re: Training center taken back
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
\:D \:D \:D

You have grown much, Brother Leo.

You have reclaimed part of yourself and you showed that ratb@$t@rd (I like that word, Tribear!) that you were more powerful than he'll EVER be!

More importantly, you yet again proved how much you've grown and that's the prime reason I am so damn proud of you!

Keep on keeping on, my Russian brother!

Peace and love, \:D

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#51294 - 12/27/03 11:48 AM Re: Training center taken back
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Good for you Leosha. What a great way to celebrate the holiday season. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#51296 - 12/27/03 01:12 PM Re: Training center taken back
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
Leosha, It is so good to see the progress you are making, and the ability to take control of your life and move on that you are showing.

Every step you take gives you the strength and courage to take more, take more risk, and gives you the strength to persevere even when a risk has negative results.

Congratulations, and keep up the good work. And never quit skating. Both for the joy it brings you and others.

BT

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

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#51297 - 12/27/03 07:22 PM Re: Training center taken back
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Leosha

Quote:
There was absolutely nothing for me to be afraid of there, and still I felt that fear, like I was entering some dangerous jungle or something.
It's a jungle allright, and 'Leo the Lion' is King of that jungle. \:D

Great stuff Leosha, you must have felt SOOOOOO good !

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#51298 - 12/27/03 10:28 PM Re: Training center taken back
bountiful1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 60
Loc: New York, New York, USA
Dear Leosha!

In the short time that I have had the honour of getting to know you, I continue to be so moved by your honesty, decency, and most especially your courrage.

I am so happy for you. That you did that. That you experienced strength in & from the doing of it. I am so emotional for you. You have really moved me. I hold our pms very close to my heart - my brother in skating! I feel pride at getting to know you.

I know the rink where we trained is such a big place in our lives. (I spent 5 to 7 hours a day there - I'm sure it was the same for you). That place is yours to skate in. It is etched in it's ice surface. You! Your beautiful skating! Your adges! Your landings! Your footwork! I am just so happy for you!!! That you have re-claimed that place that has felt the beauty of your skating on it's ice! That place is your place.

I am over the moon with feeling for your triumph! Yippee!!!...

as always,

Asher

_________________________
We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and I dream of freedom and happiness and fulfillment for us all.

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#51299 - 12/28/03 05:07 PM Re: Training center taken back
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
I am so proud of you, you made a huge step forward. I still avoid the places I was abused like the plague, but I am glad you were able to reclaim the training center. I am glad your coach saw you there too, shows him he is no longer in control of you, shows him your life is your own now, not his to mess with. I am so proud of you, and am so happy for what you have accomplished, I know it wasn't easy, must have been pretty scary, but you made it through, and now you own the control over that place, no longer do your coach's actions control the training center for you, you did great.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#51300 - 12/29/03 09:47 AM Re: Training center taken back
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

When you posted about going there, I knew you would do it. You have a tenacity about your recovery that is inspiring.

Thank you again for a wonderful display of grace under pressure.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#51301 - 12/29/03 06:28 PM Re: Training center taken back
Thomas Offline
Member

Registered: 07/31/03
Posts: 109
Loc: boise
Leosha,

Fantastic! I am truly happy, excited, and proud to be part of the same board you are on. Your growth, courage, and yes, healing encourage me on my path. Not to mention what it does for you!

Tom

_________________________
To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. - Robert Louis Stevenson

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#51302 - 12/30/03 12:45 PM Re: Training center taken back
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Leosha
What super great news,You make my spirit sore like the eagle with the winds of joy. This is the first post I read after being gone for a month and it is so good to see that my friend has made such a positive move in his recovery.
Keep those skates on it will help in your healing.

Leosha Like you I also returned to the site of my abuse. I had a change to visit the basement of the Rectory. More on that later in my post. Tom Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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