Newest Members
Green_Lantern, Safe11ride, WillWins, neophiliac, Jerone
12118 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
archie chisholm (61), Carlos418 (37), courtney (52), kurotake (55), lostsoul (63), Lukesgirl (28), michael banks (2014), Steffon (42)
Who's Online
5 registered (Cam76, CafeMan, dragon, 2 invisible), 53 Guests and 11 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12118 Members
73 Forums
62512 Topics
438095 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#5107 - 09/11/02 09:18 PM the hardest things: sadistic fantasies/arousal, sexual dysfunction
RecoveringRyan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/11/02
Posts: 28
Loc: new york state
I am a new registrant and I am grateful that I have found this board. Reading through some of the postings has been difficult but validating.

I have been needing for some time to express some of the more difficult parts of my recovery in a safe setting where I would not be ridiculed or misunderstood.

I have 2 extremely difficult problems that I can barely focus my mind on or admit, and acceptance without shame and full conscious integration are remote.

The first is sexual disfunction. Although I've had sex successfully many times, I've also had every type of dysfunction--secondary impotence, premature ejaculation and ejaculatory incompetence--at one time or another, and in one situation or another. I'm also sexually passive: I can't initiate sex, although I can hint around about it and work the situation towards it, but I can't actually start the sexual act. I think part of the reason why this has been so difficult for me is because of the humiliations that I suffered at the hands of a couple of different women during one-night stands or brief encounters: "What's the matter? Can't get it up?" And, "Oh, no wonder. I know why..." And having no ability to feel humiliated consciously so that it eventually goes away, but instead deny and forget it.

Second, I am most aroused either in masturbational fantasies or in person by sadistic acts. I've never humiliated anyone, but humiliating them is what would most excite me, and instead I've had less arousing sex.

Does anybody have any experience or insights with these problems?

Does anybody know of any books, articles, or postings (I used the search function on this site but didn't seem to find anything) that contain first-hand accounts of people having these problems and recovering from them?

The best resources I have found to date are [Private Thoughts] and _The Sexual Healing Journey_ by Wendy Maltz, and _Human Sexual Inadequacy_ by Masters and Johnson.

I know that going to a therapist would be a good thing to do, but I'm not ready to talk about this in person yet, so if anybody could help me through this forum I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks so much,
Ryan


Top
#5108 - 09/11/02 11:51 PM Re: the hardest things: sadistic fantasies/arousal, sexual dysfunction
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
Welcome Ryan. This is a good place to talk and begin to feel comfortable airing your pain. The good news is that you are not at all alone with your dysfunction. I have been plagued by it my whole sexual life. I was abused at 13, and my first consensual sexual encounter, at 15, ended in a humiliating lack of ability. Since then there's been some success, a fair amount actually. And as many if not more awful experiences where nothing happened. And sex, no matter what, is always an anxious experience for me. I NEVER instigate. Not even after ten years with my wife. Pathetic huh? The bad news is that I have found no magic cure for this. Though Viagra does help.

I began therapy for the first time only six months ago and it's made a great difference. I really don't think this journey can be made alone. Talking about it was not only easier than I feared, but a relief beyond my dreams. I highly reccommend it. In the meantime, hopefully you can take some solace in the knowledge that you are truly not alone. And you have friends here.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

Top
#5109 - 09/11/02 11:53 PM Re: the hardest things: sadistic fantasies/arousal, sexual dysfunction
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
...and check your private messages.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

Top
#5110 - 09/12/02 02:52 AM Re: the hardest things: sadistic fantasies/arousal, sexual dysfunction
RecoveringRyan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/11/02
Posts: 28
Loc: new york state
ARW,

Thanks for your reply. It is extremely helpful to read your postings, because I have been isolated in shame with this problem for 2 years now, consciously, and for many years before that unconsciously.

I do not think you are pathetic, although I certainly understand the feeling. I think part of the problem that I have initiating is because it's difficult and unnatural for me to feel desire and do it, in general, and with sex. I am dependent on routines, rules, what's right, and in my soul I don't really fully experience desire, and if I do, I feel way too selfish and evil acting it out.

It's really hard for me to believe that being sexually abused and my abusive and strict parents really could be the cause for my sexual problems. I secretly think that I'm trying to get out of accepting that I'm the problem, that there's just something wrong with me.

Admitting this has been extremely difficult, as well, because, for me, it cuts to the core of my being a man and a human being. I just feel lesser than everybody else, not good enough. Am I as much of a man? As much of a human being? Rhetorical questions, I know, but THE SHAME!! I am reminded of Marlon Brando saying "The horror!" at the end of Apocalypse Now, only with me it's also "The shame!"

Also, I fear the contemptous look and reaction from my sexual partner the next time it happens. Now, it's "The horror!" Dread. I am so humiliated and I have such a hard time dealing with it, by feeling it consciously without denying it.

Another complexity in my own sexual history is that I once dated a woman who had vaginismus (I think that's what it's called), anyway, she froze up whenever she got close to having sex. She would really want to, but her vagina wouldn't open. She was very frustrated with this and asked me to help her open up by forcing my penis inside her. Not realizing the longterm emotional consequences for myself, I agreed to try. I tried several times and failed, and she got frustrated and criticized me. Eventually, I got it, and she supposedly has had a happier sex life since. But I can't get the dread of not being able to get it in there out of my mind, and the humiliation, again.

It is interesting because we both are able to have sex sometimes. Do you have any idea what the differences are between when you are able to and when not? I think (hope) for me they are things like guilt, anxiety, disgust and embarassment. They've happened in situations where I've felt guilty having sex. And I've felt anxious--does this person like me? will I be a good enough sexual partner? will my performance be good enough? will she like me afterward? is my penis big enough? is it hard enough? All of these anxieties are low self-esteem. Then comes my unconscious disgust: with my own body, with my own desire (especially when my sadistic tendencies are taken into consideration), with ejaculate, with vaginas, with vaginal fluid, with vaginal scent, with sexual motions, with the idea of sex. And I'm embarassed to take my clothes off. I don't like my body, it's shape, I'm never fit enough, my skin is too pale--I don't even like women whose skin is like my color.

Are you noticing any improvement from therapy, in addition to greater comfort with the subject?

Ryan


Top
#5111 - 09/12/02 06:14 AM Re: the hardest things: sadistic fantasies/arousal, sexual dysfunction
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Hi Ryan,

Welcome to the site. Talking about this stuff here will probably help you a lot. It has sure helped me. So great to have a place like this to talk freely with other men about such problems. This seems like a good to again recommend a favorite book of mine. "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw.

Sounds to me like you have really disowned your sexual identity. The sexual part of your "self". Also sounds like there is a lot of shame about sex in general, let alone about specifics like fantasies and performance. Recognizing it is the first step. Talking about it is the next step and that will help enormously. People have all kinds of various fantasies and I suspect yours are "normal" for you. And who's to say what's normal? What is normal for you may not be normal for the next person. The more you accept this part of yourself and let yourself indulge these fantasies while masturbating, the less power they will hold over you.

I think talking with a therapist about this stuff will help a lot, provided you find a therapist experienced in dealing with abuse survivors and a broad ranging, accepting, and most of all a non-judgemental attitude about sex. The more you are able to integrate your sexual nature into your life, the better you will feel.

I struggled a lot with many of the issues you mentioned at the end of your last post. It took some time (and practice, which started out awkwardly but got pretty fun!) and effort but I think I developed a very healthy attitude toward sex. Your feelings and anxieties about sex are very common among survivors and a normal response to sexual abuse. I assure you that this is the root cause of your sexual problems and that there is nothing "wrong" with you or who you are.

You have already undertaken one of the most difficult tasks of getting help; sharing it with others. You are reaching out for help and that's great! Keep talking to us here, find a good therapist, work on accepting yourself and the beautiful gift of sexuality and you will do just fine. I really believe that.

Roy


Top
#5112 - 09/12/02 06:17 AM Re: the hardest things: sadistic fantasies/arousal, sexual dysfunction
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
FYI: The statistical average length of the American penis is 5 3/4 inches. Does that help?


Top
#5113 - 09/12/02 12:56 PM Re: the hardest things: sadistic fantasies/arousal, sexual dysfunction
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ryan
I thought I was reading a post about my sex life, it was so uncanny.

I was abused by males, but I still have deep problems, even after 28 years of marriage to a sexy lady. Slowly I'm convincing her to initiate sex, but she feels a bit wary incase it triggers feelings of my abuse.
But I was also trained by my abusers to initiate sex with them. A good beating and rape by a gang of older boys made me do exactly what they wanted.

So sex has all kinds of mixed feelings for me still. I consider myself well recovered in a lot of ways, but this is the last big hurdle for me.
When we do have sex I use positions where we have very little body contact and I rarely kiss.
Like so many others I'm haunted by memories of my abuse when having sex, I turned them into fantasies to escape them. Always the same kind of thing with me in the "humiliated role" - giving another man oral sex.
They took over and I acted out.

The "cure" if you could call it that, for me was drastic. I just cut sex out of my life as much as I could.
The fantasies have faded a lot, although they still occur. But they no longer work as well now. Certainly not when having sex with my wife, I feel it's a betrayal, and before I can stop fantasising I'm as limp as a wet rag.
In fact I'm pleased to announce that I had a fantasy about the pretty young girl who works behind the bar where I drink. That's progress as far as I'm concerned. ;\)
( but is that fantasy any better or worse ? after all fantasy is just thinking about what you might never have. I suppose the difference is I did have my old fantasy, and it was the worst thing ever )

Our sex life is improving slowly, I am learning to kiss and touch more and discovering it's alright to do so. Although I still have great problems asking my wife to try something, change position, or if she likes what I'm doing.
that goes back to the abuse again, the main perp liked me to talk and say things about the sex. It's still in my mind, I can hear myself suggesting different positions to get it in further, asking him what he wanted me to do. Something a 12 yo boy shouldn't know.
Something a 49 yo man can't forget.

And Roy, you guys over there manage with 5 3/4 inches - wow !! \:D ;\)
But hey, if it fits it's ok.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#5114 - 09/12/02 01:25 PM Re: the hardest things: sadistic fantasies/arousal, sexual dysfunction
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
As I wrote that last part, somehow I knew Lloydy would have something to say about it! :rolleyes: Maybe if the colonists had been something other than British, the number would be higher. :p :p :p


Top
#5115 - 09/12/02 05:49 PM Re: the hardest things: sadistic fantasies/arousal, sexual dysfunction
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
"ouch"

Lloydy \:o

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#5116 - 09/12/02 06:39 PM Re: the hardest things: sadistic fantasies/arousal, sexual dysfunction
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
and I would highly recommend the Bradshaw. Highly.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.