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#50914 - 03/07/03 02:36 PM please make the pain stop..........
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
Yesterday i had a very encouraging therapy session after a pretty upsetting meeting with my psychiatrist.....i left the office feeling hopeful that i might actually be making progress in therapy...then last night i just started crying uncontrollably....i'm still crying uncontrollably today, right in front of people, i just cannot stop....there is just so much pain inside that bearing it seems intolerable.....how do i go from feeling hope to the wrath of despair clutching my bottle of heart pills i keep to end things....there was no external stimuli to make me crash....WHAT CAUSES THIS EXCRUCIATING PAIN????? it just hurts so much inside......i just cannot control it or bear it....how do i make it STOP????????????......without committing suicide...........michael


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#50915 - 03/07/03 02:46 PM Re: please make the pain stop..........
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
michael, you are getting through it. That is the hard part. We want to be able to go around it, or under it etc. but we have to go through it.

I have always heard that it is really good that we can feel and feel strongly the various feelings
we have. So, in naming your feelings and rageing about the vicious, sick things done to us is getting well.

I hate it that you or any of us have to go through the darned pain. But I guess it is like lancing a boil, we need to get the puss out.

Hang in there michael, the more you feel it and let it burst out the better you are.

Good for you michael--it is great to see you getting that crap out of you. Give yourself some kind of gift, buy something you have wanted, but do something to celebrate you getting the puss out.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#50916 - 03/07/03 03:43 PM Re: please make the pain stop..........
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
I cry a lot 2 now. but i feel better after a good cry. and i don't hide wat happened i just let it out

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#50917 - 03/07/03 04:10 PM Re: please make the pain stop..........
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I had a breakthrough with my T about a month ago. The wonderful breakthrough triggered the feelings of uselessness in me.

"I cannot succeed, every good thing is swamped by a bad thing, etc." I have been struggling with acting out since.

This is a fucked up and particularly infuriating part of my recovery, maybe yours too, Michael? We get to a good point and something says "make it stop." Like mines left behind from a war, we land on them and they blow us apart.

Well, as my t says, see them for what they are. They are the part of you that is accustomed to feeling bad, and it doesn't want to feel good. It makes this part very uncomfortable.

What has worked for me (and I hope it might for you, too)? Try to make friends with that feeling. Tell it you know what it is trying to do. It wants the best for you. It is just freaking out because it doesn't want you to get hurt. Tell it everything is ok, you respect its desire to help, but right now, it isn't helping. Can't we just get along? Be stern if you have to. Tell it you want to be friends but you won't if it continues to hurt you.

I hope this is of some help.

Peace,
James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#50918 - 03/07/03 07:30 PM Re: please make the pain stop..........
cog Offline
Member

Registered: 01/10/03
Posts: 42
Michael,
I have had spells of crying where it just was so bad it is hard to explain. It didn't feel therapuetic and it would go on forever and I would feel the cloud of doom raining pain and anguish upon me. Those ugly raw emotions are overwhelming and it seems to sound similar to what you are describing.
I can tell you what I do when these moments overtake me. I talked to my Family Doctor about it, and he prescribed Valium for me. I only take it when the worst anxiety attacks comes to me and about 5mg does the trick for me. I cannot say that it will help you, but for me usually withing 15 minutes the doom cloud passes and the devastation clears and I can be calm and feel ok. I can be functional (to the extent that my current condition allows) again. Mind you, this isn't curative; the attacks keep coming back -- but for me, it sure beats the exhaustion from feeling horrible and crying for hours with no letup. I am just sharing what has worked for me. If it helps you, even better.


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#50919 - 03/07/03 07:31 PM Re: please make the pain stop..........
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Michael
I remember driving back from my therapy and having to stop because I was crying and shaking so much, and not only then.
But I believe it's 'good' crying, it's the release of all the crap we carried for far too long.

It might not seem that way right now, but I think most of us would say it's something we need to do.

I didn't cry when I was being abused, not even in secret because the boarding school hardly gave us any chance for being alone. ( the only time 'alone' I had became their time )
I contained all my crying until I started my therapy, and I was 45 yo by then. I've made up for it since then.
In a perverse way I now enjoy feeling my pain, because I know I'm releasing it.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#50920 - 03/07/03 09:42 PM Re: please make the pain stop..........
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
michael

Sometimes when this happens to me the pain is so intense and hurts so bad nothing, nothing can even come close to describing it. One thing I've always found to be true is that it does pass or go away for awhile or at least reduce in its ferousious intensity.

Some things to keep in mind:

sometimes these experiences are like having a flashback, they seem so real. it's like allowing the feelings to happen consciencely for the first time since the trauma happened. it is actually a healing process the brain does to express itself and let the pain go finally - in many cases, for the first time.

when we were being abused we often couldn't handle the overwhelming pain and emotional shock of the trauma, so it got buried, but not forgotten by our brains. letting it out now is the only way to start/continue the healing process.

as bad as it hurts, it is 'only' a feeling. one hell of mf'ing train wreck of feeling but is different from actually being a boy/young man in the midst of being sexually or otherwise abused. in other words, as children we couldn't deal with it all, as adults we are better able to cope with and make sense of it. (did i write that last sentence? maybe i'm better able to cope with the feelings, but making sense of it all... my jury is still out).

for me, at first when the gut wrentching 'i wanna die' pain and tears came, if i hadn't had people or in most cases a trained T with me, it would have been really dangerous. now, the only place i really let the pain out is with my T, it's the only truly safe avenue i have to do it in.

if it gets really bad, where it won't stop, call your T, your doc, local crisis line.
Quote:
it just hurts so much inside......i just cannot control it or bear it....how do i make it STOP????????????......without committing suicide
you CAN bear it. it just doesn't seem like you can right now. here are some fundemental truths imho: survivors of sexual and other abuses are immensely strong people, we have to be to have made to where we are now in life. we've made it this far, why give up now when the going gets rough? my T tells me and sometimes i hate him for it and wonder wtf i'm doing, that it'll get worse before it gets better. he's 110% convinced if i do my work i will get better, feel better and be able to live a better life. oh boy, trust and faith... in moments of dispair this place is a lifeline for me, if others can make it, then maybe i can too.

tears are good, they flush all sorts of garbage, physical and emotional, out of the body.

does it end? beats hell out of me. does it get easier dealing with the pain? yeah, for me it has.

wierd pararrel for us dude. my last pdoc meeting messed me up too. i only see him for med maintenance but he was like laying a guilt trip on me for asking for a medical leave from work, and for not being more functional. the bastard. i guess the almighty medical docs are human beings too, and have bad days eh?

hugs bro.

jer


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#50921 - 03/08/03 03:19 AM Re: please make the pain stop..........
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
Don't give up, that pain was unbearable for me this time last year, but its been gone now for months. I tried every kind of medication out there, and none of it put a dent in my pain. I know exactly how you feel right now. I still have bad feelings now and then and I'm still going to have to spend years working through this stuff, but the pain you are describing that I used to have is 95 percent gone. I worked on this stuff night and day for 4 1/2 years and for some reason, my crisis finally ended when I read a book about verbal abuse.

It doesn't make sense to me and I'm still trying to figure it out, but thats what happened. I know verbal abuse and sexual abuse go hand in hand, but I have no idea why getting a handle on the verbal abuse made real physical pain stop.

Don't give up, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'll add you to my prayer list.

Mo Healing


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#50922 - 03/08/03 01:39 PM Re: please make the pain stop..........
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Michaelb,

I hope this day is better for you. There are a lot of people here who feel for you. May the tears release the pain and bring relief soon.

Plese hang in there, Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#50923 - 03/09/03 03:15 PM Re: please make the pain stop..........
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
THANK YOU ALL so very much for your support......the last several days were nearly unbearable, but at least i'm not crying today....it was so weird, because i was feeling hopeful about my therapeutic progress.....then all of the sudden a ton of tears fell upon me and i could not stop them and did not know why it was happening.....i just felt such intense emotional pain, guess i still do, but at least i'm not balling at the gym or the grocery store like i was the past couple of days......

maybe the tears do wash things away....i know i had been very upset from a dream i have been having.....there are photos of myself at 4 or 5 performing oral sex on my uncle plastered all over the newspapers and i become frantic with shame/guilt/self-hatred......i am certain there are no existing photos, but during and after the dream, i feel such anxiety, like everybody in the world knows and that is terrifying for me.....plus seeing myself as such a little kid doing such things is quite upsetting.....sometimes i do not understand how i am enduring these things ..... it feels like they are happening to me right now......i wish they were happening now, because i would force him to kill me to keep me quiet.....

well, just wanted to thank you guys for the support and encouragement....IT HELPS.....take care.....michael


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