god i feel so sorry for all of us. is that a good thing? i've been crying myself to sleep the last couple nights, but i guess that's good for me, right? i love all you guys, but shit, we got the shitty end of life, didn't we? But we only have one life, and so that means that this is the best life we've ever had. So should we be depressed by that? Or should we make the best of it? I dunno, I'm a little drunk, but still feelin depressed. guess i'll go cry myself to sleep. heh, what a fucking loser i am.

...

god, i hurt.

goodnight.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
GOOD MORNING HARRY
YOUR SADNESS RESONATES IN MY BONES. THANK YOU FOR SHARING. WE CAN MAKE BETTER OF OUR LIVES FROM HERE ON. YOUR WORDS ARE THE WORDS OF A VERY PAINED AND TRAUMATIZED CHILD INSIDE ME. I STILL STRUGGLE WITH THE SCARS TOO. WHEN YOU SAID "GOD I HURT" I KNEW I WASN'T ALONE IN THESE FEELINGS. WHAT I HEAR YOU DOING IS SELF MEDICATING TO EASE THE PAIN. I MAY BE WRONG IN THIS BUT IT IS MY PERCEPTION THAT I OFFER TO YOU. I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR YOUR TAKE ON THIS. THE NEED TO SELF MEDICATE IS UNDERSTANDABLE. I PERCIEVE YOUR APPROACH TO BE RISKY BEHAVIOR BY BRINGING YOU MORE PAIN IN THE LONG RUN.
ANOTHER WAY TO SELF SOOTH IS SOMETHING YOU MIGHT CONSIDER EXPLORING. DO YOU SEE A THERAPIST? DO YOU HAVE A SUPPORT NETWORK OUTSIDE THIS PAGE? PART OF MY RECOVERY HAS BEEN ABOUT TELLING MY STORY OVER AND OVER. WHAT THIS HAS DONE FOR ME IS BREAK MY ISOLATION. HAVING A REAL LIFE WITNESS TO MY PAIN AND TEARS INSTEAD OF CRYING ALONE, WHICH DIDN'T SEEM TO CHANGE ANYTHING. IT WAS NOT A COMFORTABLE AT ALL IN THE BEGINNING AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH OPENING UP. THERE IS A SAYING IN RECOVERY "FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT". IN SURVIVORS OF INCEST ANONYMOUS THERE IS THE SAYING 'IF ANY ONE OF US CAN RECOVER THAN SO CAN ALL OF US". I THINK YOU ARE DOING GREAT WORK AND I DONT SEE ANY OF US AS A LOOSER. WE ARE JUST DOING THE BEST WE CAN TO THIS POINT. WE CAN SURVIVE THIS. I JUST DON'T THINK YOU'RE ABLE TO SEE THIS YET. I HAVE NO WONDER WHY YOU FEEL THIS WAY TODAY.


--------------------------------------------- be gentle with yourself Harry
-------------------------------------------------------------- RJD

[ August 31, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

I agree with everything RJD said. Self medicating doesn;t help, it just covers up the real problems and then when you stop you find out you didn;t get anywhere. I drank to cover up the paini and I slept around to cover it up too and avoid the real issues. Then when it;s done and you get tired of doing those things and want to fix your life you see that you didn;t get anywhere but were just covering it all up with drinking or sex or drugs or whatever.

Attitude is everything. You don;t get anywhere by sitting around being sad. What did you use to enjoy doing? Who did you like to be with? What changes do you have to make? It;s easier to say to do these things then it is to do them but its a start. I been thinking about what I did to get over the shame and start to enjoy life again, I;ll post that under another topic.

You gotta find lots of people to talk to too. Tell people your story and come here regularly. You find that people add lots and have insights and ideas that help so talk to anyone you trust. Are you married? Go to your wife for help. If not trust your best friend or someone in your family and talk to that person every single day, they can help and will give you ideas.Trust me on this, talking does help. People haev alot to add and have their own stories that help and sometimes you find the right person and they say something that just clicks. They ask questions that get you thinking. All of that helps.
Good luck to you brother.

[ August 31, 2001: Message edited by: big bear ]

Harry,

Drunk or not, it would be my opinion that you are not the loser that you claim to be. Rather, as a victim of sexual abuse, there are a lot of days when things don't make sense. Our reality has been distorted bit-time(what's real anyway?!), and when we look around at others and have the opinion that everyone else has his act together, we are left comparing ourselves with our perception of what's normal.

I've been on the planet more than fifty years and am only tonight daring to dig into my dark past to ask myself the question about whether or not my having been sexually abused at around age 4-5 might have anything to do with why I feel as though I'm not like anybody else I know. Oh sure, I have been a good actor for a lot of years. I have had a very successful career, I have a wonderful wife and three great (grown) kids. To all outward appearances, I'm making it in the world. And yet inside I sometimes feel as though the essence of who I am has been shattered...like a mirror breaking into a zillion pieces.

I live with conflicted feelings all the time, often feeling inadequate and like a square peg in a round hole. So you see, Harry, I can relate to your "feeling like shit." You're okay...really.

Thanks for having the courage to write, for you have given me the courage to take this first bold stop toward my own recovery.

dynamitedon