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#50784 - 05/27/05 05:18 PM Re: askin 4 help
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
People tell me all the time, we don't owe anything to our birth parents. I can't seem to get that through my head, but that's what they tell me. And if our parents weren't able to give us love back then when it should have been "easy", they're sure not going to be able to give us the love we're looking for now. They're a poisonous tree, and we're looking for a good apple to come off it. I know what you're saying though. There's that little kid in all of us that hopes that someday, somehow my mom or your dad is going to tell us what good boys we are and how much they love us. I wish it were true, but it's not going to happen. A man who had the nerve to hurt his little boy for life has no right to come back now and ask for you to love him and fill whatever void he's brought on himself. But that's my anger talking. You know what you want to do. I wouldn't blame Mike. He's having to deal with the same anger, and none of us knows what the "right thing to do" is.

It wasn't your fault, Kev. It was your birth dad's. You didn't do anything wrong. He has a real problem. He's the one who did things wrong. You were just a kid. Even now, you didn't make the phone call. He did. He's the one who drank and hit and is "wreckin the family". He's the one who brought all this sad stuff into the house. Let him be responsible for his own bad parenting. Blame him. It's OK. And I don't think anybody's going to get mad at you for bringing up that this guy is trying to contact you. They'll be mad at him, just as we all are.

Take care, Kev. I am so sad that you're having to deal with all this. And what is this talk??? You are not a fuckup! You're a guy doing the best that you can with the terrible cards you've been dealt. Reward yourself with things you like that aren't so harmful to the Kev we like.

Hang in there, bro.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#50785 - 05/27/05 08:46 PM Re: askin 4 help
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Hey Kev, you dont say how he knew you were in hospital. Who told him?

It is hard to imagine any parent damaging a kid, physically or mentally, and I know he leaves lifelong scars. You still have the capacity to love him, even though he did these things to you.

My dad loved me, but I took some beatings, maybe because I did bad things, and sometimes for things I didnt do, and I suppose that just drove me wild, so I got beat again. Maybe that is why you think it was your fault, because even though the kid wants to be good, he ends up being beaten because he is scared and fearful.

I dont agree with beating kids, it doesnt make them behave, it just angers them and they fall into despair that the parent dont love them.
It just ends up like a vicious circle with the kid fighting back the only way he knows because he is deeply hurt by someone who is meant to protect him.

You dont have to tell JT, but if you want him to know, then ask Mike to tell him, my guess is though that JT doesnt need more hurt and nor do you.

Hey, dog, JT wont think that Kev is ruining the family because he loves you like his own son, and he is a great guy.

I know you just want to run away from hurt, but anyone here who did it knows that it is not an option, and doing drugs is a one way street.

Youve got a load spinning around in your head right now.

I just thought about this one though, considering you are pretty open with JT, why not list all the fears you have, maybe discuss it with Charlie.

I remember that I had so many fears, and it just felt like hitting brick walls because I was just like trying to solve so many problems at once, and a lot of fears can be taken away, because a lot of them are not real, or can be explained.

The main thing is to not feel so sorry, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT - YOU ARE NOT GUILTY - DONT BLAME YOU.

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#50786 - 05/28/05 05:35 PM Re: askin 4 help
Charlie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 148
Your birth dad calling you in the hospital isn't your fault, bro. You should tell a grownup in your family and let them deal with this. They should be angry at the person who gave him the number. You're not the bad guy, your birth dad is. You don't deserve more pain!


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#50787 - 05/28/05 06:54 PM Re: askin 4 help
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
kevin,

I think you should think of this as a good thing. Yes. Then let it go.

Ten years is a long time. Things change. People change. They start things and they stop things.

They have new experience and a longer perspective. They think about what they've done, who they hurt, and one thing for sure, the longer you live, the more you have to regret and the more you understand what you SHOULD regret.

It may not be much, and it may not be enough, but he cared enough to call. You matter enough to call. You.

Someday maybe he will be strong enough to apologize to you. Maybe you will forgive him.

Talk to Mike, talk to JT. Get this out in the open. See if they agree that maybe this is a good sign.

See if you can imagine that this is his first way of telling you something good, something you want to hear.

Donald

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#50789 - 05/28/05 10:58 PM Re: askin 4 help
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kev, thats one prob down the drain, one less to worry about.

Telling means that it dont bother you, and it shouldnt, because it is not your prob.

Talking thru stuff is the best way to deal with issues, instead of bottling stuff up, and the cork flies out of the bottle,

congratulations, dog,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#50790 - 05/28/05 11:29 PM Re: askin 4 help
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Kev - my abuser was from outside of the family.

To me at first he seemed like some sort of protective Uncle or Big Brother that was looking out for me.

I was going to be a better man because of what he would teach me. He only wanted what was best for me & you know I believed him.

He felt like family at first (like one of the Uncles or Grandfathers that we had moved away from to get closer to my Fathers job).

I hid away in drinks, drugs for years - if I was out of it it hadn't happened! Right???

I'm taking my abuser to court now (1969 was year of abuse & I didn't deal with it then - didn't know how to).

Sometimes in my mind I still half think that this ******* did want to help me. Did want to make me a better man. That's just the confused 12 year old that's still insided my head trying to sort things out.

In reality he was a pure bastard that was only concerned with his own cheap thrills.

If someone wants your respect, they have to earn it - it doesn't matter whether they are blood realtives or not.

I wish my abuser had wanted to help me (instead of getting some cheap thrills for himself) - he didn't & will soon be history.

Your Dad - your heart and mind may tell you different things, but being a biological parent does not give you the right to do what the hell you want to that child. Real parents are the adults that truly nurture a child - those that neglect children give up all rights in relation to that child. If the neglectful adults situation or behaviour changes, then they have to earn respect again - they have no right to be recognised as parents if they have previously given up that role.

Hope this helps.

I still drink for pleasure (but not to excess or to drown things out). I don't do drugs, however if I go to Amsterdam (Holland), I don't mind tea & cakes.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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