Matt, it takes guts to stay, and to fight, as you have been.
You have guts, guts to write here and say what you are feeling, guts to ask questions instead of just accepting a horrible truth.
You have the guts to look pain in the eye, and not back down. Even as you feel like giving in, you haven't. THAT IS GUTS.
Someone somewhere said, "Courage isn't a lack of fear; courage is continuing when you are afraid."
Do not despair. You have courage.
And let the darkness fear our light.