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#50586 - 07/05/01 01:48 PM Need Some Advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


First, I want to thank everyone that kindly responded to my first post, I really appreciate your kind words. Now that I've been more open, and started talking about my incident, I have a few questions I hope you people can help me answer.

1. Is going to counseling absolutely necessary, because I'm still not all too comfortable with what happened to me, and I don't see myself talking about it so openly to almost anyone else.

2. If it is that beneficial and necessary, I have another problem. I am a poor college student, with literally no money to spare, and I think the only way I could afford help is through my parents. They are not the ones that abused me, but I just feel to embarassed to tell them what happened. Did any of you feel the same way? If you did, how did you overcome that fear?

3. I was also wondering is it normal to try to deny everything that happened, and at times think your crazy for even having the flashbacks and memories?

4. Is counseling my only option, or are there groups out there that can help with this type of thing?

Thanks for listening to my concerns because I really need the advice on where to go from here.

Stephen


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#50587 - 07/05/01 02:44 PM Re: Need Some Advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Stephen,
I'm a fellow survivor and new to this site as well, but like what I've seen so far. As for your questions:
I feel some kind of counseling is necessary,either individual or in a group. The abuse happens in secret,hidden away from the rest of the world. Healing happens in the open, with others(as frightening as that may sound to you right now). You've made the first step in the healing process by reaching out here-congradulations! Also many therapists work on a sliding scale, so maybe you could find one you could afford. Since we all have serious trust issues, it will take awhile to open up to a therapist. But take it slow and easy and above all feel safe!

As for telling your parents, can't help you there. I've never told mine-it was their best friend who abused me. Your story sounds different. Maybe they'd want to support you in your recovery.

You're perfectly normal for having for having flashbacks, I get them at times myself.

I go to a survivors group each week. Its really helped me. They are out there, but hard to find. Try the web!
Courage,
Patrick


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#50588 - 07/05/01 07:12 PM Re: Need Some Advice
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
SS35, as PartrickM says, you have taken the first step. It is my opinion at threapy IS very helpful, and I agree with him, that you can usually find one that uses a sliding scale. As jard as the word "rape" sounds to you now, you can usually find a center in any big city, and it doesn't only effect woman, and that thought the public is just now beginning to deal with. It is good that you are starting the process of dealing with the past when you are young. I waited for 51 years. Flashbacks happen, in varing degrees I've been told in different people. Me, I still don't understand why I cry like a baby, even in public places when I see something that makes me think of the past. As somebody once said, the first step is the most painfull, and now you have made it. from one original, Bay Stater to another, hang in there. bosishere


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#50589 - 07/05/01 07:15 PM Re: Need Some Advice
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
SS35, sorry I screwed up, I got Hull, MA confused with your name. It belongs to PatrickM. sorry guys. bos


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#50590 - 07/05/01 07:53 PM Re: Need Some Advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


1. Is going to counseling absolutely necessary, because I'm still not all too comfortable with what happened to me, and I don't see myself talking about it so openly to almost anyone else.

It's not necessary, but it is good to be able to talk about what happened with either a counselor or a group.

2. If it is that beneficial and necessary, I have another problem. I am a poor college student, with literally no money to spare, and I think the only way I could afford help is through my parents.

I don't know where you are, but most colleges have some sort of counseling center for students, which should be either free or on a sliding scale. Either talk to someone in administration to see what is available, or someone in the psychology department.

3. I was also wondering is it normal to try to deny everything that happened, and at times think your crazy for even having the flashbacks and memories?

I repressed my memories of the sexual abuse for a long time, but now, I have no doubt that it happened.

4. Is counseling my only option, or are there groups out there that can help with this type of thing?

There are some groups, but finding them can be a problem. I'm in Oklahoma City, and there are absolutely no groups for men who were sexually abused as kids.

Thanks for listening to my concerns because I really need the advice on where to go from here.

You've taken the first step. The next step is to post here, and look for options for dealing with your abuse issues, whether that be counseling or a group. Hang in there.

[ 07-05-2001: Message edited by: ScottOKC ]


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#50591 - 07/06/01 12:06 AM Re: Need Some Advice
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
SS35,

Is counseling absolutely necessary, i dont think it is an absolute, but it sure helped me alot.

My first counselors were through a major medical clinic in my area and their mental health out reach clinics, and it was for free even, you could maybe start there and see what you find, also, i belive most colleges have medical programs for students and they have counseling available as part of there regular program, i think its worth asking about, the only caution i have for you is make sure you find someone who was some experience with survivors of abuse, i really dont recommend hooking up with someone who does not, that last thing you need is to have to *train* someone in the issues faced by survivors.

As far as telling your parents anything, you do not have to get specific with anyone, there is nothing wrong with telling your parents that you would like to see a therapist just cus you have some stuff thats bugging you and you would like to be able to talk it over with someone.

Dude, denial is normal, thinking your crazy cus of flashbacks and memories is real normal too, my belief anyways. Most of this stuff just does not fit anyones idea of normal.

There are groups for male survivors and mixed groups too, i have always found they are kinda tough to find though. YOu could try some of the 12 step groups for this stuff, like Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA) or Incest Survivors Anonymous (ISA)
They both cost like a buck a session, they are mixed meetings with both men and women and i went to them for a fair amount of time and found them to be helpful.

Dude, your reaching out, your talking, thats all good, ok?

Hang in there and keep talking ok?

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#50592 - 07/06/01 01:33 AM Re: Need Some Advice
Harry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 118
Loc: California
Stephen, I'm in college too, and I know that there's no way I can get into therapy without the help of my parents, just like you. But I don't want to tell them anything either. What I did (about a month ago) was tell them that my depression (that I had in high school) had come back and that I wanted to see a therapist and get back on meds. This wasn't a lie -- I'm really depressed. But I didnt tell them any more than that. I haven't seen a psychiatrist yet, but I will soon hopefully. I'm waiting til then to spill everything. I know that by doing it this way and by not telling anyone my reasons for wanting therapy, that I risk getting help from someone who has no experience with male survivors. I just can't tell anyone though. Too much shame and self-hatred and all that shit. Anyways, my parents have been really suportive of me. If you think yours would be too, I'd just tell them that you want to see a therapist and that's it. You don't need to tell them what for. Or you could say you don't feel comfortable talking about it. I dunno. Good luck.

[ 07-06-2001: Message edited by: Harry ]

_________________________
In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

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#50593 - 07/06/01 06:20 PM Re: Need Some Advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thanks for advice everyone, starting Monday, I am going to start making some calls for the sliding scale doctors, and see what I find. I'll try to keep everyone updated. Thanks again.

Stephen


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#50594 - 07/07/01 10:24 AM Re: Need Some Advice
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
i think you are making a wise decision about seeking therapy.....i finally realized i was sexually abused by my uncle 6 months ago when i attempted suicide....i was in therapy for a few months but got more scared of facing reality and bolted from therapy.....you see i know i will commit suicide and felt i was wasting my therapist's time.....i wish i had the strength to go back....hell, he probably would not care to see me anyway....i cannot blame him.....i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and major depression....you should be proud of yourself for facing the situation you endured now...i wish i had been or was as brave as you are now...if you'd like to e-mail me, my e-mail address is mikedow24@hotmail.com......take care of yourself.....michael


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#50595 - 07/07/01 08:27 PM Re: Need Some Advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hey Michael B,

Thank your for the kind words, but I'm having just as many problems as you were about coming to face the facts. Theres not a day that goes by that I do not try to deny what happened to me, it really makes me sick... I mean I was having the perfect day today, went golfing, played pretty well, but now I'm alone in my thoughts, and its making me sick again, so sick that I have to get out of here. I just want to say Michael you are strong, you made it to the therapist, and although it is scary, you have to go back. I know I cannot talk from experience, but hopefully therapy will be helping myself pretty soon, and if I can make it there, you can make it back. Because I know the only way I'm going to be able to go into those places Monday is if G-d gives me a lot of strength, because even the thought of going there is tearing me apart. Good luck with everything Michael, and know that you are in my prayers.

Stephen


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