Hey everyone, I continue to browse this place reading topics and feeling drawn to the stories. Sometimes I want to help the people here feel better, but don't know the words because I can't even make myself feel better.
Keep coming, reading & drawing support. You return
support just by doing that in itself.
I'm seeing a therapist again, but I haven't had a full session with him yet because I have been late every time. My car has been broken so I've had to take the bus and I've missed the earlier ones each time even when I thought I was going to be there early. Now my car is at least fixed, thank god, so I will have less problems getting there but I'm worried about what my therapist thinks of me. Does he think as a patient that I'm a flake and not serious about my recovery?
Victor, get to therapy whatever it takes. Get a ride. Get there. If not this T, another one.
I've been doing terrible this semester, dropped a class and have prepared to fail a class and retake it next semester. I may fail more classes because of a resurgence of depression, causing me to not get out of bed and waste time doing anything to distract me. I listen to music and keep myself in the state where you're about to cry but you don't let yourself. Mostly I play video games because I don't have to think about anything else and when I'm done it all comes raging back.
Tho not so much in college, I've gone thru some times like this. I empathize with you, Victor. Keep going to college. Keep going to therapy and getting support to face & release the pain.
I feel like all my friends don't sincerely care about me. None of them come to me to hang out or talk, I always have to chase them around. I feel empty, like all I have is myself and even though that can be empowering it tends to immediately backlash and make me feel alone.
I just wish I had a friend that I "clicked" with, and who wanted a friend like me as bad as I wanted one like him/her. How do I expect someone to want to hang out with me though when I'm at a point where I fall apart so easily?
That's what friends do. I always thot no such people were out there, but I was wrong--they are. Love yourself, Victor. Take care of yourself. Be friendly. Be real. You'll find real friends. Hard as it is to believe.
What does everyone else do to find strength at times like this when you are completely alone?
Make sure I'm not unless I need to be. Get online,
go to a support group, call a friend, whatever.
Are my feelings about my therapist irrational?
No. They may or may not be accurate, but they are not irrational.
Is it possible to make close friends in my condition?
I didn't think so but recently I've found that yes it is. It involves trusting & risking taking & being open, with the discernment to do so with the right kind of person who is ready for it too.
What can I do to "make" myself into a better mood?
For me this all starts with self-love, self-respect, self-appreciation, self-care. Trying
to follow the Serenity Prayer & improving what circumstances I can while trying to be at peace with the many things I have little or no control over. Being as content as possible whatever my circumstances.
Anyways, thanks for listening to my problems. I wish I could come in here and write nothing but the positive stuff but right now there is so little that I'd feel fake if I did that, you know what I mean? Take care everyone, and thanks for the support.
-Victor in Iowa
Not faking it is important to recovery in itself.
Take it easy on yourself & take care of yourself.
Victor in N Carolina