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#5048 - 04/12/03 07:05 AM More from the Victor in Iowa
bisulatino Offline
Member

Registered: 03/11/03
Posts: 70
Loc: San Diego, CA
Hey everyone, I continue to browse this place reading topics and feeling drawn to the stories. Sometimes I want to help the people here feel better, but don't know the words because I can't even make myself feel better.

I'm seeing a therapist again, but I haven't had a full session with him yet because I have been late every time. My car has been broken so I've had to take the bus and I've missed the earlier ones each time even when I thought I was going to be there early. Now my car is at least fixed, thank god, so I will have less problems getting there but I'm worried about what my therapist thinks of me. Does he think as a patient that I'm a flake and not serious about my recovery?

I've been doing terrible this semester, dropped a class and have prepared to fail a class and retake it next semester. I may fail more classes because of a resurgence of depression, causing me to not get out of bed and waste time doing anything to distract me. I listen to music and keep myself in the state where you're about to cry but you don't let yourself. Mostly I play video games because I don't have to think about anything else and when I'm done it all comes raging back.

I feel like all my friends don't sincerely care about me. None of them come to me to hang out or talk, I always have to chase them around. I feel empty, like all I have is myself and even though that can be empowering it tends to immediately backlash and make me feel alone.

I just wish I had a friend that I "clicked" with, and who wanted a friend like me as bad as I wanted one like him/her. How do I expect someone to want to hang out with me though when I'm at a point where I fall apart so easily?

What does everyone else do to find strength at times like this when you are completely alone? Are my feelings about my therapist irrational? Is it possible to make close friends in my condition? What can I do to "make" myself into a better mood?

Well, at least my cars fixed... when that happened I felt a huge uplift in spirit! Little events like my car breaking down really hit me hard. I panic, get depressed and can't fix it. It's ironic because it took me 3 weeks to get it fixed, and when I did take it to get fixed it only cost $30 and only took a single day! Sure, I'm glad the repairs weren't huge and I'm really happy to have my car back, but I am so effected by little problems in life!!! Still, at least my car is fixed! For those of you who are curious I drive a 1974 Volkswagen Bug and although it looks like a P.O.S. it runs well, just has occasional problems.

Anyways, thanks for listening to my problems. I wish I could come in here and write nothing but the positive stuff but right now there is so little that I'd feel fake if I did that, you know what I mean? Take care everyone, and thanks for the support.

-Victor in Iowa


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#5049 - 04/12/03 07:11 AM Re: More from the Victor in Iowa
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Victor let me be the first on this board to call you my friend, my brother, dear friend. I do not know what to say half the time. What a minute more like all the time. I will not try to say I understand what you are going through because it is deffernt for each of us. I have felt like none of my friends really like or cared about me only like me for what I could do for them. their are answers out their Victor but we can only show you the door you have to open ti for you self.


Nathan


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#5050 - 04/12/03 07:30 AM Re: More from the Victor in Iowa
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Victor Glad to hear that your car is fixed and you truly must have a good person to work on your car,only 30 $$$$ not bad. Taken all that time to deal with it shows one of our major falts. Iam the same way ,putting things off,not dealing with problems. Best of luck in your healing. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#5051 - 04/12/03 03:52 PM Re: More from the Victor in Iowa
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Victor,

Believe me you are not alone as far as these feelings go. I am currently struggling with much the same shit. You can simply articulate it a lot better than me. \:\)

Unfortunately, I don't have any answers. I don't know how you can try to feel better. I'm in the same boat as you. I have so much work to do for my classes, but I can't seem to focus on it. All I seem to be able to do is sleep or watch TV.

I'm not entirely sure if this post is worth making or not, but be assured Victor, these feelings and situations are shared. I don't know if that helps or not, but there it is...

Eric


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#5052 - 04/12/03 03:54 PM Re: More from the Victor in Iowa
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Just keep trying

and oh...by the way....

I graduated from ISU in '88. Spent a few years of my life living in Ames.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#5053 - 04/12/03 10:26 PM Re: More from the Victor in Iowa
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Hey everyone, I continue to browse this place reading topics and feeling drawn to the stories. Sometimes I want to help the people here feel better, but don't know the words because I can't even make myself feel better.
Keep coming, reading & drawing support. You return
support just by doing that in itself.

Quote:
I'm seeing a therapist again, but I haven't had a full session with him yet because I have been late every time. My car has been broken so I've had to take the bus and I've missed the earlier ones each time even when I thought I was going to be there early. Now my car is at least fixed, thank god, so I will have less problems getting there but I'm worried about what my therapist thinks of me. Does he think as a patient that I'm a flake and not serious about my recovery?
Victor, get to therapy whatever it takes. Get a ride. Get there. If not this T, another one.

Quote:
I've been doing terrible this semester, dropped a class and have prepared to fail a class and retake it next semester. I may fail more classes because of a resurgence of depression, causing me to not get out of bed and waste time doing anything to distract me. I listen to music and keep myself in the state where you're about to cry but you don't let yourself. Mostly I play video games because I don't have to think about anything else and when I'm done it all comes raging back.
Tho not so much in college, I've gone thru some times like this. I empathize with you, Victor. Keep going to college. Keep going to therapy and getting support to face & release the pain.

Quote:
I feel like all my friends don't sincerely care about me. None of them come to me to hang out or talk, I always have to chase them around. I feel empty, like all I have is myself and even though that can be empowering it tends to immediately backlash and make me feel alone.

I just wish I had a friend that I "clicked" with, and who wanted a friend like me as bad as I wanted one like him/her. How do I expect someone to want to hang out with me though when I'm at a point where I fall apart so easily?
That's what friends do. I always thot no such people were out there, but I was wrong--they are. Love yourself, Victor. Take care of yourself. Be friendly. Be real. You'll find real friends. Hard as it is to believe.

Quote:
What does everyone else do to find strength at times like this when you are completely alone?
Make sure I'm not unless I need to be. Get online,
go to a support group, call a friend, whatever.

Quote:
Are my feelings about my therapist irrational?
No. They may or may not be accurate, but they are not irrational.

Quote:
Is it possible to make close friends in my condition?
I didn't think so but recently I've found that yes it is. It involves trusting & risking taking & being open, with the discernment to do so with the right kind of person who is ready for it too.

Quote:
What can I do to "make" myself into a better mood?
For me this all starts with self-love, self-respect, self-appreciation, self-care.

Trying to follow the Serenity Prayer & improving what circumstances I can while trying to be at peace with the many things I have little or no control over. Being as content as possible whatever my circumstances.

Quote:
Anyways, thanks for listening to my problems. I wish I could come in here and write nothing but the positive stuff but right now there is so little that I'd feel fake if I did that, you know what I mean? Take care everyone, and thanks for the support.

-Victor in Iowa
Not faking it is important to recovery in itself.
Take it easy on yourself & take care of yourself.

Victor in N Carolina \:\)

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#5054 - 04/13/03 10:03 AM Re: More from the Victor in Iowa
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Victor:
Many of the "little" problems that add up to a sense of paralysis or a feeling of being overwhelmed can sure seem never-ending.

As a therapist, I probably would wonder why so many things seem to be working against you getting to therapy. One thing that I picked up in your post is the frequent use of "all or nothing" thinking. This is the use of words like "always", "never", "every", "none", "completely".

A lot of what you have said is addressed in "Breaking the Cycle of Self-Defeating Behaviors"...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/articles/singer2.htm

Check that out and see if some of it applies to you.

Best,
Ken


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