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#50346 - 07/12/06 06:52 AM worried
fightlikehell Offline
Member

Registered: 09/13/05
Posts: 34
Loc: WNY
sorry this is so long

in an earlier post i told how i had spoken with my brother about my SA, he took it hard at first, but the he was "ok" and seemed to understand and things were good, realitivly speaking. The other day my dad approached me and asked me if i had anything to tell him but he wouldnt tell me what it was about. So I spent a couple of days freaking out, [ after telling my dad i didnt have anythin to tell him ] thinking that i was giving out some kind of vibe saying, "i have been abused." Then it dawned one me and i asked my brother if he had said anything and he didnt answer at first and fially told me that he had told my dad. I pretty much havent known what to do with my self so I did everything i could to forget about everything b/c things raent going really great. My dad must have guessed what was going on and asked my brother why i was acting the way i was. My brother said he did it b/c he was worried about me. My dad asked me what happend and if what my brother had said was true. I told him that it was, and he asked me to tell him what happened and i pretty much just broke downand my dad was something he has never been before, comforting, which was wierd, but cool. BUt now it seems as if my dad is afriad to go near me. And i am back to square one with this trust thing b/c i told and he told when he promised not to...which not only pissed me off but hurt me as well. I dont know i just needed to get taht off my chest

thanks
- Adam

_________________________
the nightmares and the hate,
and the fear
the nightmare that wake
me up in tears
- Smile Empty Soul-

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#50347 - 07/12/06 08:05 AM Re: worried
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Adam,

This SA stuff is pretty intense. Your brother may very well have been worried about you and didn't know what to do or say. This is not to say he did not violate your trust. It also seems like your dad doesn't know what to do but is at least trying his best. But it looks like things are more out in the open (which most of the times is a good thing). I know that I felt a lot better when I finally realized I didn't have to hide anymore. I could finally get the counseling that I needed and deserved!

Recovery is Possible! I know this from personal experience. I hope that you come to know it as well!

God Bless,

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#50348 - 07/12/06 09:46 AM Re: worried
thetraveller Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/29/06
Posts: 69
Loc: England
Adam, sorry this post is even longer than yours!

I can understand your pissed off because your brother told your dad when you asked him not to as it was a violation of trust but....... It does sound like the reason he told your dad was because he's worried about you, loves you and wants to help you but didn't know how to on his own. From the way you describe your dads reaction when you told him he obviously loves you, is worried about about you and wants to help too.

As for your father acting differently towards you, well he may just need a little time to get his head around the fact you we're abused. From some of the other posts I've read on this site a lot of fathers feel guilty for not protecting their children from their abusers and blame themselves for letting it happen. It may be that your father is just deeply upset, as any normal loving father would be. I haven't got children but I can imagine it must feel pretty horrible to find out that your child has been abused in this way.

I think you should try to look past the violation of trust(I'm sure your brother only had your best interests at heart) and take something positive out of your current situation. It seems to me that you have a brother and father who really care about you and their support can only make the journey ahead easier. As Brian said, when these things are out in the open it is usually a good thing. 2 days ago I told my sister how mum abused me and although it was scary it feels so much better to have her support.

I guess i'm saying that yes your brother betrayed your trust, but I think he did it out of brotherly love and concern. If the situation was reversed would you want to help your brother or would you let him suffer in silence by helping him to hide what happened? just a thought.

It is hard enough trying to pull yourself back together after being abused and we all need all the support we can get. I think that now its out in the open, your brother and father could be a source of great comfort and support.

I hope everything works out for you Adam.

take care

Craig


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#50349 - 07/13/06 04:49 AM Re: worried
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Adam,

Just want to echo what Craig told you. I think he is 100% right on with his comments.

Keep talking to your Dad. Tell him you need he support and help. I think he'll come through for you if you can continue the dialogue. I would think he is probably feeling pretty guilty right now even if he perhaps shouldn't. That could be coloring the way he is reacting to you, so just talk to him.

Wishing you the best.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#50350 - 07/13/06 07:23 PM Re: worried
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

Trust within a family unit is a touchy thing, and sometimes family members "break" trust because they see it as so important that they do so. I imagine that is what your brother did.

But try also to understand that trust is a more general issue for a survivor. A boy who has been abused will often find EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in the world unsafe, and who would blame him? What I am saying here is that it might help you to try to see that the trust issue is very complicated. Yes, your brother has broken your trust, but now he has told you. Try to see this for what it was - an effort, in his own way, to help.

So what now? Your Dad knows, fuck!!!!!!!!!! You should talk to him about this, but how to start?

How about writing a letter? Get your brother to help you write it, but of course say what you need to say and leave out for now whatever freaks you out too much. Then get your brother to go with you, right then, and find your Dad. Just give him the letter.

That will be hard, I know - perhaps the most difficult thing you have ever done. Yes, you will cry, but you deserve to cry. Yes, you will want to be held - just ask and I bet you will get the best hugs ever! There is nothing girly or sissy about any of this.

And look on the other side of the coin. This will be the key to your freedom and the start to getting your life back. Sounds like a good deal to me!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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