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#50089 - 07/24/06 12:41 PM Re: Grooming
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Just to second what Darrel is saying. By the age of 12 I was so utterly groomed that there was nothing I would refuse to do with the abuser and no way I would refuse his orders to show up for what I knew would be more abuse.

I hated what was happening and loathed what I thought I had become, but just as in Darrel's case, when it was all over I missed him. I was heartbroken and thought he had rejected or abandoned me. I felt guilty and even more worthless.

I hope we can all see what's going on here. And abused kid quickly descends into a VERY dark place emotionally, a state of despair and worthlessness that seems to be unending and bottomless in its horror. But he is powerless against it, and even if he finally discovers some way to make things stop, the result may well be simply to transfer him to another domain of hurt and confusion.

We were not to blame, not for ANY of it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#50090 - 07/24/06 02:03 PM Re: Grooming
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said here. But the way I see it, Kenny was patient and kind and always there for me after a fight w/my old man, understanding, gentle, loving and all the things a little kid wanted/needed in an adult. So he groomed me.

The other guys.. well they just took it from me and didn't care how I felt about it. A huge difference there.... Adam I know how you feel.

Rik... no such thing as a better way of being abused, I'm glad you said that. It's fucking damaging as hell when you love and trust the abuser and when they go it leaves you with all those shitty feelings to deal with. But when you're attacked/beat/raped, etc. Well I can tell you that I can't go anywhere without looking over my shoulder, waiting for it to happen again, standing in line at the fucking coffee shop wondering if the guy in front of me was one of them... constantly wondering "why" me, replaying it in my head over and over wondering if it was just bad timing on my part, something I said, how I looked, something I did... If I wasn't so drunk, if I didn't go to that party, if I didn't need a ride home, if I didn't "trust" that guy... were they watching me for a while and just waiting for the opportunity? or was it random? Are they still around? Are they planning on doing it again? Have they done it to anyone else?

At least with Kenny I know why he did it. But these guys, I don't know... I sit around thinking "why didn't they just kill me". Why did they leave me half dead? was it on purpose because they knew I'd have to live with this sickness and paranoia? I don't know... I don't think one abuse is any better/worse than another but if I had to pick one, I'd pick Kenny.

I never said anything about it to my parents because if I told my mom she would have told my dad and then I'd get the beating of my life. Only one to take care of me after that was Kenny so... what was the point.

Jay


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#50091 - 07/24/06 06:42 PM Re: Grooming
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

Quote:
But the way I see it, Kenny was patient and kind and always there for me after a fight w/my old man, understanding, gentle, loving and all the things a little kid wanted/needed in an adult.
I'm very sorry that I have to say this, but a man who is all those positive things that you saw in Kenny acts that way out of concern for the welfare of the boy. He does it because he feels that any boy deserves and needs safe adults to talk to and confide in. When we see that in reality he was just trying to build up "credit" and trust to get the kid into bed, then we realize that the boy's welfare and needs had nothing to do with it, right from the start. The abuser was just that: a predator thinking only of himself.

It isn't the boy's responsibility to notice this, and facing that this is how it was can be very painful. But I'm afraid this is the reality of it all the same. That's part of the heartbreaking cruelty of abuse, the way a boy's trust is so totally betrayed.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#50092 - 07/24/06 06:58 PM Re: Grooming
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
I know he never really cared. He was only acting like he was everything my father wasn't so I'd trust him. I wish I could forgive myself for falling into his trap. I wish things were different, I just wish my mother was different, I wish she helped me when she knew, I wish I didn't live thru it


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#50093 - 07/24/06 08:23 PM Re: Grooming
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

You didn't do anything for which you need to forgive yourself. All you did was what all boys do: trust adults they look up to. It was your right to do that, and when you extended your trust to him he should have respected that for what it was - a genuine honor.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#50094 - 07/24/06 09:00 PM Re: Grooming
Kirk Wayne Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 499
Loc: Shrewsbury UK
My grooming took place over a number of months at first the only physical contact was a lot of tickling something I had not experienced since the death of my much loved grandfather, so i enjoyed it and it was very pleasurable. My original abuser was definately my surrogate father as my patrenal father was an emotionally dead, materialistic arsehole.

Chris (my original abuser)would do anything for me, gifts, trips up to London, free records as he was a (non working) professional DJ and head of promotion for a very successful record company. Eating out in restaurants some very expensive ones as well, request being palyed immediately on radio luxembourg or radio one as he had direst access to the broadcasting studios, being introduced to others in the music biz who would in turn go onto abuse me, I'm afraid it impressed me very much and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Chris was there for me whenever I fell out with my father offering support, advice and occasionally a place to stay (nothing happened on thses occasions). Then one day I was invited over to his hose to listen to some new releases whereupon he showed me a straight porn film, being only 14 I had never seen anythig like it, it was then he pounced and that was basically it, he then told me who his uncle was, he was Master of the Rolls Lord denning (now dead) a very, very powerful judge and that I was "very proberbly gay or at the least bisexual" god that fucked my head up for years. What followed was a drug and alcohol fueled existance that took in football violnce, petty crime and eventually domestic violence and three failed suicide attempts (I was usually too pissed to succeed) also spending five years in differing psychiatric units and drug rehabs, that period of my life lasted thirty years.

Today I have been clean and sober for over a decade now got myself an education and seen three of my abusers convicted but as yet I have still to enter a court of law, today I fight the paedos head on by infiltrating their message boards (no graphics or imagry) and forward what I find out to the appropiate authorities by way of other friends within the survivor community.

There has been an explosion of "how to avoid conviction sites" since Operation Ore hit the UK and the popoganda that they are putting out has to be read to be believed.

I also now sit on a governemnt appointed experts panel which is an eye opener for me to see how the powers that be actually work, the only word that describes this work ethic is very slowly. I will be posting some information for the guys from the UK just how that process is going, in the not too distant future.

Last word I would have much rather have been attacked, beaten up and raped like Rik has said at least my street cred would have remained intact within my head ..... I think.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"


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#50095 - 07/24/06 09:06 PM Re: Grooming
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
"Last word I would have much rather have been attacked, beaten up and raped like Rik has said at least my street cred would have remained intact within my head ..... I think."

I don't understand this at all Kirk...
Jay


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#50096 - 07/24/06 09:40 PM Re: Grooming
Kirk Wayne Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 499
Loc: Shrewsbury UK
Hi Jaysen.

I apologise if I have caused you any confusion it was not intended.

"I don't understand this at all Kirk..."

No I didnt when I first thought of it when reading what Rik had written.

What I mean is this I would not have gone down without a fight and maybe inflicted some damage on my abuser, it may, just may have given me a bit of street credability instead of a feeling of could I be a poof, queer or whatever you want to call it.

Sorry once again for the confusion.

kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"


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#50097 - 07/25/06 12:34 AM Re: Grooming
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
No Kirk I wasn't confused at the post in general, just confused... or maybe a better way to say it is I can't understand why you'd say that. I had both, groomed by my uncle then a few years later I was taken/kidnapped, held for 3 or 4 days and during that time they tortured the fuck out of me, beat me, raped me and left me for dead. Don't think for a second that I didn't fight back with every fucking last ounce of will that I had. Street credability has nothing to do with it. This is my opinion only of course and eveyone's entitled to their own point of view. It just kind of hit a sore spot with me. If you experienced that kind of attack you might think differently. Then again maybe not... I don't know. I just had to tell you how I felt about it.
Thanks for the reply and nothing personal, just my opinion.
Jay


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#50098 - 07/25/06 01:16 AM Re: Grooming
Syntaxed Offline
Member

Registered: 07/12/06
Posts: 54
Loc: St Louis, MO
I think it's all relative, isn't it?

Abuse is abuse is abuse. Both kinds of perps are hideous monsters who leave scars, sometimes internal and sometimes external.

Grooming predators destroy our confidence, self-esteem, identity, trust, everything. My sister-in-law (who was also abused) says it best. She says it's like one of those creeping vines that reaches into every part of our lives and infects it. Everything we do, say, or feel is filtered through the lenses of the abuse.

It would seem to me (as I don't know, personally) that being forecfully raped and tortured has its own set of devastations and long-term implications. I've known women who've been raped and they are a shell of their former selves.

So, honestly, I wouldn't prefer either, and I hurt for everyone on this site who has been violated, either instantly and violently, or over time and coercively. It all sucks, and it all tears us to shreds. There is no preferable way for this to happen.

It's all relative.

Chris

_________________________
At present: 1 step forward, 3 steps back.

http://sleepeatrepeat.blogspot.com

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