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#50079 - 07/22/06 03:38 AM Re: Grooming
Syntaxed Offline
Member

Registered: 07/12/06
Posts: 54
Loc: St Louis, MO
I think you're right, Trevor, it is worse to trust him and then get abused.

My father died when I was so young that I don't even remember him and my mother never remarried or even dated.

When I was ten, a man from our church took me under his wing and took me fishing and boating and other things, even tried, awkwardly, to discuss the birds and the bees. Nothing he did was inappropriate. He was just a sweet man who saw I had no father figure and stepped in.

Then we moved to Florida and when I was twelve I really needed a father figure, bad.

In stepped a ready-made, grooming trained, experienced perp.

He took his time grooming me (a couple of months at least) and played on all my needs for a father. Then, like ARW said about Kaa, he sprung. Afterward, I kept going back for more to get the father figure I'd had before the abuse, but found that to get the father figure, I had to perform.

I, like the others here, trust no one. The abuse of trust has devastated my life.

I don't know, of course, because my abuse wasn't a quick rape or forced rape, but I can only imagine that abuse of trust and then rape has to be worse.

Then again, it really is all relative isn't it?

We're all broken in our own little ways aren't we?

But isn't it remarkable how much we have in common?

_________________________
At present: 1 step forward, 3 steps back.

http://sleepeatrepeat.blogspot.com

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#50080 - 07/22/06 04:44 AM Re: Grooming
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Trev,

You are so right. The most pain came from knowing that someone who I loved and trusted had hurt me. I felt betrayed and the betrayal hurt worse than the sexual abuse. \:\(

Love ya

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#50081 - 07/23/06 12:36 AM Re: Grooming
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Thanks everyone for your responses.

I waited until there were several responses, before posting again on this topic!

Before I came here, I had wished that I had been attacked by the pervert, beaten up so that he could have achieved what he wanted, rather than the slow grooming aspect.

I know that there are others here that will have read this post, that were attacked. I have read their stories here!

I know that there is no such thing as 'a better way of being abused'. It is all bad! Let none of us forget that!

I thought that if I had been attacked, maybe hit over the head with a hammer, and then abused, that I could have accepted that it was a maniac that damaged me! Well he didn't do that, and you cannot see my scars visually, but they are there in my brain. It was just a different type of maniac that did it!

Like I said, all abuse is bad! There is no league table!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#50082 - 07/23/06 12:41 AM Re: Grooming
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Just to add!

When I was in court, the judiciary seemed to focus on the sexual aspects of the case...that probably accounted for somewhere between 2 and 10 hours of my life. The impact on my mind has lasted for something like 36+ years...coming up to 37 in September/October!

I believe that the media also focus purely on the sexual aspect...how ignorant they are...how do we ever explain this to anyone, and get them to really understand?!?!

Best wishes again...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#50083 - 07/23/06 01:34 AM Re: Grooming
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
in my case the grooming lasted about a week and ended the first time ,he touched me and i said no. so we can never know but for the guys who were groomed maybe if the grooming didnt work the abuse would have been worse . but i do agree that being forced has different baggage to carry from being groomed ,bu t fighting and losing the fight has its own ways of screwing us up to,weither way surviving means giving in

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#50084 - 07/23/06 02:51 AM Re: Grooming
Syntaxed Offline
Member

Registered: 07/12/06
Posts: 54
Loc: St Louis, MO
Quote:
Originally posted by RICK57:
...you cannot see my scars visually, but they are there in my brain...
I like the way you put that, because I've often felt that if people could see my pain in some external way, they would understand better the pain inside.

Well said.

_________________________
At present: 1 step forward, 3 steps back.

http://sleepeatrepeat.blogspot.com

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#50085 - 07/24/06 01:41 AM Re: Grooming
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I think there's a really important aspect of grooming that needs to be added here.

Once a boy has been tricked into trusting the abuser, but then comes to see that something is very wrong, why doesn't he leave the abuser? Why doesn't he tell safe adults? What about cases where the abuser asks the boy "Shall I do this?", and the boy says "yes"? What about cases where the boy goes willingly or basically "reports" to the abuser on command?

A groomed boy, as in Rik's case with the air rifles at the quarry, has been attracted by something he likes and wants. If he breaks off the contacts, the exciting adventures will stop. So as he is just a young boy and doesn't understand what the abuse means anyway, and since his has learned to trust the abuser, it is easy for him to rationalize and keep going.

A boy whose fears are mounting will also find it difficult to say no because he doesn't want to look stupid, or because he fears the withdrawal of affection. If the groomed boy hesitates, the abuser can simply say "Don't you trust me?", and the boy, alarmed that he has offended his older "friend", will quickly agree to do what he wants.

In other cases the groomed boy is simply trapped as the abuser's charms turn to threats. "Everyone will say it was your fault", "No one will believe you", "I will come and 'get' you", "Your parents will throw you out of the house", "You will go to hell", etc., etc.

And finally, as the boy loses all sense of worth and feels totally ashamed and alone, he will do whatever the abuser wants because he genuinely thinks he isn't good for anything better than this. He may loathe the abuse, but at least it is something.

This is an important topic and thanks for launching it Rik. There are so many survivors here who feel guilty about things that happened, but once they understand how it all starts with skilled grooming they can see that every single incident - no matter how shameful and guilty they feel about it - goes back to the tricks of the perp and NOT to any guilt on the part of the boy.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#50086 - 07/24/06 01:58 AM Re: Grooming
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I would like to reiterate my perp's particualar grooming technique.

I got the feeling that there was something wrong with it after he wanted to do more than just touch and feel me.

He kept me from talking because he knew that I didn't want to say "Dad (or Mom), he was making put his dick in my mouth, he was rubbing it against me, etc." I was embarrassed to talk about it, hence I didn't. If I tried to object to it, or say that I didn't like to do it he would say, "It will just be between you and me, nobody else has to know, it's our secret". Fucking jerk, toyed around with the mind of a nine year old who was only looking for a friend.

If I had known how this was going to manifest itself later in my life, I WOULD HAVE TOLD WITHOUT HESITATION. But I tried to just forget about all of it. As most of us here know, trying to "forget" about it doesn't quite work.

I could not have been groomed like that had my parents armed me with information, and told me what to do in case someone did something like this to me.


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#50087 - 07/24/06 02:23 AM Re: Grooming
Syntaxed Offline
Member

Registered: 07/12/06
Posts: 54
Loc: St Louis, MO
Quote:
Originally posted by Hauser:
I got the feeling that there was something wrong with it after he wanted to do more than just touch and feel me.
Ditto.

Quote:
Originally posted by Hauser:

He kept me from talking because he knew that I didn't want to say "Dad (or Mom), he was making put his dick in my mouth, he was rubbing it against me, etc." I was embarrassed to talk about it, hence I didn't.
"My" asshole, fucking, evil perpetrator took me to the R-rated movies I wanted to see (that my mother would not let me see), bought me music (that my mom would not let me listen to), gave me beer and wine. He knew that if I told, the jig was up for me as well. He was also patient. He did this for a couple of months before the hook was in.

But perhaps most importantly, and completely unrelated to the perp's grooming, was my mother's unintentional grooming years earlier. My brother (7 years older) did something wrong once and the police showed up. After they left, my mother beat the living shit out of him with her fists, a belt, everything (he once "joked" that he was glad she couldn't lift the sofa, or she'd have hit him with that too). What reason did she give him as she was pounding him? He had embarassed her by having police cars in the driveway. What would the neighbors think?

After I figured out that what was happening was really wrong, I thought several times of blowing the whole thing wide open, but I knew the police would get involved and I didn't want to embarass my mother.

So, I guess I was groomed on two sides, huh?

Chris

_________________________
At present: 1 step forward, 3 steps back.

http://sleepeatrepeat.blogspot.com

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#50088 - 07/24/06 03:06 AM Re: Grooming
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
taxi guy said, "If you don't, I'll find somebody who will." That would have been fine with me except for the fact that if he did, I would loose him. Up untill I met taxi guy, I didn't know how good it felt to be touched or hugged. How could I risk looosing that. Then the day finely came and I did tell him NO He was gone just like that and I did loose him. And as he promised, he did find someone else, he found my friend Wayne who's pic is on Oprah's web page and on the FBI most wanted list. That's how bad taxi guy hurt my friend.

Love ya

Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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