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#50069 - 07/10/06 12:49 PM Grooming
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
I recently received a PM from someone asking if I could explain what grooming meant (author to remain anonymous).

I have responded, and thought that others may gain from my response, so here it is!

_________________________________

In the UK, when we say that a paedophile has groomed someone, it means that they gained their trust, before committing abuse.

In my case, the paedophile first had a conversation with me when I was walking my dog. He obviously managed to find out a few of my interests, and that I regularly walked my dog in that area. I was just turned 12 years old at the time.

He managed to bump into me again either the next day, or shortly afterwards. He mentioned that he had air rifles, and asked me if I would like to learn to fire them. *One of my Grandfathers had rifles, and I had gone for walks with him when I was younger and lived in another town. I had no reason to mistrust the paedophile (I didn't know what a paedophile was, and didn't even know what any form of sex was. This was 1969, and we were not as educated then in the ways of the world).

He told me that my dog may frightened by the rifles, and that I should leave him at home. I met him the following day, and we went to a local quarry to fire the rifles. This quarry was quite close to houses and a main road. I did not feel uncomfortable at all, and nothing untoward happened.

These circumstances repeated themselves several times. He had also started to give me money, so that I could go and buy sweets and fruit, and then meet him at the quarry. My grandfathers and one uncle had also bought me sweets and fruit, when I went for walks with them from a very young age. All of this seemed normal to me! I trusted him like an older brother (I now know that he was 32 to my 12 years at the time).

What he had also done by this time, was ensure that no one would see me walking along there with him.

As he built my trust, we started going to another quarry that was well away from any houses or roads.

We again started to fire the rifles at targets. By this time, I totally trusted him. He was no different to my Grandfathers and my Uncle that had taken me for walks when I was younger. I loved him the same way that I loved my relatives - he was a welcome replacement for them, as I no longer had there support network because they lived too far away (not many people had cars / telephones then).

It had taken several weeks to get to this point, he had fully gained my trust. It was at this point that he suggested playing different games. He asked if I had any football shorts, as this would make the games easier. The only ones I had were always in the wash from playing sports at school, so I said I didn't, but I did have swimming trunks (how stupid I was). He said that would be fine, and that I could wear them under my jeans, which I agreed to do! That's how innocent I was.

The games had to be played in a different location. There were several near by that suited his needs. The main location was an old railway wagon that had skylights (it was the latter part of the year, but still light enough for him to see what he wanted to).

The games started off with me lying down, jeans below my knees and my jumper over my face - I don't really know what he was doing at this point, but I can imagine.

He started placing coins on my body, and I had to guess what value they were. Again he initially practiced restraint, so that I still thought this was normal. I got to understand that everyone did this growing up, but that no one ever said anything about it!

He asked me if I had ever relieved myself, and I didn't really understand the question. I thought he meant urinating, so I said yes.

This was when he gently pulled my swimming trunks down and placed further coins on more sensitive parts of my body. He then started to manipulate me. From there on, the games got more sexual - at no time did I ever realise what we were doing was wrong. He always treated me with great respect (so I thought at the time).

The nights got darker, and our locations changed. The last time I saw him, we were standing against the base of a water tanker, just off the footpath through the fields to the quarry. We were probably only 200 yards away from the main road.

He suddenly told me to stand still and be quiet. In the moonlight I could see a policeman walking along the path about 20 yards away.

I didn't understand why we had to be quiet? As we walked away shortly afterwards, I told him that I wasn't seeing him again! I didn't know why, but I had realised that something wasn't right & I still trusted him.

This made me very confused. Gradually over the next few months, due to schoolyard banter, I actually found out what most people really did sexually, and it was nothing to do with what I had been led to believe!

So he groomed me - built up my trust to get what he wanted.

This is why I find it very difficult to trust anyone to this day. My subconscious is always switched on, wondering why anyone is really interested in me.

Hope that answers your question.

If you have any further questions, please ask. It actually helps when I write it down!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#50070 - 07/10/06 02:22 PM Re: Grooming
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
Rik,

Very good de>

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#50071 - 07/10/06 02:23 PM Re: Grooming
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I'm glad you brought this up Rik.

Oh and how some are masters at their skill level, like my perp was.

I've come to notice that what "grooming" entails, it's a probing of defenses. The whole time that your perp is interacting with you as a boy, he's saying to himself, "Has his parents told him what to do if I touch him there?" "What if I ask start doing this or that?" "Will he say no?"

Parent communication is the key. Parents are neglectful if they don't tell their children what to do if someone starts violating set boundries. (I don't care if there wasn't "public awareness of sexual abuse of boys" back then, my parents were still neglectful the way I see it).

My perp was so good at manipulating me that when I tried to say no to his sexual stuff, he would withdraw his attention and affections. Then, I found myself coming BACK to him and say that I'M sorry!!! He was so good at grooming that he never asked me not to tell, because he already knew that I wouldn't. (Well, I did but not untill decades later and after he died). He knew that I was ashamed of what I "let" him do. geezz...........

I got distracted sorry, like I said though Rik, thanks for bringing this up.


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#50072 - 07/10/06 02:55 PM Re: Grooming
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Rik,

yes they are very masterful, one I knew tried every trick in the book on me.
None of it worked though because I had already been hurt before.

He only left me alone when I threatened him with the cops,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#50073 - 07/15/06 10:20 PM Re: Grooming
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
Well said. I wish I could remember in such detail the events living with my perp, beyond a few isolated snippets, all pretty horrifying. Alas, it's a murky blur. But I remember a lot of the grooming. He was excellent. Patiently and expertly studied my feeling towards my parents until he could sever any remaining trust that was left and leave me entirely in his trust. It worked. And to such a degree that 28 years later I still have the same inherent distrust and disrupted bond with my surviving parent.

alex

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#50074 - 07/16/06 01:17 AM Re: Grooming
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Alex - recently I hit the 49th birthday.

The perp was convicted (sentenced) on March 17th this year. I wish I could get his face out of my eyes. Not the face that he showed when he was convicted...the face that I remember from when I was a child. It was a face I trusted!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

Top
#50075 - 07/17/06 05:03 AM Re: Grooming
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
It depends opn the perp. a violent perp will work to be sure no authority figure is listenning to the child and gradually increase the level of violence. The reason you here about so many places where they are filthy is not just an accident or a sign of sickness. if it botheres the parent enough to take them out of there, that is an early sign that they will protect the child. then they may let the child see them hurt an unrelated child. all this happens gradually and if the parent takes them out before the abuse starts there is no evidence of any seriouse crime. by the time the abuse gets bad and the frquency is chronic the child has realized (correctly) that the parents will either disbelieve or be embarrased and abandon the child. i hope my righting is ok i cant talk anymore about this hope it helps.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#50076 - 07/19/06 02:07 PM Re: Grooming
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
i dont undrstand all this. my stepbrothr thretened me a lot and was mean and scared me into doing things. thats not the same thing rite?

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

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#50077 - 07/19/06 03:51 PM Re: Grooming
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
No, that's direct abuse. Grooming is a more indirect form of abuse, which usually precedes the actual direct abuse. It involves psyhcologically prepping a target so he or she becomes trusting and dependent on the perp.

A perfect example from the movies is the snake Kaa singing "Trust in me" to Mowgli, to lure him into his coils and devour him. Doesn't get much clearer than that. And I can tell you from experience, it feels about the same.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#50078 - 07/19/06 03:56 PM Re: Grooming
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
ok thanks
i think its worse to trust him
first then get hurt

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

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