Newest Members
JimHouston42, GKB, MorganWut, myrlin, AaronS
12466 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dm13 (39), Jaso (34), liliana888 (43), Raju (32)
Who's Online
3 registered (matt123, 2 invisible), 18 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12466 Members
74 Forums
64020 Topics
446788 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 4 of 13 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 12 13 >
Topic Options
#49932 - 12/06/06 04:01 PM Re: FORGIVE????????
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by Kirk Wayne:
I have re-channeled my anger into doing something positive within the survivors community by that I mean getting involved in politics as that is the only way things are going to change by making those who weald the power aware of the damage CSA can do to the individual and therfore society in general,
Granted. And I think that's a positive thing. More comments on this below.

Quote:
by nature I am a bone idle sod and it is my positive anger that helps me get up in the morning to try and instigate some change,you could also use the word determination in the same breath as anger .....
I would never use the word determination in the same breath as anger, however, I think the word "steadfastness" is a better de>
_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

Top
#49933 - 12/06/06 04:30 PM Re: FORGIVE????????
Kirk Wayne Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 499
Loc: Shrewsbury UK
Nobby

Good post.

What gives me the most satisfaction?

Easily answered hearing you say that you now have hope obviously. I have to say you have me stumped on the last paragraph nobby especially the "why do you need your hate and anger".

Maybe i am still distancing myself from people by saying that I am angry in as much as "dont get to close or I'm gonna hurt you" maybe I am just scared of dropping the shield completely. I really dont know...

Regards

Kirk
"Lerts grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"


Top
#49934 - 12/06/06 05:09 PM Re: FORGIVE????????
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
I've been there, my friend.

Search your heart. I think you will find the answer there.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

Top
#49935 - 12/07/06 09:36 AM Re: FORGIVE????????
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I have two close survivor friends. One, he have four different abusers, and he forgive 2 of them. Other, he have abuse in family and out of it, and not forgived anyone. I respect them both equal. The one who have not forgive, he is not at all less then the other person, and he is not 'angry' or 'hating' person. But he is not going to go to his parents, or the other person who abuse him, and say, 'oh, it is ok, I am over it'. That is nothing negative against him, in my thoughts.

I had also abuse in my family, and outside of it. One my abusers, he is just monster. He is in prison, he murdered several other boys in very bad ways. I have not forgive him, I have not forgive my parents. To me, in how I think, for me to forgive them, I must understand why it is they done such things to me. Never I can understand that, and so I think, never I can forgive it. I am not person of hate and anger. My life is not further damage just because of my choice. And that, it is what it is, it is now my choice.

VN


Top
#49936 - 12/07/06 03:55 PM Re: FORGIVE????????
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
great post visha ,its good to see you and i agree with you totaly adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#49938 - 12/07/06 05:48 PM Re: FORGIVE????????
Zipser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 351
Loc: Connecticut
Steven,

Very provocative subject so thanks for posting. I first read this a couple of days ago and thought about how to respond. It's taken awhile but here's where I am on the subject.

I have not found it necessary to forgive the man who sexually abused me. While I do have a written apology (filtered first by his lawyer as part of the out of court settlement) he never asked forgiveness and even if he did I don't think I would grant it. Honestly, I have not spent much time thinking about the subject, even in the quiet moments.

As for forgiving myself I've found that that, too, has not been necessary. I did nothing wrong all those (40) years ago and I view myself as nothing other than a victim of a sexual predator.

What I'm finding as I peel back the layers of who I am is behaviors and attitudes that can be tied back to my going into survival mode when the abuse began. Example? Today I'm not very assertive and in the business world that has been a hinderance. Like most victims I withdrew into myself and did not want to be noticed or recognized for fear that someone would "know" by looking at me. I'm working on changing that.

Each of us is on a path to recovery that must be traveled alone. I've found tremendous support from everyone here and for that I'm eternally grateful but when it comes right down to it the steps we take are our own.

Just one man's opinion. Thanks to all who have responded. Good topic.

Regards,

Paul

_________________________
"I stand proud that the boy so badly damaged managed to get me this far and I will honor him and myself for being a survivor." - A member

Top
#49939 - 12/07/06 08:16 PM Re: FORGIVE????????
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by jacobtk:
[QUOTE] Some things cannot be forgiven.
Why not?

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

Top
#49941 - 12/08/06 12:47 AM Re: FORGIVE????????
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by jacobtk:
Quote:
Why not?
Honestly, I do not know. Sometimes things hurt too much and there just is no way to get past that.
Jacob where is your signature from? Seems to me that the answer is there. Overcoming pain is sometimes as simple (note I don't say easy) as identifying and understanding the cause and then taking steps to reduce the pain. Not easy, but possible, with determination. For me, the key was forgiveness.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

Top
#49943 - 12/08/06 01:45 AM Re: FORGIVE????????
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by jacobtk:
But if he does not feel he needs to and if the hurt that was caused is too great, then forgiveness does not make sense and it may do more harm than good.
I'm trying to work through this line. Are you saying that it's possible to forgive too soon? I would definitely agree. Forgiveness is a part of healing, but it definitely has its place and time. Forgiving too early may lead the victim into self-blame, which is not a positive step in healing. However, there will be a time during healing when I feel that forgiveness makes complete sense. It's an individual thing, not a blanket "ok, it's been 3 months, now you must forgive" thing. IT comes in its own time.


Quote:
I mean, it is for our benefit, so if it does not benefit us why do it?
Because forgiving allows you to do two things: 1) it helps survivors put their abuse into the larger context of life, and 2) it helps survivors come to terms with their own need to be forgiven. It's as I said earlier. We have all hurt other people, and in order to get on with life, we need to make peace with the people we have hurt, i.e., we need to ask them for their forgiveness.

Forgiveness comes naturally to children. It is only by being hurt that they begin to stop forgiving others. It is a natural human trait. By forgiving, you release yourself to begin coming to terms with your own actions and any wrongs you may have done others. It restores love and harmony to human relationships. And the reason why I found forgiving my perp to be so liberating, and such an integral part of my healing, is because it has freed me to begin to make peace with the people I have hurt. How can I ask those people to forgive me, if I myself have not forgiven others?

I think you will find that forgiveness makes perfect sense, if you think of it in terms of the greater good. But it has to happen in its own time, when the survivor is ready. Its like I said to Kirk, do you feel better bringing hope, or causing pain? And if forgiveness brings hope to the world, then what use is hate and anger, which only destroys hope?

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

Top
#49944 - 12/08/06 02:35 AM Re: FORGIVE????????
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
It will be a cold day in Hell the day that I forgive the SOB that raped me .
There is a place reserved in Hell for people that do thease terrable things.

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

Top
Page 4 of 13 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 12 13 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.