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#49996 - 12/15/06 02:59 AM Re: FORGIVE????????
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by Hauser:
May I reiterate what I said before? (I feel all alone on this one). I, on the basis of hoping I can be forgiven for hurting other people in my life in the past, have forgiven my perps. They weren't the sadistic, violent, type of perps. I actually found it rather easy to forgive them, but I STILL don't feel better about it. What's that all about?
Hauser, you're not all alone. For a long time after I forgave my perp, I really didn't feel any differently, and I didn't see any effect in my life. Then something very good happened with another person (I can't go into details) and I realised that because of my forgiveness, some good came into the world. That was reward enough.

I think the other thing that happened is that I needed to beg someone very close to me for their forgiveness for something I had done to them. I found this a little easier after I had forgiven my perp. In fact, I think if I had not forgiven my perp, and myself, I would never have had the courage to ask my friend for their forgiveness. Maybe forgiving my perp made me humble. I really don't know and I wish I did.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#49997 - 12/15/06 11:49 AM Re: FORGIVE????????
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I respect people who choose to forgive. I also respect people who feel that is not the choice for them. Quite a few times, since I have been a member here, this subject has come up, and it often becomes a battle of beliefs, and we can become quite obnoxious towards each other in defending what our belief and choice is. Forgiveness is a very personal thing, and is an individual decision. No one should feel guilted or shamed into doing it if it is not what they wish to do.

I will never forgive my father. I do not waste energy in anger toward him or hating him. I am more indifferent towards him now. But I never will forgive him. He killed my brother with his abuse. To me, in my mind and my personal ethics, that is unforgiveable.

To willingly harm someone weaker than you, knowing that you are causing harm, and to continue to do it without any seeming conscience, and to never acknowledge responsibility for your actions or remorse, to me, that strikes as someone who does not deserve forgiveness. Some will perhaps still make that choice, and power and good wishes to them. Others will not, and power and good wishes to them also.

The man who was my primary sexual abuser, he has expressed regret recently. I am suspicious of him to the extent that I wonder if it is not some devious mind f**k, which I know he (as I have known him before) is quite capable of. I do not forgive, but I pity him, because as a friend said to me once, he can not possibly have any peace in his heart and soul. I find that sad.

I choose to not forgive, at this time. Perhaps some day I will change my mind about that. But my decision deserves respect, whichever it is I choose. I am not causing any hurt or harm with not forgiving, including to myself. So to me, it is not a major issue.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#49998 - 12/15/06 11:51 AM Re: FORGIVE????????
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Quote:
Originally posted by innerstrength:
Has anyone here confronted their abuser?
Yes, and was laughed at, degraded, and further abused at the time.

L.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#49999 - 12/16/06 02:14 AM Re: FORGIVE????????
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
I just want to acknowledge all of my brothers opinions about this subject. Your opinions are very important to me and i learned alot about past expereinces from your thoughts.

For me, i forgave the perps. I hold the power now over one who is still alive. I forgave in my heart, but never expressed it verbually to him and not sure if i ever will. That is the way i see it for me, sounds sound of stange, but it works for me.

I did for me, not them. I am still fucken pissed and angry with them though. I forgave, but will never forget.

I didn't make a conscience decision to sit down and do it, at a certain time etc... It just happened one day out of the blue.

Doing this for me caused my anxiety level to diminish to a level that was manageable. I knew after i did this that i can go back to work. Was off on disability at that time. Have been back to work fulltime about 2 years now.

THought i would share my experence with you all.

H.I

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#50000 - 12/16/06 05:26 PM Re: FORGIVE????????
Steven Heath Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/06
Posts: 81
Loc: New York City
I have been reading everyone's thoughts, responses, reactions and feelings on this subject and really appreciaite everyone's input. Through the many years since my abuse stopped and working with therapists and opening up to friends my level of "forgiveness" or lack there of has never waivered or lessened. I will never forgive my uncle. My constant focus and struggle is to forgive myself for letting it happen. Or at least that is the way my brain still to this day interprets it. Also.....and this is a really hard one, it seems that I hold huge deeply buried anger toward my parents for not protecting me. Most of my friends feel that I let them "off the hook". I do not feel anger toward them on the surface and love them dearly, but they as all of us, have shortcomings. So if that is letting them off the hook...I guess my friends are right.
Steve


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#50001 - 12/18/06 02:24 AM Re: FORGIVE????????
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Steven,

I feel much anger also to my parents, deep inside, for not protecting me also, but i love my parents very much.

For my situatiuon i don't show any harshness toward them. Everytime they see my struggles, they know what whey should have done, decades ago and they have to live with that mistake for the rest of their lives.

In my book that is punishment enough.

Healing Inside

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#50002 - 12/18/06 09:07 AM Re: FORGIVE????????
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
Forgiveness is a hard thing to do . Some of us may never be able to find it in our heart. I have never ben able to find it . Some others may say that they have forgiven . but down deep have they truly forgiven ?

I see that 100 replys have ben sent to this subject ,it must of touched a nerve

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#50003 - 12/18/06 03:12 PM Re: FORGIVE????????
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by OKIE MIKE:
Forgiveness is a hard thing to do . Some of us may never be able to find it in our heart. I have never ben able to find it . Some others may say that they have forgiven . but down deep have they truly forgiven ?

I see that 100 replys have ben sent to this subject ,it must of touched a nerve
I have truly forgiven.

I was reading a story this morning about the parents of a girl, named Reena Virk, who was murdered in Canada a few years ago. She was 15 years old. A group of other kids started bullying her and then a couple of them went too far and beat her to death. It was a horrible, mindless crime and it shocked the nation.

One of Reena's killers came up for parole this past summer, and to everyone's surprise, her parents supported his parole application. Reena's mother said, "she was thankful that he had taken responsibility for his actions and expressed the hope that he would truly love and respect others for the rest of his life."
http://www.voiceonline.com/voice/060722/headline7.php

Forgiveness does not come easily, and it doesn't erase what happened in the past, but it does come. In this case, Reena Virk's parents saw past their own anguish and forgave their daughter's murderer, and at the same time they helped him gain a bit of hope for his own future. Nothing has changed about his crime, and he is still in the custody of the justice system, but by forgiving him, Reena's parents have shown that they believe in hope.

I am a survivor and a father, and I can honestly tell you that I would endure anything, even another rape, to save my child. I can't even imagine how I would live if someone killed him. Yet these people, who lost their baby to a stupid, mindless crime, were able to forgive their child's killer and help him on his way to rehabilitation.

Food for thought.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#50004 - 12/19/06 04:14 AM Re: FORGIVE????????
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
.people can crack under the strain of losing a child .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#50005 - 12/19/06 04:23 AM Re: FORGIVE????????
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
From the article that Nobbynobs put link to:

Quote:
The three members of the parole board panel pointed out that he had had more than 200 escorted, temporary absences without incident and that he had shown remorse and empathy.

I think this is something to make difference. This person is reported he have 'shown remorse and empathy'. None my abusers have shown that at all. So for why would I forgive someone who have not shown that they would not just do it again, to me or another?


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