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#49662 - 03/01/03 12:31 PM need advice regarding therapist
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
I have been seeing my new therapist for 4 months now....my previous one, who i cared alot about left to take a higher paying position......i just do not feel like my new therapist is very empathetic...do you guys feel that is good or bad????? i know my previous therapist and i probably became friends and i felt with the change that i would refrain from learning very much about my new therapist's life, thinking that might aid in recovery.....but at times i feel she is very judgemental.....she tells me that everything in my life is the way it is because of choices i make.....i choose to be unhappy and the only way i'll ever be happy is to choose to be happy....at some level i agree with that assessment, but i am just coming to grips with believing my memories of abuse are true.....i do not choose to sleep 2 hours a night because i wake up every 15-20 minutes with bad dreams....i sleep the 2 hours because i am on medication to block dreams from my conscience, but their life span is limited....once they wear off i wake and if i try sleeping more, it is hell, because i awake 15-20 times during the night, never getting any real sleep.....

i am not seeking pity from my therapist, but maybe a better understanding of the consequences of the abuse.....she is younger, happily married and at times i know she cannot understand how difficult making friends is for someone like myself who trusts nobody, especially myself....i guess i need to decide if her style of "therapy" is helping me or actually hurting me.....some things she advises me to do, do help....but is the bad outweighing the good????? she brings up the fact that i continue to attend therapy sessions and in a way, i feel like she taunts me and questions why i attend sessions....i'm honestly considering not going back to see her anymore.....i'd really appreciate anyboby's insight regarding this matter....thank you......michael


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#49663 - 03/01/03 01:03 PM Re: need advice regarding therapist
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I would be wondering like you what her intentions were and if she had the right procedure for me as well. She doesn't sound overly empathetic and maybe she just sees you differently.

However, I agree a lot with the choices things but I also know from first hand experience that when you are in the middle of the nightmares, that is not a choice. They tend to take over your life until you can work through them.

I found myself just wanting to say, look therapist, you've got to be patient and it does take time. But then without being in that therapy session, I may be out of line in saying that.

What I would do is take your next visit to share with her exactly what you told us. Maybe print the post out if it helps. But get her to respond to it. If she shows no or little compassion, patience and emphathy, than I would look for someone else. It could open her up to something she is not aware that she is doing and it could end up being good for both of you (note: could, possibly). If nothing else, you will have gotten a chance to stand up for yourself regarding what you need and that can be very powerful and healing in itself.

Than go from there but let what you feel inside of you be your guide as well.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

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#49664 - 03/01/03 01:24 PM Re: need advice regarding therapist
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
Look for a new "T" It took a while but I finally have 2 "T"s and a Shrink that are pretty empathetic.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#49665 - 03/01/03 02:09 PM Re: need advice regarding therapist
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
MichaelB:
Check out http://www.malesurvivor.org/articles/singer1.htm

If your therapist isn't working for you, find a new one. Therapy should be a partnership in healing, not something where someone is doing something to you or not helping by making you feel worse.

Don't worry about hurting her feelings. That is her profession. She may be very good with other clients or other kinds of problems. It's not your responsibility to make her feel good.

Ken


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#49666 - 03/01/03 06:02 PM Re: need advice regarding therapist
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Michealb - I agree with talking straight forward with your T. You may want to say something like - "When you do (this or that) it makes me feel (X)" or "...it makes me feel like you....". Never shy away from being honest - open - willing (H.O.W.) in your therapy. If you find you are not open and honest with your T, there is a problem = you hide it or stuff it within. That's what I thought we were trying to get away from?

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#49667 - 03/01/03 06:02 PM Re: need advice regarding therapist
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Michealb - I agree with talking straight forward with your T. You may want to say something like - "When you do (this or that) it makes me feel (X)" or "...it makes me feel like you....". Never shy away from being honest - open - willing (H.O.W.) in your therapy. If you find you are not open and honest with your T, there is a problem = you hide it or stuff it within. That's what I thought we were trying to get away from?

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#49668 - 03/01/03 11:38 PM Re: need advice regarding therapist
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Michael,

This is Jess. Find another therapist. Don't waste anymore time or money on a therapist that does not understand male survivor issues or the post traumatic effects caused by sa in a person's life.

Go to http://www.malesurvivor.org. At the top click on to "Survivors." Drop down to "For Adults." Then Read the articles in this section. Especially read the article titled, A Consumer's Guide To Therapist Shopping by Ken Singer, LCSW. This will give you the answers to your questions regarding your current therapist.

I read this article the first day I was here at Male Survivor, and two days later, I used all of the questions when I interviewed a therapist for myself. He appreciated my candor, and the honest quality of the questions I asked. I thought he answered those questions in a satisfactory manner, so I hired him. I have had five great sessions with him, and I think it's working out fine.

Michael, do all of the above, but don't use this as an excuse to STAY OUT of therapy. You need to be IN therapy, just like I do! So do it now, and good luck.

Sincerely, Jess.

P.S. Sorry this sounds so bossy. I am just convinced that a Male Survivor needs a therapist who understands him and his present situation. It seems that your current therapist doesn't, and you deserve better, my Brother!

Jess.


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