Danny responded to Micheal's post in the topic "wondering about sex" by saying
Without my unwanted old behavior what will I be?
Sort of like the hole in the donut? I don't know what I'll be, but I do know that most days I am ready to take the risk and let go of the old familiar while reaching out for
the new unknown.
I resonate with this because I struggled with this for many years. I guess I just automatically assumed that once I worked through the bullshit from all the self defeating behaviors that were a result of my SA, that a wonderful new world would automatically drop into its place. WRONG!
Since I am not married, [although I was and have since raised my kids], my time and my life is my own. While the kids were growing up, I was so busy playing a role, I didn't have much time to think about who was ron beyond the day to day functional stuff. Now with freedom on my hands, I am confronted with re-inventing myself.
This sucks! I used to live my life following the beckoning finger of my deep need for love. It totally dominated my life. It made me do things and go places that a conscious person would have thought twice before doing. I moved to Denver and back, changed jobs, careers, residences all in the name of pusuing "love". Well what I realized I was pursuing was the powerful recreation of the moment of the most intense closeness that I had ever experienced at the hands of my perp older brother, that sonofabitch. Sorta like trying to recapture that early morning nicotine jolt day in and day out.
Now that I quit smoking [literally and figuratively], I find me in the very precarious position of being responsible for making life decisions. Gratefully, the decisions are not being made from my inner impetus to cling and claw, but rather to embellish my life.
THIS IS SO HARD!!!!!! I am not used to mountain climbing!!!! I am used to just sitting there thinking about mountain climbing. My arms hurt. I don't wanna risk that the next toe hold is maybe not gonna take , I............don't wanna break a nail!!!!! I DON'T WANNA FALL!
I don't want to feel fear again! Old or new, I just don't want to feel it.
I know this is perfectly natural stuff that most people usually go through, but they usually go through it with a healthy support system, something that before I met you all, was sorely lacking in my life.
Anyway, I am not dying from this, but it is scary and I just wanted to share my fear and say thanks to all of you for being here and for bringing out the worst in me.