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#49614 - 07/02/03 09:36 AM Re-inventing your life
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Guys,

Danny responded to Micheal's post in the topic "wondering about sex" by saying

Quote:
Without my unwanted old behavior what will I be?
Sort of like the hole in the donut? I don't know what I'll be, but I do know that most days I am ready to take the risk and let go of the old familiar while reaching out for
the new unknown.
I resonate with this because I struggled with this for many years. I guess I just automatically assumed that once I worked through the bullshit from all the self defeating behaviors that were a result of my SA, that a wonderful new world would automatically drop into its place. WRONG!

Since I am not married, [although I was and have since raised my kids], my time and my life is my own. While the kids were growing up, I was so busy playing a role, I didn't have much time to think about who was ron beyond the day to day functional stuff. Now with freedom on my hands, I am confronted with re-inventing myself.

This sucks! I used to live my life following the beckoning finger of my deep need for love. It totally dominated my life. It made me do things and go places that a conscious person would have thought twice before doing. I moved to Denver and back, changed jobs, careers, residences all in the name of pusuing "love". Well what I realized I was pursuing was the powerful recreation of the moment of the most intense closeness that I had ever experienced at the hands of my perp older brother, that sonofabitch. Sorta like trying to recapture that early morning nicotine jolt day in and day out.

Now that I quit smoking [literally and figuratively], I find me in the very precarious position of being responsible for making life decisions. Gratefully, the decisions are not being made from my inner impetus to cling and claw, but rather to embellish my life.

THIS IS SO HARD!!!!!! I am not used to mountain climbing!!!! I am used to just sitting there thinking about mountain climbing. My arms hurt. I don't wanna risk that the next toe hold is maybe not gonna take , I............don't wanna break a nail!!!!! I DON'T WANNA FALL!

I don't want to feel fear again! Old or new, I just don't want to feel it.

I know this is perfectly natural stuff that most people usually go through, but they usually go through it with a healthy support system, something that before I met you all, was sorely lacking in my life.

Anyway, I am not dying from this, but it is scary and I just wanted to share my fear and say thanks to all of you for being here and for bringing out the worst in me.

Fondly,

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#49615 - 07/02/03 10:28 AM Re: Re-inventing your life
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Quote:
THIS IS SO HARD!!!!!! I am not used to mountain climbing!!!! I am used to just sitting there thinking about mountain climbing. My arms hurt. I don't wanna risk that the next toe hold is maybe not gonna take , I............don't wanna break a nail!!!!! I DON'T WANNA FALL!
I think I'm still paralyized by fear. Instead of taking life by the balls I'm becoming more content to just live with my parents forever. It's safe. I know that the rewards of life would be far greater than what my little room will ever have to offer. It's just that the risks seem to be too great. \:\(

Mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#49616 - 07/02/03 10:48 AM Re: Re-inventing your life
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Ron:

Quote:
Now that I quit smoking [literally and figuratively], I find me in the very precarious position of being responsible for making life decisions. Gratefully, the decisions are not being made from my inner impetus to cling and claw, but rather to embellish my life.

THIS IS SO HARD!!!!!! I am not used to mountain climbing!!!! I am used to just sitting there thinking about mountain climbing. My arms hurt. I don't wanna risk that the next toe hold is maybe not gonna take , I............don't wanna break a nail!!!!! I DON'T WANNA FALL!
That is what it is all about Ron. Risk taking and getting away from what was safe yet selfdestructing. I think that we have to be willing to step outside the shell that was created for us by them and re enforced by us and accept the world as an dangerous but really exciting place to be in. We have to live life not merely be a passive observer of it.

Hey I would break a leg to keep on climbing. Ten feet up and nine back it makes no difference to me. By god I am going to make it. I dont want my epitath to read "One more broken Sould"

Sleepy you gotta break out to my brother. Think about all that life has to offer and what you really want and how you want to get there and JUST DO IT. Screw the safety!!! Be prepared to get knocked around a bit. That is life. Screw the Perps!!! Despite them you will be whole and living life. Come on Tiger join the climb beyond Everest.

aWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEE

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#49617 - 07/02/03 04:36 PM Re: Re-inventing your life
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
WhyMe,
Quote:
I would rather be alone in my parents' spare bedroom than in a mansion sharing the bed with a stranger. Even if that stranger may be the partner that I used to think loved me.
That's one of the best bits of advice that I've ever heard. Thank you.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

Top
#49618 - 07/03/03 06:40 PM Re: Re-inventing your life
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Thanks guys for your comments on my query. I really appreciate your feedback. Bless you all.

Gratefully,

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#49619 - 07/03/03 07:05 PM Re: Re-inventing your life
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I'm convinced that as we as we overcome our old behaviours we need something to replace them.

My fantasies and acting out took up so much time and really did dominate my life to the extent that I would rather sit on my arse and continue my fantasy than do something.
So leaving them behind somewhere did leave me with the hole in the donut, and I've had to fill it.
I'm frightened of going back and using my fantasies again if I'm idle, but that's easing off and I can sit and chill sometimes without any bad effects.


Some of the things that fill my time now are well known here, I help here, I help at a UK Survivors charity, I drive a competition 4x4 - you've heard it all before from me I'm sure. But I also do some housework, help my wife, go to the shop, pay some bills, wash the car. It's all normal domestic stuff, but a few years ago these things were my mountains. They were genuinly scary to me because I'd never felt responsible enough to do them. My self esteem was so bad I thought that if I cleaned the shower I was bound to f**k it up and be in worse trouble with my wife than I would be for not doing it at all.

These mundane tasks became risks, as much of a risk that Mike feels by not going out possibly, and I still feel some small risk in doing these things.
But I took them, slowly at first and very cautiously, but as I discovered that I could go to the butchers shop and come back with the right order it led me to believe that I wasn't the useless, incompetent, good for nothing cretin that I thought I was.
Actually, thatwas what my abusers told me I was, and they were f****g liars !

Next week I'm learning "Basic knife and fork for beginners." ;\)

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#49620 - 07/03/03 08:45 PM Re: Re-inventing your life
MEC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/03
Posts: 62
Loc: NJ
Hey Ron,
You said, "I guess I just automatically assumed that once I worked through the bullshit from all the self defeating behaviors that were a result of my SA, that a wonderful new world would automatically drop into its place. WRONG!"

Me to a T. For the first few weeks after the recovery of my buried SA memories, my entire outlook, personality, self-esteem, on and on changed dramatically to the positive. People responded to the 'new' me and it was like the looking glass self, seeing positive responses in others toward me, feeding back and reinforcing the new direction for me.

Seems I've come to a plateau, and while non-intimate events continue to be excellent, there remains coming to terms with those persistent deep rooted lonerisms (for lack of a better word) and loathing of the deviant sexual self. Unless I can redefine that pair, I fear they will be like seeds of weeds I had recently cut down. And even in re-framing it all, the emptiness and being alone, as was said by TheDean and thinking about his words since they were said, that the weeds will eventual grow to destroy the 'new' me.

_________________________
Michael

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