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#49575 - 03/03/03 11:26 AM Re: is suicide really all that bad?
PeteT Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Michigan
My exsistence today depends on my desire to be free. Most of my life I have felt like a loser. It seem that everything I did, everything I said, and everything I tried to do, failed me. I knew not about happiness for there was none in my soul,only numbness,pain,and sorrow.
My wife of 26 years kept asking "What is wrong with you," and I said nothing. My silence was my nightmare. I ached of the pain inside because I could not let the truth be knowen. My reason for being was to make others happy , not myself, until I almost lost it all.
At that point I had nothing to lose, and I released my secret. I had 35 years of pain lock up that started to flow out. Should I take pills, or run into the back of that semi-truck, or maybe a bullet to the head would take the pain away.
I needed to be held, I needed to be secure. I cried out, but the pain did not go away. I pushed and the pain came back. I pushed harder but it kept coming back. I screamed but it still came back.
I'm still crying, pushing and screaming that pain away and it keeps coming back but each time it gets just a little bit easier. Slowly, ever so slowly I am filling that void with happiness.
Is SA about winning or losing? No, I believe it's about regaing the freedom that was stolen from me. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever be free? I'm damn well going to try. I deserve it. I believe we all do!

_________________________
Pete

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#49576 - 03/03/03 12:03 PM Re: is suicide really all that bad?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Pete, it sounds to me like you're well on your way to freedom, or in the process of being free, already. WTG & welcome to this brotherhood of male survivors!

Winning or losing, freedom or bondage, survivor or victim. For me, recovery is about the recovery of my true self, buried under the rubble of SA, it's about discovering & becoming the real me.

Have to be alive to do that.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#49577 - 03/03/03 12:42 PM Re: is suicide really all that bad?
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
michaelb.....You are in the throes of an epic battle. It is a battle of life and death consequences.

We, here, know that pain.

My mother too was all consumed with her own needs. She took me to bed with her because she was cold and lonely. In her sick needyness she was clueless as to what she was doing to me.

Her behavior did not meet her own standards so she could not consciously acknowledge what she was doing to me.

on an unconscious level she was doing to me what she wanted to do to her own father and grandfather who both hurt her so bad.

Deep in her gut she wanted to destroy them both for what they did to her.

She could not.

I was the closest one she could destroy and get away with it, smiling. She managed to do it "lovingly" so she could pretend to herself that she was doing nothing wrong.

she was acting out her own victimization, which is still no excuse. It was not her father or grandfather doing it to me,... it was she.


Keep talking my brother michaelb. Keep your rage here on the table. You show great courage bringing it here and sharing it. It is welcome here.

When I was in the throes of my own epic battle, "not letting my perpetrators win," did sound like a contest that was among many that I was doomed to lose. I think another way to say it is I'm not going to treat myself like my mother taught me to treat myself, no one deserves that... not even me.

Please take this as an invitation to life. You do not deserve to die. No one here deserves death by murder.

It ain't easy but time and talking can heal.

What you are experiencing now is hell, but as is said in 12-step survivors groups, "if any one of us can heal, then so can all of us."

I wish for you the peace you so desperately seek.


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#49578 - 03/03/03 12:56 PM Re: is suicide really all that bad?
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Beautiful heartfelt words PeteT


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#49579 - 03/03/03 12:56 PM Re: is suicide really all that bad?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Pete
Welcome to MS, and your first post here is an astonishing one. Your story mirrors mine and so many others here.

This whole topic is obviously touching a lot of people deeply. I hope we all benefit from it because it's often an unspoken taboo. So many people refuse to discuss suicide, some wont use that word, and they hope the whole thing will go away.

It wont go away, there's always going to be someone who feels that the suffering they are enduring has no end and suicide is the way out.
I have to say it isn't.
I'm enjoying my life now, ok it's not perfect but how many 'normal' people have prfect lives. None that I know. So I'll accept the hard work, the pain of therapy and the residual effects I still have in exchange for my life today.


Quote:
My wife and daughter were frantic with relief.
What this is all leading to is that I had never felt so much love right then from my family. It was a love that, no matter what, I had worth. Quite a relevation.
Mike wrote this and I know that feeling, I know it from BOTH sides. Like Mike I've been astounded by my wife's reaction, and I've also felt the sheer panic and confusion when my brother survived a suicide attempt. We're on different sides of the Atlantic, but I felt our emotions down a phone line. In the months that followed until we did met up I know we both risked short circuiting our keyboards to floods of tears as we emailed.

We have to think about those that would be left behind, we have no right to be so selfish as to cause them so much pain for a start. Although many people might disagree with that.

The most important thing is to recognise that the people surrounding us are there for a reason, they love us, they like us. They might be blood relatives or someone we chat to at the store. Whoever they are they care, if they really, truly didn't care they would have dissapeared long ago.
And if they care, they'll help in whatever way they can. It's human nature.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#49580 - 03/03/03 01:55 PM Re: is suicide really all that bad?
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
My wife was furious when I was suicidal (at least 3 attempts) and could not be supportive. I had the feeling she was impatiently tapping her foot when she still said two years later, "When are you going to be done with this THERAPY THING.

What I now understand is that I had attempted to abandon her just like her just like her alchoholic dad did emotionally. I became all men to her.

It is understandable that because I had figuratively slapped her in the face, she wanted to figuratively slap back.

It has been 33 yrs together and for several years I have seen how I just ditched the love she had for me back then. I can now understand why I had to do it, but that is not an excuse now either.

We all have our frailties.


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#49581 - 03/03/03 05:07 PM Re: is suicide really all that bad?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
I think another way to say it is I'm not going to treat myself like my mother taught me to treat myself, no one deserves that... not even me.
RJD, little bro, those are powerful words. As you know, I could have pretty much written these words and that entire post of yours myself, for me. Maybe we were separated at birth or something?... ;\)

Quote:
I'm enjoying my life now, ok it's not perfect but how many 'normal' people have prfect lives. None that I know. So I'll accept the hard work, the pain of therapy and the residual effects I still have in exchange for my life today.
Me too, Dave! And just what in the world is a "normal" person anyway, right?! Frankly, I think
"normalcy" is highly overrated!

\:D
Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#49582 - 03/04/03 12:42 AM Re: is suicide really all that bad?
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Do I feel the pull of suicide? Hell yes. Nearly daily, unless my day is soooo busy that I have absolutly no time to think about anything except what I have to get done/am doing that day, and then go to bed so exhausted I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Does my perp win if I kill myself? I don't know. I just want it all to stop. I tried once when I was 15 or 16. I had finally realized what had been done to me, it all came back with crystal clarity. That coupled with the fact that my mother was living with a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic was just too much. Fortunately, I'm a big guy, and the hooks in the celing of my house are not very strong. \:\)

Sometimes, I wonder "what the hell was I thinking?" Other times, I just wish the hook was stronger.

So far the only thing that keeps me from carrying out my suicidal thoughts is the knowledge that without me, my mother would be utterly devistated. I stay alive for her. I don't know what I'll do when she dies. Hopefully by confronting all this within myself by then I'll have another reason. Or better yet... it won't even be a consideration.

Thanks for listening all.

Eric


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#49583 - 03/04/03 10:50 AM Re: is suicide really all that bad?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
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_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#49584 - 03/04/03 10:57 AM Re: is suicide really all that bad?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
I don't know what I'll do when she dies. Hopefully by confronting all this within myself by then I'll have another reason. Or better yet... it won't even be a consideration.
Eric, I'm betting on "it won't even be a consideration."

And I'm glad the hook wasn't stronger! \:\)

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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