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#49474 - 04/02/06 10:53 PM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
andrew76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/02
Posts: 118
Loc: Florida
Malidin,

Do not feel pressured into opening up on the board when ever you are ready it is up to you to feel safe when you share and the men on this board understand more then other people around any of us that have never been in our shoes.The general public just does not understand what we as survivors have been thru and the hell we have had to endure.I would say this just because of this one topic don't let that drive you away from the very thing you are looking for which is someone that you can talk to that will be true and will listen to you and help you when you are ready and willing to share.

_________________________


Eye of tiger stares down perp,tiger teeth rips perp to shreds
to be abused kills the soul
to survive is to live the ultimate punishment

Knocking on hells door!!

To be silenced is an American amendment right violation,free speech

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#49475 - 04/02/06 11:38 PM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
andrew76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/02
Posts: 118
Loc: Florida
Forgiveness for some of us here may be something that has to happen in order for us to truely heal but,for others here forgiveness is just like the death row inmate just getting ready to meet his maker and he asks for forgiveness from whom ever he offended and those individuals forgive this offender and as some of us have witnessed it puts that offender at rest prior to meeting his maker.....my view is why would one want to put his offender at rest i personally would rather see the offender in agony and being torchered but that is my view what is the saying...."What goes around comes around" this is how i feel.Some say forgiveness is a choice and i would agree however,we all have our own timing and methods in how and when we forgive if we forgive at all.

I would say this though it helps to take in other opinions of other survivors as sometimes we need a different perspective even if we don't want to listen right then things sink in after awhile and maybe what someone else says may make a difference in someone elses life.

_________________________


Eye of tiger stares down perp,tiger teeth rips perp to shreds
to be abused kills the soul
to survive is to live the ultimate punishment

Knocking on hells door!!

To be silenced is an American amendment right violation,free speech

Top
#49476 - 04/03/06 05:22 AM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
I will leave the decision of what path one should take through this area of their recovery up to the individual who has to make that choice. They need to have the freedom of making that decision in a time, place, and method which meets their needs at the time. It would be somewhat arrogant and abusive of me to try to make that decision for anyone else here.

I can use black and white thinking on myself if I want to. It is wrong of me to impose it on anyone else in regards to the matter of forgiving anyone for anything.

Just my $0.02 worth.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#49477 - 04/03/06 11:53 AM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
John,

I really like this approach:

Quote:
I will leave the decision of what path one should take through this area of their recovery up to the individual who has to make that choice. They need to have the freedom of making that decision in a time, place, and method which meets their needs at the time.
This point is something that really needs to be stressed here.

This thread hits a lot of hot buttons, and I hope everyone will read it just as ideas offered from a lot of different perspectives. There isn't any absolutely right or wrong way to deal with this one, I think. There is only "my way", which each of us has to figure out in terms of what we think is best for ourselves and for our recovery.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#49478 - 04/03/06 01:33 PM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
"Sorry"!

How many times have I/You, used that same word.
It is a simple act of forgiveness borne out of guilt.

How many sorrys' do each and every one of us dish out in a lifetime, sometimes when we are really hurt by others?

The vicious circle of guilt from eternally forgiving or fighting when we need not have had to feel that way.

Forgiveness is simply an act of walking away from a situation rather than let it constantly hurt us.
Dont get messed up in this vicious circle, dont let it constantly hurt.

If somebody chopped my hand off, and I forgive them it is to lessen the pain, if they said sorry, it would not lessen the pain.

Forgiveness simply stops further hurt, but it is not going to much lessen the impact of abuse.
There simply is no other way out.
Anger and frustration have never solved anything that I ever remember.

That is my 0.02 cents,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#49479 - 04/05/06 08:50 AM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I think it is very importent that no one here put on another person here how they must deal of this and heal. As it is said in other post, what work for us, it do not work always for others. Whether you 'should' forgive or not, it is your choice, not mine or no one else. We all have had enough forced on us in past. We do not need it here too. I have not forgiven anyone who abuse me. I do not feel need to. Maybe some day I will. But right now, I do not feel I need to to heal, or to feel I am good or complete person. Anyone who tell me I must, I have no respect for.

VN


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#49480 - 04/12/06 11:54 AM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I am adding to this, because few times, I have tried to explain it, what I mean of 'forgiveness', and why I make the choice. Never I think I speak it properly.

But in a PM to someone, I said it I think right finally.

Forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for us. For me, to forgive, it was not to erase what was done to me. It was to allow me to be the person I am, and am meant to be. That is all.

Andrei


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#49481 - 04/12/06 05:39 PM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
relaxingpiano Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/06
Posts: 53
Loc: Miami FL
I believe forgiveness is a personal thing and when we are ready to look at it, we will. But until then it is a very difficult topic.

For years, I heard people tell me to forgive my abusers and there was no way that I could. The pain of what happened was still far too real to my heart. My heart had been torn apart and there was no way I could even think about forgiveness until my heart had mended a little.

Recently in a healing session, we did some work with forgiveness and I was quite shocked at myself because I never ever ever ever thought I'd see that day. But then it finally dawned on me that I wasn't doing this for my abusers... I was doing it for myself and to release myself from their shame, hurt and betrayal. Of course that is my process and where I'm at. It took me a long long time to get to this particular point in my own healing.

Forgiveness isn't an act that someone just does all at once. It is a process and it most likely comes when a person is ready for it. Everyone has different views on it and I believe they are all valid.

The more important point to focus on I believe is healing your life and being open to where ever that takes you. The rest is only mile markers on that journey.

Don

_________________________
Relaxing Piano Music from the Heart

http://www.donshetterly.com

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#49482 - 04/13/06 11:26 PM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
So forgive yourselves! **** the abusers - do they count for anything?

TRIGGER...TRIGGER...TRIGGER

I need the opportunity to stand in front of the paedophile that sexualised me and stole my formative years! I need to stand in front of his face and ask him why he wanted to remove my clothes and play with my body on several occassions! I want to know why he pretended to be my best friend (a replacement uncle/grandfather) prior to abusing my body and mind!!??

I know that he would deny everything, as he has on numerous occassions in a legal setting! Only once pleading guilty, then trying to withdraw that plea!

Do not fool yourselves...forgiving yourself is one thing...attempting to give a reason for forgiving these vile excuses for human beings is another! Please do not confuse the two.

Make exuces for them if you wish...is that forgiveness. I believe that really forgiving, means self forgiveness....let them plead their own forgiveness....James Fowler has never asked my forgiveness! He admitted 4 specimen crimes against myself, and 1 specimen crime against another....then tried to withdraw the guilty plea.

I end, where I came in.... **** the abusers!

Best wishes...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#441131 - 07/17/13 05:42 AM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers? [Re: melliferal]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3018
Loc: O Kanada
i would like to share my own story of forgiveness with you.
it worked for me.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=432551#Post432551

hope you find something in there that makes sense to you.

much love.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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