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#494655 - 01/27/16 07:53 PM Exploring sexual attraction safely.
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 277
Loc: Western Canada
Hi y'all,

I've recently had a rather intriguing development in my healing process. As I've become more involved in community and more exposed to the standard frustrations of heterosexual couples, I've noticed how little tolerance I have for mixed social environments where deep healing isn't on the agenda. It's just too stressful. All it takes is one attractive woman to show more interest in me than is normal and I'm dealing with severe symptoms of stress for days. More recently I got triggered by a seemingly innocent but very sexy You-Tube video. It resulted in body symptoms that my Naturopath suggested might be something "eating me up". While pondering this, I realized that I struggle with feelings of sexual attraction to women very deeply and very powerfully. They feel threatening to me. I decided to write out my fantasy in a journal and the body symptoms have since disappeared.

Do any of you struggle with feelings of sexual attraction to women? Have you tried journalling as a way to safely experience these feelings and dreams? Has anything else you've tried helped?

Sincerely,

GAATT
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#494661 - 01/27/16 10:44 PM Re: Exploring sexual attraction safely. [Re: gaatt]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 460
Loc: NY
Gaatt:

As always, I feel a kinship with your questions.

You are both brave and honest, and I continue to wish you well on this difficult journey to balance and health.

The idea of safely experiencing seems to me a valuable goal. What is ironic is of course that somehow we are taught that not safely experiencing sex is a possible and sometimes more exciting alternative.

To what end, I wonder. On the contary, as you write out your fantasies and look at the imagination at work in your dreams, it seems that you are engaging consciously with impulses without denying them. You are seeking the fullness of yourself, the light and dark, the safe and the unsafe. Perhaps only in doing so can you ask yourself what is truly okay for you.

There are times in my life that I have done this on what I thought was a pretty conscious level of understanding only to discover later that I had not perceived much deeper aspects of my experience.

While we may be conditioned to look at the body as having impulses that are "natural", it is also true that the body follows the mind, since they are connected in some way. To find out how to speak to your body is a form of addressing and getting to know the power of your impulses. I tend to believe that over time, you will get to know those impulses enough that you can be informed by them and not overwhelmed by them.

That being said, I struggle with this and have also found that it can be helpful to try and to ask what feelings are mixed in with the experience. As men, I'm not sure we are encouraged much to do this. We don't have a lot of places where sex and emotion are simultaneously expressed, except when the going gets tough in a relationship. It seems to be healthy and proactive to be considering it as you are.

Take your time and keep going.

And let us know what happens.

Thank you,

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#494944 - 02/03/16 03:56 PM Re: Exploring sexual attraction safely. [Re: focusedbody]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 277
Loc: Western Canada
Thanks for your thoughts and your support FB,

I find them very helpful.I feel less isolated in this exploration.

Originally Posted By: focusedbody
What is ironic is of course that somehow we are taught that not safely experiencing sex is a possible and sometimes more exciting alternative.


I've been pondering the role modelling I got in my youth. I was talking with a female friend I invited to a practice "Cuddle Party" I was hosting and mentioned that the military (my father was an officer) isn't a healthy expression of male sexuality. Male sexuality naturally serves life. The military serves death and most obviously in the Cold War era in which my father served. As I considered this I realized that no wonder there is so much confusion around sex and violence. We celebrate men's protective role very strongly. We don't celebrate restraint. Is it any wonder that rape is a common form of "collateral damage" in times of war?

As I'm unraveling the mess in myself and initiating a local leadership role towards a healthy male sexuality (I do this through my interest in supporting efforts to heal male survivors like ourselves, Cuddle Party, Karezza, and Warren Farrell's works) I'm seeing the effects of my youth more clearly. Feeling any kind of vulnerability wasn't valued nor was coming to a place of harmony with others. Winning was where it was at. It's sad that "winning" with a woman is a recipe for losing a truly intimate and satisfying connection with her.

Recently I ran into a very attractive youngish woman at our grocery store who openly talked about her interest in my Cuddle Party project. I was thrilled and later terrified. She's gorgeous in many ways. When I finally accessed my sexual fantasies about her, they weren't particularly violent, but definitely passionate and very physical. I realized that I fear intense passion followed by ashes, confusion, frustration and disappointment (I did this routine with my ex with disastrous results) and am not completely confident in my ability to keep a gentler flame alive and nurture a deeper, more satisfying and more intimate connection more slowly and carefully. I fear I won't be able to restrain myself enough and yet still stay connected.

I feel like a freak in my fear of sex. At the same time, I realize that there are very few models for a healthy loving intimacy in the community where I live.

Thanks for writing FB. I appreciate your support a great deal!

Sincerely,

GAATT
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#494973 - 02/04/16 08:36 AM Re: Exploring sexual attraction safely. [Re: gaatt]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 460
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: gaatt
Feeling any kind of vulnerability wasn't valued nor was coming to a place of harmony with others. Winning was where it was at. It's sad that "winning" with a woman is a recipe for losing a truly intimate and satisfying connection with her.


Gaatt:

What this does to a young boy is protect all the possibility of experiencing life's ups and downs. With only one goal in life, the rest of it becomes insignificant.

Living that way can be numbing and end up in a feeling of uselessness.

I celebrate your passion, even as it is causing you difficulty. Don't let others judge it and you may just be surprised at what it comes to mean.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#495093 - 02/06/16 02:42 PM Re: Exploring sexual attraction safely. [Re: focusedbody]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 277
Loc: Western Canada
Thanks FB,

I'm touched... and healed.

Sincerely,

GAATT
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#495155 - 02/08/16 05:22 AM Re: Exploring sexual attraction safely. [Re: gaatt]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2309
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Gaat.

This was interesting for me to read given where I'm at at the moment.

I've been genophobic for years, both afraid of my own responses and afraid of what any of my impulses might cause me to do to a woman. I always found blatant physical attraction without an emotional element frightening, indeed I used mastervation to make sure I could keep a control over myself.

Yet one of the most astounding things my fiance has taught me, something which is only just sinking in, is that no, I am not! likely to hurt her or anyone else.
The ways we touch and communicate physically, are notintrinisically tied to love making, indeed while we have more recently been setting out to play together in different ways, most often we just spend time in physical and emotional intimacy, touching, holding hands, and lots! of cuddling (people have said being around us is almost overwhelming).

I'm learning that if my genitals respond, it is not something to either worry about, neither an irrisistable pressure to do something, (not if the time and matters between us aren't correct), nor something painful to me, indeed it'd be a little difficult for me to separate out the sexual parts of how we communicate from gentle physical intimacy.

What also surprises me hugely, is that I! can give someone I love a huge amount of pleasure, sometimes in love making, often with just forms of massage as well as other types of gentle intimacy like washing each other's hair, indeed often things I never imagined being enjoyable or gentle (not from my abuse), have a very different meaning, for example I never imagined wanting! to have my hand on a woman's chest, yet to be able to do so and for it to be an expression of love (and one which is most often not tied to any sort of follow up love making), is astounding to me.

Having read the previous article on the karezza site I suspect what my lady and I do is something similar, albeit we don't have a rigid distinction around love making.
We have recently begun to play occasionally, but as a subsidiary activity, and indeed I'm learning that fantasies aren't too much of a bad thing so long as they're carried out with tenderness and unlikely to hurt and so long as they remain only as a form of play and not the be all and end all, (especially compared to just simple, loving communication by touch).

So Gaat all this is to say I'm learning myself that so much i thought I believed about love making has proved to be utterly false once I find myself in an extremely close, loving relationship where there is no goal or demand but quite literally loving each other in every way possible.

Yes I admit I've been extremely lucky. I've been lucky in finding L at all, and in her feeling the same way, but I've even been lucky in that she's an extremely physically affectionate person who needs love in all it's forms and expressions as much as I do and indeed has her own healing (which she informs me she's taking care of).

So if you are actually in love with someone I'd suggest that it could be a healing connection in itself, indeed my lady has told me she was amazed just how far someone who was afraid to caress her shoulder in august could come in such a short time.

For me, I'm only just learning that love making is a part of loving, and that it doesn't start or stop with physical love either, and it's something I needed!

Luke.

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#495216 - Yesterday at 10:26 PM Re: Exploring sexual attraction safely. [Re: gaatt]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 460
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: gaatt
I feel like a freak in my fear of sex.


Gaatt:

I'm sure this isn't the first time someone has said or felt this.

And yet I find it powerful when we admit it. Fear is healthy. It is a response to what we don't know. It tells us how to be curious and how to discover without being hurt.

And maybe it can also help us be close to someone.

Perhaps it is some part of what our parents experienced but never acknowledged, since love often has some aspect of fear.

I hope you will continue to have courage on your road, even while you remain firmly on it, seeking connections with others who are keenly aware of what you are seeking.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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