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#49391 - 02/24/06 10:10 PM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
Zipser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 351
Loc: Connecticut
I'm with Rik on this one. I couldn't send that POS to jail but I could and did bring a civil suit against him and won.

Since the time of the settlement, almost 9 months ago, I've been focusing on other, more important things and don't spend a minute thinking about forgiveness. I'm free now.

What has freed me was putting the responsibility, shame and anxiety at the feet of the one who deserved it all along. People know about this guy now and that's something he'll have to deal with. That will be his punishment. His secret is no more.

I AM FREE!

Regards,

Zipser

_________________________
"I stand proud that the boy so badly damaged managed to get me this far and I will honor him and myself for being a survivor." - A member

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#49392 - 02/25/06 04:12 AM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Andrew,

I think I do understand what you are saying and how you feel. I guess I would just stress that you have a child in your future and that child will need his Dad.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#49393 - 02/25/06 07:49 AM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
andrew76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/02
Posts: 118
Loc: Florida
Let me ask this question to you all at what cost do survivors and victims forgive their abusers? I am not saying forgiveness is a bad thing but why forgive a person if they haven't even apologized for what they made you go thru while a child and what you have had to endure from childhood to adulthood and what we as survivors deal with on a daily basis thanks to what we went thru as someone who lived the worst by no choice of our own doing.

What would you have to say to maybe a new comer to the board that is reading this thread for the very first time that is just starting the process and later on will be addressing "Forgiveness" along their path of healing along with what experiences have you had to deal with along the road to get to the point of forgiveness or to not forgive the abuser?

I am not saying anyone is stupid if they forgive their abuser i am saying the act of forgiving the abuser is stupid opens another can of worms but will not go into that one as i am a silenced voice.


Edited by Andrew76 - silenced member

_________________________


Eye of tiger stares down perp,tiger teeth rips perp to shreds
to be abused kills the soul
to survive is to live the ultimate punishment

Knocking on hells door!!

To be silenced is an American amendment right violation,free speech

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#49394 - 02/25/06 02:47 PM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
We're all different people and we've all suffered different types of abuse. Forgiving a perp will be a healing move for some of us, for others, it won't.

The only thing that really has given me pause about not forgiving a perp is a religious perspective that was suggested by wojax1. In our discussions on this very same subject, he said that we have to forgive if we want God in our heart, becuause God won't share our hearts with anger, resentment, hatred, desire for revenge, etc.

I had decided to forgive my perps a lonnngggg time ago, but my T suggested that I may have done it too soon, becuase he thinks that I have yet to realize how badly I was hurt. So......I have withdrawn my forgiveness and set it on "pause" for the meantime.


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#49395 - 02/25/06 03:22 PM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
There is also the question of what we mean by forgiveness. When I think of forgiveness I think of something from myself that I offer to another person as a kind of concession.

Thinking in those terms I don't see me ever forgiving the man who abused me. He's dead, he was a sadist (as my T now tells me), and so far as I know he was an abuser all his life. I know of five other friends of mine whom he also abused, and that must be just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

Others might think of forgiveness in terms of reconciliation. That's not in the cards for me, because I think of that as a two-way thing and the man who hurt me is dead.

I have also heard of forgiveness being described as somehow telling yourself that you are finished with the abuser and have no more thought for him. Okay, I can see how that would be a good idea, but for me that has nothing to do with forgiveness.

I know there is also the religious take on forgiveness, but to be honest I don't feel that one in my heart. I consider myself to be a religious and spiritual person, but I don't at the same time feel any sense of obligation to forgive a monster who would do such horrific things to children just for the sake of his own gratification. If there is a contradiction here, I am happy to live with it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#49396 - 02/25/06 05:38 PM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
Quote:
Originally posted by shadowkid:
how can anyone forgive without somehow saying hey it wasnt that bad i forgive you ,bullshit it was that bad! forgiving implies that i somehow understand what my perp did ,i'll never understand nor do i want to. to me it almost means taking some of the blame ,you know ? like saying well maybe i shouldnt have trusted my perp so easy if i hadnt then he would not have been tempted by me. maybe he just couldnt help it ,was my innocence my fault ?i dont think so adam
I 'forgave' one of my abusers, face to face. It was not taking blame for what he did. It was not telling him, oh it wasn't so bad. It was me telling him 'I survived what you and others did to me, and I am a good person. I am living with it. And you must live with it from the other end. I would much rather be me then you.' No 'I'm sorry I made you do this to me' or shit as that.


Quote:
Originally posted by andrew76:
Let me ask this question to you all at what cost do survivors and victims forgive their abusers? I am not saying forgiveness is a bad thing but why forgive a person if they haven't even apologized for what they made you go thru while a child and what you have had to endure from childhood to adulthood and what we as survivors deal with on a daily basis thanks to what we went thru as someone who lived the worst by no choice of our own doing.

Forgiveness was for me, not for him. No, he had not apologized, he probably never will. But to face him, face to face, and say 'well, you gave it your best and I am still here, and I can live with all that you put on me, and still be strong and successful', that was ME taking back power from him. I already said, no one HAS to forgive. And it does not diminish the facts of the past, or that the abuse was worst torture of my life. But what cost? It would cost me much more fear, nightmares, therapy and medicine to NOT done what I did. The 'cost' is different for each person. Please do not say that for someone to do forgiveness is stupid. I am not stupid. And I am much better since I done that, so it must be right for me.

Andrei


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#49397 - 02/25/06 07:10 PM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
andrei what you have done is monumental not stupid ,if you have forgiven then that was the best thing for you to do it takes more courage than i have ,it would be great to leave all the anger behind ,to feel peace ,although i may never forgive i ad mire anyone who can adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#49398 - 02/26/06 09:39 PM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
The most important thing as a survivor is how we cope. If we spend our lives full of recriminations and bitterness, then we've failed ourselves. Hatred will consume us and it's wasted emotion. Ideally, in some way, we should turn hatred, despair and conflict into something more positive. I'm not sure how to forgive the seemingly "unforgivable", as I mentioned earlier in this thread, I haven't been able to do it. But I think that somehow keeping that as a kind of personal spiritual goal will help lead me to an inner peace and resolution. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#49399 - 02/27/06 09:28 AM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Andrei,
thank you for sharing your empowering story. And forgiveness for me has been my most empowering tool as it gave me my life back. And only when you have crossed the bridge you know what lies ahead.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#49400 - 02/27/06 10:37 AM Re: Forgiveness...for the abusers?
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Guys,

I think forgiveness doesn't justify the actions of the perps, and Danny said this. Forgiveness can let me stop feeling much pain, but at the same time I think that the perps will live a life of misery.

I have felt lately that I forgave myself for the fact that I was caught by the abusers' will. Also I try to live my life the best way I can. I think a survivor doesn't necessarily need to "be better" than their abusers in all respects. I wouldn't go to my abusers, showing that I am more succesful and healthy... I'm afraid of that meeting to be, but I also wouldn't say to their faces that I've forgiven all the sh*t. It's not my job, I think.

Thanks for this topic,

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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