Newest Members
RodrigoBR, MJ545, Marant, BeingFound, journey4two
12332 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
blueelectron9 (48), Grunty1967b (2014), highflight (42), jocks44 (54), kitm1 (47), Porrick (44)
Who's Online
2 registered (2 invisible), 14 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12332 Members
74 Forums
63413 Topics
443353 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#49342 - 05/23/05 04:22 PM shame on me
Larrymat Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/29/05
Posts: 27
Loc: St. Louis, MO
I've just commented to a few posts, sincere people like Beyond Abuse, Bobby, others. And I meant what I said to them. But now I feel so guilty because here I sit, overwhelmed by my own memories at the moment, and wanting to do things to myself. That's so wrong! So self-absorbed! I know whatever happened happened (good grief, almost 50 years ago!) and I'm supposed to be stronger now. My t. even said that. But here I am again..torn between going to an adult theater and giving myself to ANYONE..or sitting here and wallowing in depression and memories and perversion so I can masturbate. I'm sorry. And even now, times like this, this isn't my mother's fault or even the neighbor..maybe I'm wrong about all that and it's just me.
Larry

_________________________
Larry

Top
#49343 - 05/23/05 04:53 PM Re: shame on me
Larrymat Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/29/05
Posts: 27
Loc: St. Louis, MO
Sometimes I just wish I could let go and cry

_________________________
Larry

Top
#49344 - 05/23/05 05:19 PM Re: shame on me
scooter Offline
Member

Registered: 05/23/05
Posts: 76
I'm sorry, can't respond as much as I would lke right now - can't afford to break down at work. I'm barely holding it together as it is.

All I can say at the moment is the things we've done in response are ours. But there should be no shame in that. Any growth or awareness is a success. But I've only recently looked at my gaping wound and yet can't bare to look.


Top
#49345 - 05/23/05 11:28 PM Re: shame on me
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Larry
I know the feelings you describe, I too acted-out sexually with strange men, I can remember the compulsion that drove me, the sheer weight of it crushing me into submission.

I still feel the triggers sometimes, but I have learned how to escape and free myself from the overpowering compulsions. It's not easy, I wouldn't bullshit anyone about that. It's taken 3 years of intensive therapy and 2 years of group therapy, but it was worth every scrap of effort.
We're just about the same age Larry, and my feeling was "I've had 31 years of this crap, that's more than enough!"

Take care
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#49346 - 05/24/05 10:06 PM Re: shame on me
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Larry - I've not spoken with you before but know all too well what you're dealing with. Maybe it will help if I can share my perspective on these compulsions. I understand them to be something that comes up in association with something that is bothering us. For me it's being left alone at home or traveling between home and someplace far from home where I know I will be away for the night. This brings on a great deal of anxiety for me because much of the abuse I endured happened when I was alone (except for the perp) or when I was living away at school as a boy. So there is a correlation to what happened to us when we were young and to how we react to things now. It also seems to me that we have a compulsion to sort of recreate the abuse, not so much to abuse ourselves but in order to find ourselves in similar situations that we initiate thereby giving us some sense of control over the situation. But it never works, we are not in control of the situation, and for me, I go right back to the psyche of the 9 year old who was raped. But that doesn't stop the compulsions from coming. I suggest that you ask your therapist not to admonish you for not being stronger. I also suggest that you stop admonishing yourself for something that you can't control, by that I mean the compulsions, we can't stop them from coming. Maybe you and your therapist can create some tools that will help you to control how you deal with the compulsions. Try to figure out what triggers them and work from there. In the meantime, masturbation, regardless of the fantasies that accompany it, is a good, harmless way to ease the urge to put yourself in a risky situation. I wish you peace and hope this has offered some help. The shame is not yours.


Top
#49347 - 05/24/05 10:25 PM Re: shame on me
Beyond Abuse Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/23/05
Posts: 51
Larry,

In the depths of where I am sometimes I fail to note the impact I may have on others. I am selfish right now but I have to let you know that what you wrote for me helped me. I'm starting to understand that it isn't just me, there are others out there in my position and that I understand we share some situations whilst dealing with this. It isn't fair but you deserve to give yourself time to be who you need to be to cope. Please don't feel bad!

_________________________
... I still haven't survived ...

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.