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#49330 - 07/01/03 04:02 PM i am only me
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
here i sit with myself
within myself
shrouded in contempt, disappointment
wearing shame like a leaden blanket
darnkess like a cloak

somebody keeps saying
relax take it easy
things are gonna get better
well know what?
they aint

my body is fucked
my mind is fucked
worst of it is
my spirit is fucked too
21 fucking years old
and just totally fuckin spent

what have i got left to give?
bits of advice misshapen and twisted
like bits of cast off paper
tips to ease the weight of the darkness
tricks to make the morning come sooner
games to keep the demons at bay

maybe i dont give enough
maybe i’m not good enough
maybe i really am all those things he said i was
maybe i’m not
maybe it really doesn’t matter
i am only me

sigh

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#49331 - 07/01/03 05:06 PM Re: i am only me
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Al,

Maybe you are maybe you are not. In your words who the fuck knows. You can only be you. I have spent many a night talk with you. I dont think you are "fucking spent." I know that you are living in a place of hell. I know fuckl that Al I really dont know your hell I only know my hell. Al you have alot to give. I mean it who stopped me froming cutting my self? YOU DID. You helped me over come my self hurting my self cutting and that is something that I will never forget.

How many times have you helped me when I was too afraid to sleep becuase of the nightmares? You have been their for me. I wish their was mor that I could say other then it will get better. Which to tell you the truth I have no idea if it will get better or not. I hold on to the hope that it will get better.

Al we are some of the youn gest members on the board. Look around mos tof the people here have had their whole lives to grow and talk about their abuse from 20, 30, 40 years ago. For us it is still very fresh in our minds. It has only been a couple of years of safety. You are ahead of mos tof the men here you are dealing with this shit now and I know you will over comes this.


Please take care of you self my brother. Know that I always love and care about you Al. You are one of the greatest men that I know and I would hate to think how my life would be if I had never meet you.


Lots of love alway brother, Nathan


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#49332 - 07/01/03 05:27 PM Re: i am only me
horseboy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 17
Loc: nowhereland
And here I am,

Alone amongst the multitude
Shamed, battered, bruised and broken.
A man now, too early.
Many dreams have I carried to the grave, my own dreams.
Days at best like midwinter, short and cold, and the long danger-filled night creeping through every seam of the house, ready to eat up the light and so make way for the demons within.

Yes, my body is fucked as well, and my mind belongs to memories more than to me at times. I am 29 years old and haven't got a clue as to what living in freedom is about. I am a prisoner of my mind, every time night comes.

But I am not spent yet. Life is more than a cartridge you can only fire once.

And I would rather take advice well meant, be it incompleate or even dead wrong from a man who is honest enough to state he is not up to it, than to take it from a man too vain to see he is only a man. Last time I checked there are very few Jesus's around lately.

If You and me and many others thereto are not good
enough, than who is? We all drank from the bitter cup of loneliness, we all walked in each other's shoes, and by God I dare say, more than a mere few leagues!

You are only what you choose to be, but I'll say you are Al, son af mankind, beloved one of Marc and friend to many.

With all you cannot do and all you will never have, you still are more than whoever told you, you are less. It makes you a human being, and him nothing more than a beast. I tend not to take advice from a beast, or even regard it as equal.
If a beast tries to stand among men, you run it through and send it back from where it came, be that the deepest pit of hell itself.

Our fear of darkness proves one thing, we are the children of the light.

Your friend Erik

_________________________
The Lord doesn't aid the mighty battalions, He aids the one that is the best shot.

Voltaire.

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#49333 - 07/01/03 06:32 PM Re: i am only me
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Al
Quote:
With all you cannot do and all you will never have, you still are more than whoever told you, you are less. It makes you a human being, and him nothing more than a beast. I tend not to take advice from a beast, or even regard it as equal.
There's very little I could add to that, thank's Eric. ( and Nathan )

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#49334 - 07/01/03 07:20 PM Re: i am only me
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1269
Loc: Northern Ohio
Dear Al,

sorry.

I leave ya alone.

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#49335 - 07/01/03 08:49 PM Re: i am only me
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Al,

So I'm reading this thread on MaleSurvivor.org, see, and I notice it really has two themes, two tones. One guy is really down, because someone did horrifying things to him and it's taking a helluva long time for him to get better, you know, for him to feel good about himself again. And that's kind of the tone in the beginning of the thread. The guy who's been terribly hurt is feeling the hurt, and he's not really used to it, because no one could be "used to" feeling Hell on earth.

But then the tone of the thread changes, abruptly, and all of a sudden there's a crowd of guys coming around, and all of them are saying the same things. They're yelling at this guy that he's good, he's done wonderful, loving things, shown them ways to find some island of peace in their lives, some moment when they can escape their own terror, their own Hell on earth. And they're very insistent, 'cause they know this is a great person that they're talking to. How could they deny it? They've seen the proof, over and over, in the way he's helped his brothers. With a strength that belies his own youth and a marvelous compassion for souls in suffering, he has earned their respect and their undying love. The whole atmosphere around the thread was completely different.

So, anyway, that's what I was doing. How about you?

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#49336 - 07/02/03 12:01 AM Re: i am only me
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
My little brother Alan:

What has happened Al. Please let us know. You are one of the finest and kindest young men I know. You are down and that happens but we are all here for you and you know that. You have Marc, Whiskey, and the bird and Zack and you have all of us. And you have me. Please talk to me, us Al ok

I love you my little brother

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#49337 - 07/02/03 12:27 AM Re: i am only me
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
ok just because thats hwo i feel doesnt mean im gonna act on it ok

this is what i mean i just cant do fucking anything right

STOP wasting your energy worrying about me PLEASE

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#49338 - 07/02/03 01:14 AM Re: i am only me
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Al,

You've been on my mind the last day or so.

So, I'm glad to hear from you; though I am sorry for the hell you are going through that got you here.

Thanks for coming here to let us know how you're doing. It is important and you are important.

You don't have to paint on a happy face for me--guess I'm one of those people who were scared of clowns. ;\) Give me a good dose of melancholy on a rainy day--that I can sink my teeth into.

Hang in there, brother. We're all on your side, with you no matter how you feel or what you say.

I don't think you can chase this pack of wolves away--you're one of us.

Take care, buddy. Keep on keepin' on.

Your brother wolfpup,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#49339 - 07/02/03 01:18 AM Re: i am only me
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Al,

P.S. Your poetry of despair is incredibly beautiful!

Wow! I am truly impressed by your skill of expression. I'll read this one again and again---I would say on the next rainy day--but seems like it never rains in Texas anymore. ;\)

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#49340 - 07/02/03 09:17 PM Re: i am only me
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Al,

You know, the hardest thing I have ever done was to say to myself, in private, "Bob, you are a damned good man." It seemed so phony. I hated it. It angered me. But, today, I can tell you all on the whole WWW I am a good guy.

I think Al, hard as it might be, it would be good to tell yourself that you are a good man. You are a real man, who went through hell and came out of it. All those things we tell ourselves, that we are fucked up, and no fucking good etc. etc. these are all lies.

Here you are a young man, who was brutalised as a child, and now you are working, and taking care of yourself and doing well. Al, that is important. I will tell you why I see that as important. Twice in my life, for a period of a year once and about nine months another time, I could not work, could not take care of myself, didn't even shower everyday--sometimes only once or twice a week. I was a world wide champion of sleeping.

So, Al, you get up, you go to work, you go to the gym, you care for yourself. That is good man! Sure, you want and will get better. But for now, when a little voice in your head tells you that you are fucked up. tell yourself that you are not fucked up, you are a survivor and you are a lot healthier than guys who really are all fucked up and don't have a clue that they are.

One time a psychiatrist told a class I was in that we can be at ease when a person tells us they think they are going crazy--because truly crazy people would never say that!

You are doing fine and you will do a whole lot better.
Some of the better, just seems to happen. Like coming here and finding out you are not a lone, that people can actually understand, and best of all, finding that you can help someone else by just a few words or a thought.

Make any sense to you Al?

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#49341 - 07/06/03 09:51 AM Re: i am only me
jimrh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
"Have you Ever Been in Love" - (Celine Dione) - One Heart -


Have you ever been in love
You could touch the moonlight
When your heart is shooting stars
You're holding heaven in your arms
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever walked on air, ever
felt like you were dreamin'?
When you never thought it could
But it really feels that good
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever been in love
You could touch the moonlight
When your heart is shooting stars
You're holding heaven in your arms
Have you ever been in love?

Teh time I spent waiting for something
Taht was heaven sent
When you find it, don't let go
I know.....

Have you ever said a prayer
And found that it was answered
All my hope has been restored
I ain't looking anymore
Have you ever been....

Som place that you ain't leavin'
Somewhere you gonna stay

When you finally found the meanin'
Have you ever felt this way?

The time I spent waiting for something
That was heaven sent
When you find it don't let go
I know....(Alvin)

Have you ever been in love
You could touch the moonlight
You can even reach the stars
Doesn't matter near or far
Have you ever been in love?
Have you ever been in love?
So in love......


Peace my Al.....


Jimmer


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